Caring for MIL and feeling used. I don't know what to do?
I have been married to my husband for 14 years. I am a nurse. Since that time, his mom who is now 88 has relied on me to take her to her doctor appts. and many other things "because you know what they're talking about". My husband and I are the ones who call her every day take her what she needs. She was widowed almost 6 years ago and is legally blind. She has 4 other children, two who live within 20 miles of her. I told my husband this morning "When your mother passes, we're going to have to learn how to have a life again" and he agreed. She lives in her own home and has home health come in once a week. My weekends are spent helping her get what she needs done. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I am tired. My husband is tired. We both work demanding jobs and have little time. We are at work early and usually have things to do for her after work. Church is twice on Sundays. None of her other children offer to help. One says "Thank you for taking care of Mother." Two live out of state. One doesn't talk to her due to a dispute a few months ago. When I mention anything about someone else helping her, she becomes defensive and takes up for her other children. To be honest. I just feel used. I am 55 y/o. I don't know what to do. She is in good physical health, but I can tell some dementia is setting in. She was to have gone for a mental health examination to determine if it was due to just aging or some sort of dementia. The lady at the doctor's office didn't make the appt b/c "you know at that age you begin to forget things". There is so much more to this story that I just can't get into. Just believe me when I say we're both tired. I have begun to set some boundaries. Last Saturday I told her "I will be by after lunch". I took her shopping, for a haircut and an ice cream cone and then I rode her around awhile. I told her "I will be able to do this some Saturdays, but if someone comes by during the week (granddaughters) think about letting them do some of this for/with you." At least it's a start. Her other children are not going to help. If they were, they would have at some point in the last 6 years.
Actually, I think you should list all that you and your dh have done for mil (sounds like you have done more), and tell the uninvolved sibs that your turn is up, and that now it's their turn.
I am somehow going to see about getting her an appointment for an evaluation. It is time. She has resources that she doesn't want to spend in AL. Those resources might last a year. MIL feels that we can all contribute to her upkeep if she goes to AL. My husband and I cannot. We don't have the extra $3600/month. We'd be hard pressed to contribute $500/mo. Her husband didn't even leave her life insurance "because he didn't want another man to spend his money" asinine? Yes. But true.
A separate list goes to other family members with the remaining tasks allocated to each family member depending on their capabilities and personal responsibilities.
Tell them the list is non negotiable because you are simply not able to continue. Indicate that they are free to exchange tasks with each other as long as they are completed. There will be no calling you if one does not fancy doing something agreed upon that day. You will no longer be the co-ordinator of MIL's activities and the emergency step in. In case of a real emergency of course you can step in but because you are a nurse does not automatically make you responsible for caring for an incapacitated adult. By all means teach the others things like basic nursing care as you are the professional but you don't automatically do stuff because it is remotely medical. Anyone for example can learn to fill a pill box!
If this is a big group of different practices there may be a Dr in one of the other practices who is responsible for the supervision of the whole group. if the Dr you saw does not deal with the matter to your satisfaction contact the supervising Dr
What happens is that our elder parent doesn't view us as senior citizens ourselves, we are still that 20 or 30 year old who has a ton of energy. My parents were in their 90's and I was in my 60's and still had my career. My parents were running me ragged, and it was my fault for not saying "no" and setting boundaries.
One therapist said to me that since my parents choose to continue to live alone in their home, then they had to take full responsibility for that choice. I was enabling them to continue with their lifestyle while I had to change my own. I was so exhausted. And with exhaustion it can ruin your health. It ruined mine.
It could be the other children see what Mom is doing to you, so they are stepping aside. They don't want to enable their Mom. They know she needs either caregivers to come to help daily, or to move her to senior living facility. Once my Mom passed, my Dad quickly moved to Independent Living. He was so tired of maintaining his house and had become afraid of all the stairs.
I couldn't agree more with Susieshoes' closing remark that you all need to get together and make a plan. Doesn't have to be set in stone, but it does need thinking and talking about.
I think you spoke sensibly and kindly to your MIL, and perhaps at least gave her food for thought - how did she respond to what you said about accepting help from other people?
I also think that you are wise to recognise that you and your husband have already done plenty and need to be looking around now for ways to share the caregiving burden. Best for everybody, not least MIL, to get a fairer, flexible structure in place as soon as possible.
Among things you probably should do, however you choose to handle your MIL, is find another doctor. One who will actually follow through with finding out what your MIL, and you as her caretakers, are dealing with. When we finally pushed Dad's doctor hard enough, Dad saw a neurologist who diagnosed his dementia and put him on meds that have helped somewhat.
Most of all, though, you and your husband and the rest of the children need to plan what to do about when MIL cannot live on her own.