My 75-year-old Grandpa has always been a little bit of a difficult person but as he's gotten older he is causing more trouble. It's hard to know whether he is putting on an act or not.
Situation: He lives at home with my parents. They are in a populated neighborhood. He doesn't do much around home, acts confused and helpless, in pain, etc. Occasionally he has moments where he's kind and giving, buys gifts or gives them money for things they need. But most of the time he acts helpless.
However, if a neighbor needs help or he sees a neighbor outside, he seems to have more energy and clarity and will go out and do almost anything for them. He has a dog and some cats and does not care well for them and insists my mom walk the dog. He watches the same movie sometimes several times a day, sometimes for weeks in a row.
He owns the home they live in and does get repairs done but usually only when it's an emergency. My parents must do most of the work to keep the place looking nice. His room/apartment is a disaster while the rest of the place is nice.
He has a variety of minor health issues, so it is believable that he'd be in some pain. This year he forgot when Halloween is, when his daughter's birthday is and when Thanksgiving is. But according to them, that's been his norm for years. One time he forgot where he was on a main street that he's been on hundreds of times to pick up his food box. Last year he had a short, small bout with cancer, thankfully they removed it and he only had a little radiation and has been clear ever since.
I have long suspected he was emasculated by my grandma, because she was pretty mean to him and now, he acts helpless around my mom so she helps him, while with other people, he feels like he can help them. My mom is also critical of him, partially because he acts so helpless, and she believes he is not as helpless as he acts. But now my parents think my grandma was mean to him because of how he acts and that he's just a bad person.
I don't know what to think. Is it just old age? Is it cognitive decline like dementia or something? Or is he legitimately playing this up? He can still walk, talk, drive, make himself food, get himself dressed though he never bathes because he slipped in the shower once and it scared him, so he doesn't anymore. But he's capable of it. He does move kind of slowly, but his health is overall fine for a 75-year-old.
Is there anything I can do to better understand him or to help my parents understand him better? Anything any of us could do to help him be more active around the home?
I would never have Grandpa (or my parents) living with me, but I have wondered if I may be called upon to be POA or to have more input on his future. And should my parents become completely incapable of caring for him (homeless or whatnot), I don't know what would happen. At some point the charade will fall and things will be awful, and for Grandpa's sake I'm hoping that's after he passes away.
At this point my goal is to learn more about dementia (from reading this forum as well as the replies here and the suggested reading materials) so that I can be informed and educated. It may be that I never have to do anything more than interacting with him, but I want to prepare myself as best I can for whatever may come - not just with him but any of my loved ones that may get dementia in the future.
I will stick to my boundaries. Thankfully we are in separate states and I am not financially in any position to house anyone, to move or anything like that, and they definitely are not. I really don't know what they'd do if Grandpa sold the house, but Grandpa has no intentions of doing so. He has life insurance that will cover paying for the house when he dies, so he plans on being there until his death.
When I say I have helped financially, it's been small things like gift cards and such to get groceries, but I have stopped giving them money and simply buy things they need occasionally when they get in a tight spot. I probably should stop that, too, but it's hard so I'm just taking baby steps of pulling back slowly.
I want to be informed and educated, and to help where I can in a healthy way. I just thought this would be a good place to start, by talking to people who have been through it face to face. Thank you again for all of your input.
If it is dementia , gramps can not be reasoned with .
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Educate yourself about what dementia looks like.
Best of luck.
Do either of your parents work ? You say your grandfather pays most of the bills . You mention in a reply below , that you do what you “ can to provide care financially and emotionally”.
You should not be sending money . You need to save money for your own retirement . Your grandfather has a house that can be sold to pay for him to get care in assisted living .
In my opinion , your parents are the problem because they are not supporting themselves . Do not make that your problem . Do not send money . I suspect your parents will continue to live with grandpa and complain about it .
I have told them they should take him to the doctor and get a checkup. He does go to the doctor but not for that. While out and about he can appear quite cheerful and normal. It is at home that he regresses severely.
So either he is afraid to try to do anything around them for fear of ??? or he's really starting to lose his cognitive abilities.
They moved in with him 5 years ago so it's not been terribly long. Before that he was living on his own and seemed to be ok though he would call them at their place for answers to things he should have known answers to. I used to think he was just lonely but now I'm wondering if he really didn't know.
It's definitely a complicated, difficult situation and frankly toxic. I live far away but want to prepare myself for whatever may come - whether it is caring for him full time if needed, or helping him get into a home where he is cared for. I want to know how to interact with him appropriately as well. Some recommendations here have been very helpful and I will do more research using the information here.
Thanks for your response!
Also your comment that your parents overestimate his abilities seems spot on. Many people stay in denial about dementia. If mom admitted he has some cognitive decline, she might have to do something about it. She doesn’t want to.
Congratulations for wanting to help grandfather, but that’s for your mom to do. You’re essentially powerless. If you don’t admit that and keep out of it, I see the brewing of an epic family mess.
I suspect that he has some form of dementia and I have said that to them for the past few years.
I suspect they tack it on as part of his bad behaviors from the past (he was an alcoholic and kind of a jerk in his younger years) so they may not realize that it's dementia or whatever.
I suspect they are in denial because I know they are afraid of him dying and them losing their place to live.
I have learned to be supportive where I can, without getting so involved that it becomes a mess. However, I am also attempting to learn as much as I can so that if it comes down to it and I need to care for him more directly, I can, and also when interacting with him when I do visit, I don't want to be surprised or upset by his behaviors. Essentially I just want to understand. And many times, my parents eventually have listened to what I say, if I explain it well enough. So I am hoping I can *gently* help them understand that there might be more going on so they can get him the help he needs, and so they are not so frustrated.
