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Sounds like you’ll be in charge of cleaning out all this excess Christmas stuff when Mom’s gone …. Can you use this year’s exercise of going through it to also organize some of it? I mean as you’re pulling it all out, is there a box or two (or 10) you can mark in such a way that when the time comes you’re able to know it’s all junk/things you don’t want so you’ll be able to get rid of it quickly/easily? Alternatively, get a new box or two and put the most special items in there and those are all you keep when the time comes. Organizing all of it doesn’t get easier after we lose the parent .. it only becomes a more painful chore. You could instead organize it with her (in her chair watching, no doubt) and save yourself one task later. She doesn’t need to know you’re thinking ahead - she just gets to see you enjoying her treasured items/memories with her which is probably what she wants this Christmas anyway.

fresh market does a lovely holiday meal you can pick up the day before and reheat. Get the thicker/fancier disposable dishes and focus on her potential last holiday vs the burden on you. Can your brother drive you guys around to look at Christmas lights? I know all of this is easier said than done but you won’t regret bringing joy to her and your family.
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LittleOrchid Nov 2022
Good suggestion. About 2 years before my mother's death my sisters organized a project to "clean up" my mother's storage shed. They looked at all Mom's collected stuff and repacked into boxes that were sort of "memorabilia," "good will", and "junk." Obviously, those were not the actual labels, but it saved a lot of time when Mom passed. Nothing was valuable, but many of the grandchildren and great grandchildren were delighted to inherit some of the memorabilia items. (Such as the really ugly nutcracker music box one grandchild remembered as playing next to him on the bed when he was put down for a nap on his grandma's bed.)
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Can your brother help with Christmas dinner ? Make it simple . My Dad didn’t even eat Christmas dinner last year - I suggest getting take out . Do the wine and cheese board and light a candle . Make yourself happy for once - ask for help - it’s the best Christmas gift you can give yourself .
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Last year my husband and I started a new tradition: we just trim the tree with lights, no ornaments! Its simplicity is beautiful (we started making donations of ornaments and Christmas decorations to our local thrift store boutique). See if you can order a package meal through a gourmet grocery store or restaurant) and be a guest at your own feast...........we're doing that, this year.

Life has taught me to pivot and not get stuck in my ways.
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Summernole, regarding all the Christmas decor. If the decorations are kept in an unfinished basement or a garage, you can use a "therapeutic fib" which will help you. Just tell your Mom sadly the mice got into the decorations, most are not salvageable.

Then after the holidays, downsize all the decorations to a more manageable amount. I gave a much younger family member my Snow Village collection, as it was just too much work going up and down the stairs dozens of time, then making space to set up the village, yada, yada, yada. The person receiving the Village was so excited she couldn't thank me enough :)
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I am 71 (nearly 72) and I have been down the "last___" (fill in the holiday) many times with many parents, aunts, uncles, close friends. Take a break, take a few deep breaths. Ignore the wishes of your brother or anyone else. Concentrate on you and your mother. She has dementia, you do not. Think carefully about what her wishes really represent, not in detail, but in broad strokes. The details will blur together in her mind if they don't disappear altogether. Make a plan that includes her main concern, which may be a Christmas that reminds her of the Christmases of her prime years. Then fill in the plans with things that will make Christmas fun for you as well. You may also want to give yourself a break from the idea that the house must be in perfect order or that decorating and cleaning must be kept up to the standards you set for yourself when you were much younger. The world will not come to an end if there are a few bowls on end tables with oddly placed ornaments in them (perhaps with strands of tinsel left over from 1958).

Although I still have some of my guests spend the night from Christmas Eve supper to Christmas day dinner, it is not the big house party that I used to host. One big meal is all I am up to and the only overnight guests are my 2 sons who live 5 hours away--and they help in the prep and the cleanup. If your brother and his family would not be helping but would expect to treated like guests, tell them that spending the night is simply not something that you are up to this year.

You have not said why you think that this is your mother's last Christmas. We celebrated my mother's "last" Christmas several times. She was far more resilient than the doctors believed. You need to make decisions that will not only make this Christmas something that you can enjoy, but also set up some expectations for Easter, next July 4th, and whatever holidays will be coming. As we age we must scale back. Be honest and firm with your brother. Do a few things with a few of your mother's ornaments and tell her that you will get back to it "later." Today you have so many things to do. If she has dementia she may forget. On the other hand, if she continues to talk about it, point out that you have started, see that group of ornaments in the window, then repeat that you will get back to it when you have time.

