I live a couple of hours from my mom by car. My sister is about 10 minutes away. They have a very close but precarious relationship that cycles through phases of being very close, getting sick of my mom's attitude, fighting, then cutting off mom from her and her granddaughter for several days to a week. I don't see mom often but call her twice a day to check in on her daily plans and encourage her to get up and go somewhere, and to make sure she's ok at night. She lives independently in her condo.
My mom is a handful. She is extremely extraverted, has many friends, was involved in many clubs pre-covid, and is a widow of 8 years, went through cancer and treatments 3 years ago, moved out of her large family home of 40 years about 4 years ago. She has so much stuff in her condo that she is regularly losing things and stressed by it. She harbours childhood wounds that arise regularly and seem to dominate her thinking more and more. When something does not go her way she catastrophizes, goes straight to self deprecating talk and deep anguish.
Her memory is failing more. She has high anxiety and signs of dementia similar to my grandma. She is deathly afraid of dementia, becoming "crazy", being mistreated as my grandma was in her nursing home, and being abandoned by her family to die alone - now add covid. She once told me a very long time ago that she would take her life if she got dementia so I found her pill stash and disposed of it - she's a retired RN.
She wants to be in her own home as long as possible then come live with me. I have been working towards getting her weekly support for light housekeeping and cooking to stock up the freezer with tasty healthy meals that she likes. Although she allowed for us to have a meeting about this she refuses to go any further. It is worse because of covid.
I feel obligated and I care about my family so I do it. I field their fights and support the recovery. I'm exhausted.
Perhaps I have some psychological need to care for them since I was neglected as a kid and now they want me. I've already invested decades of my life into therapy but it's ongoing. I am able to handle my mom pretty well and I don't expect anything from her but it's tiring. She expressed gratitude daily and is afraid of losing me.
I will be taking time away next spring for a few months. My nest is empty and there is a lot I want to do for myself. I will need to make sure someone is available to support my mom though as it is now obvious that my sister cannot be that person. Their last fight resulted in extreme yelling by both her and her husband and my mom was terrified. They are taking a break from each other but I am mediating between all of them.
When I return I will be figuring out where I want to lay down new roots. I have invited my mom to come under specific conditions that she's agreed to - it would be my home not her's (so my sisters can't take it away), she'd have her own bed, bath and sitting room, we would hire a support person for all personal care and regular outings, and what she hasn't yet agreed to is we'd have a doctor monitored anxiety/mental wellness plan in place. Thankfully money is not a problem for her.
It's tiring. I'm looking forward to hitting the road and I don't really have anything to come back for as my little is away at university. I don't feel connected here but stayed because of my daughter's dad.
What would happen if I finally broke the ties with my family and moved on to find the life I want? What would happen to my mom? Sister? Niece? I have no concerns about my girl as she would visit me anywhere.
Thanks for reading. Just putting my thoughts down helps a lot.
*As long as possible* OK. Most people have a level of comfort & don't wish to change it. But change happens.
Some resist change, fear change, have denial, or really lack of insight & have lost planning skills already.
I see a few options.
A. Aging in place. You let nature take it's course. She lives at home until she can't (as her wishes). Usually until some crises forces change: (fire, fall). Then problem solve & deal with it.
B. Get busy selling the notion of AL now. Near sister or you. Involve her, choose one with her, she moves & hopefully settles in & thrives with company & activities.
C. You move her in with you. When you feel the burden of care is getting too great (ie your own health is suffering - physical or mental) keep adding services until you reach the limit: crises or the limit of home care is reached. Then back to choice B.
Note: Option C is OPTIONAL!
Some skip it. Some try it because they WANT to. Some get pressured or guilted to. If you want to try it - do so. But go into it with your eyes open & ALWAYS remember there are other options.
If you move her in with you - regardless of having a separate part of your home, it's still in your home and the two of you will somehow become enmeshed and it never seems to work very well...especially if you're interested in having your own life!
Genuine ‘assisted end of life’ laws are a better option, with better safeguards.
Even at the time, while I was shocked by the son's actions, I also understood them to be motivated by love. The neighbors described his care of his mother as "doting"; he maintained flower beds and bird feeders (one actually designed to attack squirrels) outside the living room window for her viewing pleasure. He had the porches enclosed to sunrooms and spent time daily with her sitting in her wheelchair there. He often "hosted" her church circle at the home. The autopsy showed her physical needs had been well met; she had been dosed with an exceptionally heavy level of pain medication and would have lost consciousness prior to her death.
As I became older I understand his actions a little better. My greatest fear for my mother was (with her memory and cognitive problems) she would be abused or neglected in an LTC facility and not able to advocate for herself - even to the point of complaining to family about her treatment. I wanted to allow her to find what happiness she could in her final years, but I also wanted to make sure she was well treated and I could control that better if I was her caregiver in my home. I planned for her care if something happened to me, but I understood how a son who felt he had no other options took the path he did. And I am not sure he was wrong. His mother would have had a difficult time with her son's death from cancer and her whole world turned upside down trying to adjust to new caregiving arrangements.
Today there are more choices in LTC facilities and much better quality of care, although you still need to be careful. If money allows, I think care at home with some paid caregivers/helpers and Adult Day Care to give her social interaction is still the best option but a good AL/MC can be better in some situations (there are more social interactions and activities). I think you should probably wait to move your mother until after you have traveled because moving twice in a few months might have an unsettling effect on your mother.
I understand how tiring family relations can be and how wonderful dreaming of just walking away can be, but my reading of your post is someone who would find it very difficult to walk away. You need to _balance_ your lives and needs; living your own life will allow you to better cope with the family drama. You can make sure your mother has what she needs without being a hands-on caregiver. Enjoy your own life too!
You would move on.
They would move on.
There would be a lack of co-dependency.
You might consider seeing a therapist to talk this through.
Your mother is an independent adult. Why do you think it's your place to prop her up? Why can't she figure this out for herself without foisting herself upon one of her children?