Closing out home of loved one after move to assisted living, advice?

Ten years ago, mom was still in her house and I was maintaining everything and knew I couldn't keep it up.  I was exhausted and it was no longer safe for her to be there alone. We were waiting on a brand new assisted living facility to be built two minutes from my house.  Once it was complete, I called a realtor and listed her house.  I told the realtor we needed at least a days notice to show the house because I had to go there and clean the house to make it presentable and take mom out of the house.  I work full time and have a home of my own, so managing her and all of this was no walk in the park.  Luckily the home was shown maybe 10 times before it sold.  Moms furniture was too big for her AL apartment, so we bought new apartment sized furniture and I tried to make it a fun thing for the two of us.  "Decorating her cute little apartment".  I listed her large old furniture on craigslist and sold it.  Once mom was moved into AL, I then had the chore of going through everything....the garage, the attic, closets, etc.  It was exhausting and I was angry. I was angry that mom had dementia at a young age, I was angry that I didn't have any help, I was angry that she had so much crap in the house....I was just angry.   I hauled many things to GoodWill to donate what I didn't think I could sell.  Everything else was thrown out.  Pictures and documents were thrown into huge storage tubs and taken to my garage to be gone through when I wasn't under time constraints, because we had to be out of the house by a certain date.

Mom didn't have any money to hire help, so I had to do it myself.  Even if mom would have had money to hire folks for the heavy lifting, I would have had to have gone through everything first, because she had stuff hidden.  I didn't have a clue what all was in that house. 

I know my mom couldn't have predicted in her wildest dreams that she would be diagnosed with dementia in her 60's, especially when her mom was still alive and living alone and sharp as a tack!  So mom had not downsized or organized or planned.  I hope to have my things in better order so that my daughter is not saddled with the stress of everything I went through with my mom.

When you have your friends and family choose the items they want don't let everyone in at once and don't let them wander by themselves. I made a serious error. A family member who always joked about hoarding tendencies actually is a hoarder. Getting items I wanted back took a lot of effort. I mean a lot of effort. Dozens of phone calls. I saw a new side to this person and I haven't forgotten.
Just be aware.

STOP! You need to go through everything first. My parents hid money, documents, and valuables in closets, drawers, pockets, you name it. I found over $300 in cash stashed in various handbags and even the freezer. We found mom's checkbook rolled up in a shirt and hidden in the back of a drawer. Insurance papers, the title to the house and other items where hidden in books.

that being said I used EBTH to auction a lot of jewelry and watches and was very disappointed in the return. They advertised that they would connect with their network of collectors to build interest in the items but we only received a fraction of the appraised value of the items.

When I cleared out my parents house I used a local auction company that photographed everything left in the house and held an online auction. They handled everything and did a great job. I then cleaned the house, scrubbed swept and dusted.

We sold the house empty, as is, wishing 48 hours of it being listed. I think having cleared it out helped it show better. Buyers want to see the bones of a house, not someone else’s stuff.

After I moved my married couple friends into a memory care apartment as their power of attorney, I started to deal with the condo they owned. First step was to have an antique dealer come and buy whatever antiques they had.

Second step was to invite some native American friends to take whatever furniture they wanted for free. Their community is the poorest in our state and both my friends and I were already friends with some, so this worked out well.

Then I went through everything else myself. Left over furniture went to Bridges,
along with some clothing. Very personal items I brought to my house with the idea of getting them to distant relatives of theirs. Only one on the wife's side, and only one contact on the husband's side. I still have to get around to giving or shipping these.

Then i had a realtor come in to give me advice on any changes I should make before trying to sell their condo. Double paned windows that had leaked between the panes were replaced, along with the entry door. I had the carpets cleaned next. The realtor had suggested an asking price but when I read about the shortage of low cost homes, I added another $20,000 to that and put it on the market. The second couple who saw it bought it. I had left a few things behind, like clothes storage items in the basement and a few pieces of furniture, like the filling cabinets and desk in the basement. an old couch and end table, etc. All was appreciated.

All this took time, of course. I found I could work about 3 hours a day before getting too tired at age 72, so I gave myself a lot of leeway. All this work was spread out over about 2 years. I didn't feel any undue pressure to hurry up on this, so I didn't. And I never told my friends what I was doing with all their stuff.
The wife had frontal temporal dementia and only lived another 5 months after I got them into their memory care apartment. Her mind was just shutting down, but I got the best advice from the head nurse there about what I should be ready for and do. I needed that guidance since I knew nothing about dementia and the forms it could take.

The day of the move, another friend came and took them out to breakfast in a nearby town and then to have their nails done. In the meantime, I was supervising the move of their furniture to their new apartment. We set it up just like they had it in their condo with the furniture arranged the same way with the same pictures on the walls, etc. They never said one word about wanting to go home or back since "home" was already there.

It was made easier for me with their habits of saving and investing money, so I could pay for what was needed quite easily. I was also executor of their estate, so knew what their wishes were. The husband is still living in that same apartment and at age 95 is remarkably healthy. I expect his veteran's benefits to begin soon to help pay for his care. These places are not cheap and his apartment is costing over $10,000 a month for most months, so I've gone through the savings and investments, condo sale money, etc.--thankful for his having had them to use. After 18 months of regular payments, the facility will accept whatever public financing is available. It's been over 5 years now, so he'll never have to leave.