As others have suggested, call a cleaning agency to do a cleanup in the week following Christmas. Have your brother's family help load the dishwasher, but leave the floors and such alone until the agency can get someone there. If you have given up your job to care for your mother she can afford to pay for a one day cleanup. You might ask brother to help with it.
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This is why I celebrate a diff Holiday day w/my NPD-Borderline Mom vs the actual day. I do Holidays with my Kids, sig other & friends & it is beautiful & peaceful. I do T-Giving & Christmas on the 22nd of Nov & Dec with her.. I will continue this tradition. She can beotch & complain as much as she wants on these days...but NOT ruining my actual Holiday. I go up twice in Nov & 3 x's in Dec.. try to decorate her place a bit as she screams and cusses...did her tree last year from the lot to the recycle...all the cooking/clean up...all of everything. But I have boundaries and am not going to allow her to be a jerk on the actual Holiday, as she was when I was a kid. Ruined enough of my life. Nope. Sorry, not sorry. She never made Holidays special. And, yet I make them special for her?? Sure is wild. PS She has no one else because she has burned every bridge-every relationship she ever had. Consequences. PPS This could be everyone's last Christmas or last days... This is why I balance everyone's desires.
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Summernole Nov 2022
Good idea to enjoy the holidays with your family and friends and still do something for and with your Mom even if she doesn't really deserve it.
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Oh, my all this fuss over a day that is supposed to be the birth of the Messiah. Actually, the tradition of decorating a tree & Santa. all come from pagan holidays. Sorry but all I have been reading does not sound religious but full of stress, not love.
One day we all will be dead, and our memories either good or bad will remain. Some soon forgotten it seems. Life should not be so stressed over holidays that truly do not celebrate the true Messiah. Long ago I stopped putting up a tree or celebrating a pagan holiday. Think about when you get old and need help. Show kindness while you can. May each one of you think about how you want to be treated when you can no longer take care of yourself.
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LoopyLoo Nov 2022
Wow. Looks like a bunch of us are
selfish pagan worshippers, then.

(I knew it!)
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James, James, Hold the ladder steady!

Totally irrelevant, but when I read about people decorating these enormous Christmas trees, I thought for the first time in years of that song from my childhood. Stay safe!
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Turn on the big screen tv head on over to Youtube and watch one of the Livestreamers livestreaming Christmas from New York City. No muss no fuss no worry.

Bonus if you catch the playing of "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses.
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casole Nov 2022
Oooh that's my favorite Christmas song and I always try to listen for it. I know I can play it anytime I want but it's not the sa as hearing it on the radio randomly! That and "Feed the World" and "Father Christmas" by the Kinks!
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I love Connie's 'lights only' new tradition! Brilliant.. literally, he he 😁

I've seen a wall hanging, with a painted/tapesty tree + all kinds of pretty baubles sown on. Beautiful, sparkly & just one thing to hang. (I had considered commissioning such a treasure.. but still a dust collector).

Now lights! This is inspiring. For the most minimalist, skip the tree - just a hologram.

As my next home will be 'the downsize' I will *pivot* to a new plan too (Thanks for the word Connie). Maybe go modern art & paint a corner of the room a green shape, then add a light show..
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Do an Internet search for "upside down Christmas trees."
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Beatty Nov 2022
What??? 😂 LOL

No offence meant if this is someone's preferred religious custom.
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Summernole: Focus instead on the real reason for the season.
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https://www.yha.com.au/travel-and-tours/traveller-stories/the-eight-strangest-christmas-traditions-on-earth/
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You count, too. Decorate in a way you are comfortable with. You are not the personal servant.
Enjoy the time together.
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Oh yeah there is also the Dyker Heights Christmas Lights in Brooklyn New York, which can also be seen on Youtube Livestream
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Hire someone to help your mother as a special gift to her. Don’t try to do it all yourself. It seems it means a great deal to her and you. Allow yourself this luxury of an elf to help.
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Might want to try a tactic I used with my daughters - for their weddings. Every woman can be a "bridezilla" so I asked each of them to let me know what were the "3 most important things" for "their day" that we could focus heavily on. Then, I asked them to be flexible with the other things. Ask your mom which 3 decorative items she really wants to see out this year: her tree ornaments, her wreath, her nativity scene... Focus on pulling those out and setting them up once she makes the decision(s). As for having family over, plan with the extended family to have a simpler schedule and simpler meals.
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I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but sometimes I wish they would just cancel Christmas. It always brings about so much stress for me and I know for a lot of people. It's supposed to be about love and joy and yet every year it gets more commercialized and that just adds to the stress. And then add to that the unrealistic expectations that some people have and you've got a perfect recipe for disappointment.

I think you should do what makes you happy. Period. If people get hurt that's their problem and is on them.
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Sendhelp Nov 2022
Wait!
Didn't we used to be able to send a "hug" on the open forum?
Or, was that feature just for private messages?
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Tonight, I asked dH how he wanted to celebrate the holiday.
No answer really.

We had fresh mashed potatoes, as if I were cooking them for a holiday dinner.
And a salad.

See, part of the holiday called Thanksgiving is already over, and I am so relieved.

Clean up may take several days, lol.

Everyone, make your own, new holiday traditions.
A Christian has no problems celebrating every day of the year.
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Sendhelp Nov 2022
Thanksgiving is not until Thursday, that was a joke I tried to make.
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Scrooge Merry Christmas
Bah Humbug sign
$24.95 on Amazon.

