Christmas Drama, am I being cruel?

A school friend died at 71 this time last year. It was an on and off friendship. The last 7 years of her life I cared for my grandson for 18 months and then had my Mom who I cared for in my home and then placed in an AL, so I did not see her much. We talked on the phone. She was estranged from one son. The other lived 2 hrs away. She was a Debbie Downer. She would call me to basically to complain about her life. Her life was the way it was because of the choices she made. I and others would suggest things to her but there was always a reason why she couldn't do it. I remember a few Christmas's back when she was told by a son that she wasn't invited to Christmas because he was tired of the drama. I so wanted to tell her that SHE brought on her problems. She expected too much from others. SHE needed to change her outlook. She died in a NH during COVID. Her boys were there but that was kind of late.

No, you weren't wrong to lose ur patience. But, she has been like this for a long time and SHE has done nothing about it. Its was up to her to make a life for herself. If she has Dementia, it will only make her depression even worse. I suggest you take her for a goid examination. Tell her Medicare asks that everyone get one once a year. Labs will show if there is something physical. Low potassium will cause depression. Low B12 can effect cognitive ability. Thyroid can cause problems. Dehydration. I would write a note to the doctor telling him her history and ask that it be given him before her appt. That way he can ask the correct questions and look for certain things. He can give a basic cognitive test but a Neurologist is what she needs to get a diagnosis of Dementia.

You, don't try too hard. This is Mom she is not going to change. You need to except this is her personality and work around it. Next year give her her gifts on Christmas Eve. Only see her when you feel you can deal with her. If she has a Dementia, she will not be able to live alone. If u do not have POA, get her to assign you and make it immediate. Its a tool. It gives you the ability to know where she stands financially. Gives you the ability to talk with her doctors. It does not mean ur at her beck and call. Does not mean you physically take care of her but gives u the ability to place her when the time comes. You set boundries for you. You did good walking out. You ask her to come over and she says No, then u say to yourself, I tried.

You are not being cruel. You are taking care of yourself. Give yourself a big hug. I have dealt with my mom's negativity for decades. This year, we thought we would "bring Christmas to her." What a joke. She complained about the food and her lack of thoughtfulness in not giving us gifts. Crazy much? I was going to spend more time with her this holiday but have no gas left in my tank. There comes a time as adults when we must take care of ourselves when they refuse to cooperate. Staying in the situation would have only gotten worse. You should be proud of yourself for exiting the toxicity. Congratulations.

Toxic people are to be avoided at all costs. If you feel you must visit her, leave the minute she starts whining and complaining. Tell her the first time, you will be back when she is in a better mood. Any subsequent visit, just get up and leave.
Phone calls. Same action. The first time, sorry mom, I'll talk to you when you are feeling better. Subsequent calls, sorry mom, I've got to go, goodbye.

I dunno about some of the folks here writing that elderly people are wracked with pain, issues and bitterness and that happens 'cause you're getting old. Then....why on earth have a web site like this one? If elderly people are just so cranky, then why post here? Should it then be no big deal, and move on?
Then, there's the rest of us, caught in the quandry of shifting personality changes, odd behavior, anger isssues, and ya know what? We're only human, grappling with these transformations of how we can deal with difficult people and circumstances. This is incredibly difficult and there are no easy answers.
This is my second stint as a caregiver. Learned a lot the first time, and this time-I'm standing up for myself, and it feels really, really good.

Taylor
My mom was critical of my efforts to care for her at the same time she was apologetic for needing the care. Of course, the criticism is what rankled. It’s not the actual caring that bothered me as she was fairly independent.
Your mom sounds like she needs a place to vent or a person to vent to. By default you apparently are it. I agree that you should not bring her into your home as you would have to deal with it constantly and it is hard for you. You feel better in your home but mom probably wouldn’t. Or if she did, she would soon feel “at home” and start complaining. But a change of scenery IS good for depression. Just not in your home. That’s YOUR safe place.
What helped me was to set my intention before each visit. A mental or actual check list of what needed doing. The next step was to stay focused. After the chores were done, I would sit a minute and visit. Not near long enough in retrospect. But I had a long drive and would be off fairly soon. I regret that now as she knew I would.
Since you are nearby you have a chance to try different things.
Tell mom what the ground rules are. Since she has caregivers, you can’t easily hide behind the chores like I did. But you could have a checklist of her health issues. Perhaps you could reassure her a bit by taking and recording her vitals. This way you touch her, observe her and show concern when appropriate. That would take less than five minutes. (think how short doctor visits are). Then bring up three topics for discussion. If she’s not having it, leave. Those are your terms for visiting. Start there and adjust as you become more comfortable but do not allow yourself more than 10 or 15 minutes. That’s long enough. Perhaps too long. If you are going daily, stop that and only go when YOU want to.
Hate is a strong emotion that can affect your health and better judgment. If you truly hate her in those moments, please do something to soothe your spirits.
I hope you feel better soon and if the caregivers say she is the same with them, just know it’s not personal. She does have dementia.

Stop trying to please the unpleaseable. If she's unpleasant on a visit, leave and don't come back. Let the caregivers caregive, and lead your own life.

With dementia you are not going to change her.
If she has been like this for 82 years she is not going to change.
What can change is how you deal with her.
What you did, walking out when it got to you is EXACTLY what I would have done.
She is not alone so she is safe.
She may not connect "cause and effect" when you walk out but it will save your sanity.
You are not being cruel.
She probably has absolutely no idea why she depresses you if she has been like this forever.
(by the way I probably would not invite her to your house, much easier for you to walk out when you are at her house.)

Taylorb1: Sorry that your mother suffers from dementia.

I’m so sorry. I have know answers, but can relate to how you feel.

Depressed people can certainly suck the joy and life right out of you.

Is your mom being treated for depression? Has she always been like this or kind of new?

So that you don't lose your patience so much, maybe try to accept that this is the way things are with her. It is doubtful that you will be able to change her negative talking. While it's NO fun to be around, if you know that this is what she's going to say every time you see her, then don't get upset about it. Plan on very short visits and don't let her standard complaints get you down. Change the subject - have one or two topics ready. When that ends, tell her it's time for you to leave now. Maybe there are ways to try to "train" her to talk about something other than her depressing topics? Not likely if she has dementia.

Working on getting a dementia diagnosis for my mom but I know she has it. Conversation with her is soooo boring. It's so hard for me. She doesn't engage or says awkward things that are hard to understand and she can't explain it further so that I can know what she is actually trying to tell me. I dread talking with her cuz it's just so strange. When I have to drive her somewhere, and everything is at least 30 minutes from our house, I seriously dread it. I turn the radio up a bit and sing! A little convo but as little as possible and basically only what's necessary. I feel cruel but I just can't force myself to do better. I'm not the peppy cheerleader type that seems to be needed to deal with this. Who has the energy for that??