I do realize that it's not my job to do that and that they need to be the ones doing it. I'm just trying to understand and help when/where I can.
Then I would believe them.
I assume your parents are living now in his home rent free, and will likely inherit it, and you say that with the exception of his room it is "nice".
Your Mom is apparently a bit "easy" if his wish for her to walk his dogs is her command, but that's up to her.
I am assuming you are of age, no longer a minor? So I would say if this is working for your granddad, your parents, then leave well enough alone, move out and move on with your own life whether job or education.
I am 36 and have not lived with them in many years, been married for 16 years now. I visit them a few times a year as I live states away.
I don't think it really is working for them as my parents are constantly frustrated with him and it's caused a great deal of anxiety and negativity in that household. I was hoping to get some insight so first of all, I can understand him when I talk with him or visit, and secondly so perhaps I can help them realize they need to get him help and all this frustration, while understandable, is not his fault and he's not trying to cause trouble.
I could be wrong. He could just be a messed up person. But the way the behaviors are, it reeks of something outside his control. But as I have no experience with dementia or cognitive decline since my other grandparents are sharp or have passed away, I am unfamiliar with the signs and don't have any control over taking him to the doctor so the least I can do is try to understand and be as supportive as possible in things that are best for him and my family.
My mother had dementia and lived in Memory Care Assisted Living. To her dying day, in a wheelchair, she felt compelled to help her fellow residents when she herself was quite helpless! That drove me crazy! It wasn't that she was "faking" her dementia or that it wasn't real, it was her way of showing others she was more capable than they were. And a bit of a genuine desire to help, too I would imagine.
An elders physical health can be fine while their brain health is deteriorating constantly; one has nothing to do with the other. Dementia is not linear, either. Meaning one day grandpa can be totally coherent and the next day he can be totally out of it.
You can't diagnose him yourself, so see about getting him to the doc for a full physical and mini cognition test as well.
I wanted to be able to understand him better when interacting with him and talking with him, as well as potentially helping them to better understand him as well. I'm unfamiliar with dementia up close, so I wasn't sure if maybe I was way off base or not and wanted to hear from those who have dealt with dementia and decline up close, to see if it's even remotely a possibility, based on these behaviors.
When he can do things with and for neighbors, it could be "showtiming". People with dementia can put on a good show for others. But they can't keep it up for very long and let their guard down at home.
He could have a bad habit of acting helpless with his daughter. Pretty common. SO mom needs to start standing up and setting some boundaries. He has a dog. If he wants a dog, he will need to start taking care of it, including walking it. If he refuses, then they should get rid of the dog. He should have chores to do around the house.
His forgetfulness is concerning.
Good luck getting to the bottom of this. Or actually giving your mom some info to follow up on .
Regarding showering - is the shower safe for an elderly person? Are there bars to hold on to for entering and exiting? Is there a seat? Is there a non-slip mat?
According to them, he's been forgetful like that for the entirety of his adulthood. However, I have personally noticed an obvious decline in his mental capacity and to a point physical abilities.
The shower is not really safe for him. It is in a tub and you have to step up onto a step from the bathroom floor, and then step into the tub. The tub has a door as well. They are quite poor so can't do anything about the tub situation. I have never observed him smelling bad so he must do something to keep himself cleaner. He's almost bald so I can't tell by his hair. There's only one bathroom in the whole place, and it's upstairs on the main floor. He is downstairs in the basement - his choice, he had a choice to take the bedroom next to the bathroom but he wanted to be secluded in the basement. So it takes a lot for him to walk upstairs to use the bathroom, let alone showering.
I agree that they should get rid of the dog, but the dog has lived with him since it was a puppy and is old. If my mom doesn't walk the dog, my grandfather will let the dog go to the bathroom in the room.
My mom is the one who does most of the chores around there, especially relating to his care as my dad refuses to do much of anything for my grandfather. Sometimes Grandpa will mow the lawn or help with yard work, but it's not usually done well and needs to be redone, causing more work. Even though he only has one room, he considers it to be his "apartment" and the rest of the house is their responsibility. They also see it that way, though they would welcome his help if he were to offer.
He can be stubborn and cranky and say cutting things. He can get angry and be a "grumpy old man". Sometimes I think it's because they possibly overestimate what he's able to do because they compare him to other old people they know. I think maybe my mom is unwilling to see him as an old man with limitations. He used to be a carpenter, in the military and could fix cars really well but now he acts like he can barely take care of his property.
I have suggested to them that they see a doctor for his cognitive issues, but so far they think he's doing all this on purpose. Maybe he is...and maybe he's not. While he can be a difficult person, he did buy that house so that they wouldn't be homeless so I feel like he has a heart somewhere. He pays the majority of the bills around there and doesn't generally complain about that. So I really don't think he's heartless or ungrateful for the help.
With that said, he has made twisted sexual comments towards my mom, regarding her but also regarding the animals though he never actually does anything. I don't know if that's something that comes with cognitive decline or not. I live 700 miles from them but do my best to help provide care financially and emotionally and I speak with them daily. I don't talk with him much because he's not a talker and he always goes back to them and scrambles what I said, which gets me in trouble because he makes it sound like I was dogging them.
I realize this is an altogether unhealthy situation, but I'm doing what I can to take care of my Grandpa. He's never done anything to hurt me and I have no legitimate reason to feel like he's doing all this stuff on purpose unless I just don't know him as well as I thought.