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I have a really, really hard time getting things done because Ninny (93 with vascular dementia) is nearly constantly looking to me to amuse her and follows me almost all of the time. No matter where I stake out some space, I can expect company pretty much immediately, and if I get up and move, unless I am still directly in her line of sight (cleaning for example), she'll go looking for me in about 5 minutes' time. Sometimes I have a hard time even getting away just to use the washroom without her getting confused and thinking I have left her alone. I feel like I'm tied to her by an invisible leash, and sometimes I just want to get away from those sighs of discontent and nagging sniffles for a few minutes!
Once in a while she will retire to her room to watch some television or read a magazine, but I'd say she is actively seeking my company for at least 6 hours a day, and I need some space. Even if I put no effort into amusing her and just do my own thing, she will sit for hours on end in my immediate vicinity and stare off into space. I suppose it must be boredom that makes her do it (perhaps she is hoping I will do something interesting) but she never wants to do anything except read, watch TV, and see what I'm up to - and for some reason, watching me do absolutely nothing seems to top her list of ideal pastimes. I can't seem to get her interested in any activities, independent or otherwise, and I'm not sure how to encourage her to be less clingy and what kinds of hobbies might catch her interest so I can have a little 'me' time. I'm going to guess this is normal but I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do about it. Any advice?

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my mother has this problem with my dad, she said she can barely go out to get the mail and he is either hollaring for her, looking for her or whatever. I said I think he feels he has been abandoned (as he was apparently in early childhood but not really) but he has an issue with being alone. Plus he will have the TV on, and 2 radios at the same time (I think to keep his mind occupied). good luck to you.....is there anyone that can give you the break you need for about an hour or so?
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Sylvera, I cannot imagine and am feeling for you. Hugs and hope you find a good answer from someone who is educated in this aspect. That would drive me nutty.
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My 90 year old grandmother with dementia isn't as clingy as yours, but she will freak out if I am not with her whenever she's in a new situation. At her 90th birthday party, I was walking around the restaurant setting things up, and she kept saying "Don't leave me alone." She goes to an adult day center once or twice a week, and very time I drop her off she asks if I am staying with her, and then when I pick her up she is always so relieved to see me. She told me last week that she was disgusted, because she didn't know if I knew to come and pick her up. She was worrying herself sick about whether she was going to see me or not, but then other times she's ok. I can sort of relate to your situation, but my grandma isn't at all clingy when we're at home together, because she has that sense of security there. I would suggest taking her to an Adult Day center once or twice a week to give yourself a break (Make sure they can handle Alzheimer's/Dementia patients). Your Ninny will go through some separation anxiety, but the staff is trained to deal with it. She may come to enjoy some of the activities and social interaction. The place we go to did a trial with us, which was 3 hours where my grandma stayed at the facility, and I left so we could see how she would do for a longer period of time without me. See if you can do a trial before you agree to a routine schedule. Good luck!
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Sylvera, yes clinginess or shadowing is common in dementia. It could be due to boredom or fear of abandonment. So, assure Ninny that you love her and brainstorm ideas for making life interesting for her. Good Luck!
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Sit down one day with a color book and crayons...and color a page...and give her a page to color..it will take her longer...make it interesting..something artful..or copy something from the internet..or get colored pencils...this will really take her a while to complete....I KNOW..you really do not want to color..a page..but if she sees you do....she will do it too...Put her and your art on the fridge...not only will you have a sweet page colored..but a life time memory...and if she passes away....a real gift...Talk about famous artist..and how so many started late in life...give her some blank pages...set up some display and try to draw it together...have a laugh or two...and see if her interest peaks enough...where you can have some down time..while she is creating..MAKE sure everyone says very good...but not to OVER DO IT on the compliments...if relatives want one for there fridge..you can make copies...send them in emails to friends......I am an artist..of sorts..LOL....Sometimes the creativity of someone stays hidden..she can even sit in her fav chair with a smal tv table and do some art.....I am sure at 93...she KNOWS her time here with us is limited..and she is soon to leave us...her wanting to be near you...at this age...well...I am sure she knows... WHY not take some photos of her...let her know she is loved...even if you give her a full 10 minutes of your time...that might be enough to satisfy her the rest of the day....At 93..she is older, brittle and need encouragement to wake up in the morning....You must be that encouragement...She is alive today....can you take her for a drive...to the beach...or some where ...she does not have to get out...but just to see the world...who knows....the good rewards you can earn with the LORD.....this woman is on her way out of our world....and she knows it...feels it..and does not want to die alone in a room...
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I have the same problem, but not as extreme. She will walk past me and hint that we should watch TV, but won't insist...reminds me several times a day if I don't. I feel bad for her though, because her hearing is bad, and her eyesight is really bad with macular degeneration, and now her dementia is to the point where I don't think she even follows the TV when we DO watch it. Her intelligence level has really declined. I think she just wants the company.
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My MIL is 98 and has mild dimentia. She has a little dog she is totally devoted to and much prefers his company to ours (fortunately). But she does the same thing with him, calling him constantly, looking for him constantly, feeding him constantly. Except for recently she has not only been forgetting to feed him, she removes the food bowl that I gave him from the floor because SHE didn't give it to him. Dog and I have a game we play so he doesn't starve. Other than that, when I am with her as her primary caretaker, she doesn't cling so much as direct me in what I should do for her. "Here, take my arm; Here hold my hand; Here, open the door; Here, help me up the stairs; Here, take my garbage, NO! leave it -- it's mine!