Thank you so much for posting this question. I am dealing with the same situation right now. My 91 year old dad who has been in assisted living for 2 years has finally decided to sell his house now that my brother is no longer living there. My parents never threw anything away and going through their stuff is a job! I have found papers from the 20's which were from my grandparents. All of the responses from ones who have gone through this already have been so helpful. I don't think anyone realizes how difficult a task this is unless they are the ones dealing with it.

I had to face 'having' to sell my mother's home to help cover costs for AFL.
I hired a real estate agent who, themselves, had an extensive list of service providers that would help get the place ready for market.

Between dealing with my mother and my own family obligations, I ended packing up a lot - just pulling out the drawers and closets and emptying them into a box. Furniture wise wasn't sure what she would need down the road but whatever it was, it was going to be a heck of alot smaller than what she had....so I had a non-profit come and pick up some of the furniture that I knew she wasn't going to need.
Then, rented a storage unit and had a moving company bring everything there.
And I am so glad I did.

Mother went down hill at the AFL, ended up in hospice, and then passed away - all in the matter of 4 months. There was SO much to do and so much time spent on helping her and being there for her, and making those medical decisions, spending time at afL, hospitals and hospice facilities.

During that time, the house was empty, the real estate agent got the service providers to bring house market ready, put on market, sold in 2 days. Done.

Now, I have started going through the storage unit. I bring home 1-3 boxes every other week or so, because I go through everything - every piece of paper has to be looked at and decided what to do with it. I have found Western Union telegrams from the 50s, passports from the 1920's, handwritten memories on slips of paper and photos - oh my, must be at least 35-40 photo albums packed solid. I now have the luxury of time and presence to go through all this...and be able to figure out what to do with things.

When she passed

We went through first and knowing where Dad would keep most things of value and/or papers in three rooms helped. So those rooms I reserved for myself and only a few other family/friends that were most trusted. Then had a shredding company to shred several bags of very old records not needed and old computers. Once family, friends, church, and fraternity got what they wanted, donated what we could and of course we took out everything Dad needed/wanted that helped. On occasion for just a few things I would video chat with Dad to get his feedback and to allow him to be in control of some of it. Then had company come in and do final clean out and clean up. We sold as-is so did not do repairs as it would not have gotten us any real added value in final sale.

I'm so glad that you asked this question!
My parents condo which they still live in, with a caregiver during the week and myself for the weekends. My mom won't throw anything away, including the bottle of wine they received nearly 20 years ago when they bought the condo. I've begged them for year's to replace the carpet, which they refuse to do. It's a cream colored carpet that is black on all traveled areas. I've tried cleaning it several times to no avail. Every thing in the condo needs to be renovated. The furniture they have is falling apart but again, refuses to buy new. Other furniture is huge and bulky. I have a sister that doesn't help with them at all but will be the first one to grab what she thinks would be valuable. All closets are filled to the brim. My mom is 86 and dad is 90 in Nov. I know it's going to take a lot of work and time to get their place cleaned out. Not looking forward to it at all!! But as far as the carpet, id hate to put in new carpet for the new owners to rip out because it's not what they would want!! Their condo will definitely end up being sold as is!!
I'm thankful for all the responses to your question as it has helped me too!!
Prayers and hugs to all going through this now and in the future!!

I've had some time to breathe and go through all the responses - thank you all for them. Not sure what the attorney will advise - likely auction of whatever is left in the house, then sell the house. But at least now I can walk through the house - in most places - not possible two months ago. My time is limited - it's a good hour drive each way and no one in family nearby to help. I’m thinking maybe load all the scattered papers into boxes, take to storage so they are out of the house, and go through them later. Not everything will be relevant but things like tax returns, birth certificate, etc., should be located. Anyone have thoughts on cost of storage units? I've not looked into that. And who bears that expense?

The expensive possessions were all carefully documented and are now gone - that was tough. I'm not concerned about pots and pans, dishes, tools, clothing left behind. She has what she needs. What remains can be disposed of however the attorney decides. Bigger concern is sorting through the papers scattered and finding what should not be left behind for prying eyes. I feel like I owe my sister that much at least.

There are lots of books and tons of 3-ring binders full of expensive plastic sleeves…with music inserted. All that can probably be separated and recycled. Also fairly certain there is mold in the house. Next biggest problem is dealing with 94-year-old dear mother, an expert at hoarding, adamant about finding pieces of jewelry she knows are in that house somewhere. I realize she is dealing with grief in her way knowing her daughter may pass before she does. I dread the day I have to deal with mother’s belongings. 

All I can do is gather up ‘paper’, dump dresser drawers and file cabinets, box up what needs to be sorted later, and leave the rest. Most of the ‘music’ in the binders is likely stored on the computer - if we find password, the files could be downloaded for her use later although I doubt she will ask for them. If all else fails, maybe destroy the hard drive and add computer to auction. Am I thinking the right direction or missing any obvious points?

I suggest hiring someone to "pack" the papers, photos, and other stuff you might be interested in keeping and moving it to a storage facility located near your home so you can go through it later and determine what you want/need to keep. You can usually hire a company to sell the remaining furniture and decorations, even kitchenware, or donate to a charity (many will pick up your donations). The company that handles estate sales here post pictures on their Facebook site the week of the auction and seem to get a good following. It's a lot easier to sort a box or two a day at your leisure from storage than try to get it done in a confined time while emptying the house.