Instead of a Ho Ho Ho, we can have a Ho Hum!
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Just tell her the truth. Mom, I am too tired to do that. I want to enjoy the holiday visiting with everyone, so I have bought you a pre-lit table top tree and I've put a couple of your ornaments on it. That is going to have to work this year. As we get older, we have to focus on what's important and bypass all the fanfare.

Let's talk about who is coming over and what is on the menu!
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How about getting some decorations out. You don't need everything. Tree, a few pictures here and there. A table cover for the coffee tables, the dining table. Hang table covers on the door they are soooo cute right now. Use blue tape easy up easy down. My Daddy died during the Christmas season in 2020. I hung Christmas lights around his bed and played his favorite music. The house was a wreck due to all the hospice things around but I made it work.
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What are some holiday traditions after the loss of a loved one, which was recent?
My dH and I don't know what to do with ourselves after the loss of a brother and a best friend in March and November. We have already declined holiday invitations, but that is our normal every year.

He never does want to pull the decor out, hang lights, then take them down.
I told him that I think tradition has it that many people do not celebrate that year. Maybe this has changed?
So, I told him he doesn't have to decorate at all. He is so relieved.

As for me, I did not even know I was grieving until some cruel poster wanted to instigate a fight over my screen name. I started crying, way too much for a silly social media issue. Then I remembered, my best friend was being buried today. 🌹
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Anabanana Nov 2022
Grief is incredibly personal and I am not going to tell anyone what to do. I am going to tell how we handled two Christmases in mourning.

We always spent Christmas Day (CD) with my father’s family. His autumn death was fresh and my mother couldn’t be there without him. (lovely people, just too painful) So she travelled to my city where we’d have a quiet CD together. My husband’s friends coaxed us to join their potluck gathering, which was full of laughter and singing. We had a wonderful time and it became our new tradition. (it was difficult for us to travel to my home city and we appreciated celebrating locally)

Tragedy struck another autumn and my husband and the hosting friends died. We continued to spend CD with their usual crowd, but now at my house. Laughter and tears flowing freely. We lit 3 pillar candles in the centre of the table and reminisced about our missing loved ones.

A few more years passed, I remarried, had kids and moved away. Our CDs are usually just us and our kids, spending time together playing games, etc. We invite people who are lonely or have been rejected by their own families. I decorate and cook up a storm, but the vibe is quite casual.

I hope you find find a way to spend the day that suits you both and helps heal your hearts. Do whatever feels right for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
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Summernole,
Can you arrange an early Christmas dinner with the whole family going out?


This should not be added on to your caregiving duties, imo.
I hope you have some relaxing times and make some good memories to think about next year.
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Summernole Nov 2022
Well, part of my situation has solved itself. Brother's family don't want to do Christmas Eve dinner here. I think he is worried that my Mom can't handle Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day dinner. That takes care of part of my problem. I will do what I can to make the days special for my Mom and me!
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Fawnby,

Your family is disgusting and selfish.

Yes, protect yourself from them and don't think twice
about it.

Hugs
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Fawnby Nov 2022
Thank you!
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Please get out at least some decorations. It matters to be able to note special times of the year, because otherwise every day is just like the next one when you're old and can't get out. It's tedious and depressing.

My dad didn't like Christmas for his own deep-seated reasons, ro once Mom was no longer able to decorate, then that was it -- they didn't. It broke her heart, because she loved having the house decorated for at least a week or two (and not extravagantly by any means), so I'd go up there and get out some things to put around the house.
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Sendhelp Nov 2022
Maybe I will feel better after Thanksgiving and put up some twinkle lights for Christmas.
It still matters to me, and I just won't be able to go dark for Christmas.
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Maybe I will decorate just my bedroom.
Add some straw, swaddling clothes, and a manger.
A sign reading: "HE is not here".
🐂
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Fawnby Nov 2022
Yes! You can leave it up through Easter; that would suffice for both occasions.
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Try a Christmas cactus instead of a tree?
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Beatty Nov 2022
Yes yes more YES!
Thankyou Send 🤗

I keep whittling down the traditions down each year. Shedding what no longer serves. Simpler food, fewer gifts & less decorations. Less waste. More eco. The tree was all I really wanted last year. I even threatened to have ONLY the tree. Bare. 🤪

A cactus. With lights. (Do you think my family will call the guys in white coats to come get me..?)
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Beatty, some of my happiest memories are decorating my biggest house plant with my young nieces. I didn't have the room or money for a tree. So we took 5 bucks to the dollar store and bought what we wanted to decorate our Christmas tree. We did this for several years and they still remember the fun and excitement of doing it our way, 30+ years ago.

So decorate anything that brings you happiness. But, just a warning, lights on the cat don't work out so well. They keep unplugging themselves :-)
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Fawnby Nov 2022
LOLOLOL - I've never had to replug a cat. It must be really difficult.
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Maybe talking it over with your Mom has taken your last bits of energy Summernole.
Stop talking about it with her, and decide to do what you would if you were alone.
Maybe clean your house, and when the family arrives, put on some music and allow them to complete the tree. Some people do this on purpose as their tradition.
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