Yes, it's all part of the illness.
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The coloring book is a great idea. Also try giving her a job to do. Folding towels and washcloths works well becasue you can unfold them and give them back to her many times. This worked well for my fahter-in-law. He kept his mind and hands busy and he felt useful.
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My mother does the same thing and it drains my energy and uses up my time. I understand it's a common symptom of dementia. The only solution I came up with is respite care and a day care program that she goes to. Nothing I say or do at home will stop the incessant watching, shadowing and wanting my attention and asking questions almost constantly.
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My recently late Mother did the same thing to my Father for the past few years. It was a comfort issue with her. He was the only stabilizing factor in her world. She never knew where she was, or WHEN it was. And would begin to panic if dad was out of the room for more than a minute or 2. It was explained to my sister and I (primary care-givers for Mom) that this is a fairly common situation. Since Dad had been a figure in her world for over 60 years he became the focal point when everything else began to slip away.

It was difficult during those times when Dad was out of the house, or even just out of the room. My sister and I would simply remind her that he had gone to the store/doctor/took the car for inspection/etc. and re-direct her attention. Sometimes the re-direction would last several minutes or only a few seconds.

Similar to what wolflover451 stated, it appears to be a fear of abandonment. In their mind they are suddenly left alone in a strange place with strangers.

As much as I'm sure you love your Ninny you still need to take care of yourself. All of us here know first-hand how difficult caring for someone can be. It takes its toll emotionally and physically. Taking some time for yourself to unwind will help you tremendously.
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This behaviour is not just related to dementia . It is often a sign of loneliness and insecurity. You obviously make her happy and she enjoys your company. I think old people have too many labels thrust upon them with drug companies making millions out of any type of behaviour they exude. Every old person is different and most of them need lots of love and support and understanding. Please try to be patient and get her involved in pastimes to make her happy like looking at photos or listening to music she once loved. Lots of behaviour is because we are human. I think the dementia label is given too frequently !
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The only way that I get away from my Mums shadowing me is respite. This is a common sign of dementia and the main caregiver gets most of it. The thing that got me the most was the constant staring. Everything that I did, even the most mundane chores she would watch me. When I went to the bathroom I could hear her pacing outside of the bathroom door ect ... you all know how this goes. This site saved my sanity many, many times. I could come here to vent and find out that I am not alone. I cannot vent with my family because it gets them too upset but this is a safe place where others truly know what I am going thru. I digress however because it took me a couple of years to demand my respite from my unhelpful sibs. You must change your perception about what YOU deserve which is time off from the constant following around because your mental state is suffering. We need to be strong to take care of our loved ones. I also just ignore a lot of it now. Used to think that I was supposed to entertain her 24/7 but that is not really realistic is it? I do the best that I can, keep her safe and fed. But as I have stated before I am not a cruise director and my job in life is not to entertain her constantly.
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My mother was the same wsy. When watching TV she'd b watching me instead. Sh'd walk into my room many times each night calling my name. I too got angry. She is no longer with ud and looking back.Irealize I was het safety net. She was afraid and being close to me made her feel safe. Things always look clearer after they've happened. Take a page from my book and be there for her. My mom didn't get annoyed with sme when I was little and needed her. When it came time for me to do the same for her I was lost and confused. I wish I'd had someone to steer me in the right direction!
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I understand what beechgirl says, but for my mother of 87, it gets on her nerves and she can't handle it. I know she hates to see her honey like that but it does wear on her. i guess there are good and bad days.........
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You may THINK that this clinginess is a product of dementia, and in some cases, it might be. But there are also people who are overly enmeshed with their children's lives when they are young and healthy. My MIL had to call every time there was an occasion for me and my husband to a) be married--she sent us a telegram in the middle of the night to call home immediately. We thought his Dad had died. She wanted to know if we had stolen her black and white TV that only gets two channels. About ten years later, we took a belated honeymoon to Hawaii. She called to say she was at death's door, needing antibiotics that we got for her via several phone calls to neighbors and friends and then she said SHE WASN'T GOING TO TAKE THEM UNTIL WE GOT HOME!!!!! Depression and Narcissism are two other reasons for velcro elderly. She wouldn't let her son put laundry in down in the cellar. She HAD to know where he was every minute. This anxiety will not be cured and should not be endured. I would tell her, "He's not your prisoner. He's allowed out of the house." She had no fixation on anybody but her son. I was with her but that wasn't good enough. I only met her 3 weeks before our wedding despite several requests to my fiancee to meet her earlier. Had I known what I was getting into (the LaBria Tar Pit), I might not have shown up for the wedding. Good luck.
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My 80 year old mom does this as well. Constantly. All day, from the time she wakes up until she goes to bed, and even then comes out of her room several times to say goodnight. This can be 12, 14 hours. Nothing seems to distract her and it appears she is just afraid of being alone. It is very wearing.
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the coloring book is a great idea.Also easy easy books where you try to find things...this will not only help you and here but stimulate her brain..the real easy ones otherwise she will get frustrated and upset.Do you have agencies that can provide respite?? You need to take care of you..good luck and bless you
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Yup. Same here with me and my mom (93). Since I don't live with her, I usually can tolerate it. Except when I am trying to get her to bed so I can leave and on the rare occasions when I am concentrating on paperwork. Then it truly tests my patience. I have to remind myself there will come a time when I will miss it. Works most but not all of the time.

Good luck. I hope you can figure out how to get yourself much-needed breaks.
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My mother, 87 with fairly advanced dementia, is always asking "who lives here", "are you sleeping here tonight", "If you go out, please let me know", etc. I think she has a terrible fear of being alone. She went straight from home to marriage, and when my dad passed away 28 years ago, she started sleeping with the TV and all the lights on. She still wants to have all the lights on, so we replaced the bulbs in the lamps with lower wattage ones, and took out the ones on the overhead. The doctor wants her to sleep with only one small night light, but that doesn't work with mom. She will throw a nasty fit if we turn out the lamps and leave on only a night light. I feel bad for her that she lives with such fear, but there doesn't seem to be any help for it other than to continually reassure her that we will always stay here when she is sleeping. (She is NEVER left alone at any time).
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My mum is not "clingy" yet? but is at me and at me and at me to do things its constant and so annoying!
My friends mum had als and this was a big thing with her she would follow her son to the toilet etc so as ive heard this is common and yes i think its a fear of being abandoned from what ive read about this?
Hugs i can imagine how distressing this could be!
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Its the same thing here. Follows me to the bathroom, to the bed room if I have laundry to fold. Won't help, just stares. He gets upset if I am on the computer too long. The staring is unnerving after a while. Right now he is watching the TV from the couch, I am 4 steps away with the computer in my lap and he wants me to sit on the couch with him. The internet cable isn't long enough so I get to stay in my chair. He was in daycare for a few months and I was beginning to feel somewhat sane, but now they won't take him back because of aggressive tendencies. I am looking into having some one come in a couple of days per week but I have no where to go when someone is here. All my "friends " are long gone and it seems silly to me to leave the apt just to be alone. But if I stay here .. well you know the answer to that. Some days I just want to bang my head against the wall til I fall over. Sorry to be so dramatic but I guess all you letters and comments pushed a button for me.
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I think people with dementia are afraid to be alone and fear desertion. Also they have a string need to be with someone as a comfort measure. Time has no meaning , so it is difficult to say "I'll be right back!" Out of sight is as if you are gone forever. I guess the only way to get some peace would be to have another family member or familiar friend stay with your loved one.
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I have been in the business of caring for dementia patients for 8 years. I do it because I am across the board Pro-Life. I think 6 hours a day is not much at all, I care for clients 24 hrs a day 7 days a week w 3 hours off for Mass. My advice, engage, engage, engage. And not to guilt you, but when your loved one is gone you will regret not having 5 more minutes at their side. Caring for the elderly & informed is a honor, not a burden. Look to them as if they held the face of Christ. It is He you are serving, but caring for them. One major tip that works wonders, re-create the hobbies they did when they were young. Baking, watching Church on tv every day, the music will sooth both of you. Use music therapy, if they liked piano or dance as a child, turn on Dancing with the Stars, all my clients like that. Gather a basket of baby clothes from a garage sale, have her fold them & talk about when they gave birth to you, how handsome & healthy your Father was then. Ask about your Baptism, family parties, deceased Aunts & Uncles she was close to. Good Luck, the level of consciousness to change is our own.
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to jillstojeba: that is a great idea but in my case my father worked outside in the flowers/gardens after working an 8 hour day at his regular job. he can no longer do the gardening/flowers.......so he was never a tv watcher (now getting macular), he does listen to music, not much of a book reader so his life was an outdoors things.........so sometimes it is hard to get them to do other things. but I do know what you are talking about.
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I love 1956Sherry's answer about a coloring book! I am going to suggest this for my mother in law who is in rehab now. She won't watch TV or read so all she does is complain and worry (aside from the minimal physical therapy she is up to). My mother in law is afarid to be alone (without family) and my father in law is with her 10-12 hours a day. If he leaves to go home and pay bills, do errands, take a nap (he's 90 and needs a nap for goodness sakes) she is immediately on the phone asking him, my sister in law or brother in law when he will be back. Your Ninny may be feeling frightened too. Hopefully the coloring book will give you some space and her some fun and comfort.
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Sometimes this is called shadowing and comes along with dementia. But many of you have given excellent answers that are more general.

Someone at that age may feel that they want every bit of you that they can have. They know they won't be around long and they may fear, as was mentioned, dying alone.

It's very difficult to be shadowed, but it's also difficult to live in fear. As with so many things, trying to fine a balance of some kind so that the person feels cared for and the caregiver can breathe some air alone is very, very hard. You are all amazing with your advice. Keep it coming.
Carol
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Hee hee mum has just spent 3hrs unravelling her jewlery lots of necklaces all scrunched together! theres an idea. I get my mum an arrow word book,newspapers,ive noticed shes not reading her books anymore. Yes i give her little boring jobs to do like folding clothes or organising old newspapers for recycling!
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Dear ? Not sure what the name is there~lol. I live in a Retirement Home where men love being outside & once had a Parkingson's man who was an outdoors man/fisherman who loved watching me garden. I've gotton motorized vehicles for a few of them & they put on about 2 miles a day buzzing about out around the lake walking their puppies & heading down to the gazebo. My Father lives in a subdivision w 7 lakes...those places might be "private property" but no one is going to lock up you & a dementia man driving around a lake. When my Parkingsons/Leukemia man found out he had less than 24 hours to live, he wanted to watch a construction crew working with all the machinery. Even setting them up in a lawn chair with a fishing rod for a 1/2 hr would thrill them (maybe buy a fish from the market for dinner when you're buying those worms!) Just be creative. I know we can't get them outside when it's 100', but take a spin in the wheelchair after breakfast & before it gets muggy,,,Here is a game I do with my kids & am incorporating with my Dementia clients~the little ones LOVE it & the generations can do it together~grab styrofoam packaging from boxes/deliveries & fit them into a building/"castle" shape, pour a fistful of frilly toothpicks into a bowl & start lining them up around the top edge of the "tower" ask them to join in & praise their choices when they start their "castle" If you have minature toys/lego people they can make toothpick rooms for them to live in, or you can make pipecleaner animals & a "cage" of toothpicks needs to be created. At the store toothpicks, cocktail stirrers, "swords" can be bought very cheaply & the "fun" lasts for hours while you have the time to prepare a nice meal & I've never been able to take their "accomplishment" down for days.
Also, making cards for loved ones who care for them or grandchildren with stickers & shiny buttons or 'gems" glued to them are not only healthy for the brain (Tommy likes blue, Susie likes horses) but is always a treasured keepsake in the end.
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I am experiencing the same problem with my 96 yr old mom. I love the towel folding idea....good idea to just give her the same basket load every day :). I dont think my mom would color though. She would think it too childish.
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My MIL I think is starting to get a bit clingy but then again she's always been somewhat clingy and wanting to be in all of her children's business. My dh is her only surviving child now which I know has to be agonizing to her, losing three children, two of which I know could've been prevented if they'd only made better choices. When she was younger she didn't want any animals in the house at all. Now she lets my cat come in. (We don't live in the same home, she lives up the hill from me) My cat follows me up there when I bring her meds up there and sometimes the cat spends the night. It's the perfect set up. The cat keeps her company, gets constant attention, but MIL isn't responsible for the cat's care. I am. My cat knows to meow at the door if she needs to do her business and MIL lets her out. It's not the same as a person being there but she's told me that she likes having the cat come visit. I think it helps her a lot. The cat has even been known to go visit without me. :)
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