Hi all,
I've never posted, but I've read and stalked a lot of posts over the years. And the time that I do, it's because life has been crazy with caring for my mom. Luckily, I've had support from a friend whose life used to mirror mine in terms of all the things that have happened. She truly gets it.
I do wish I had reached out more here, but you all know how it is; your brain can only handle so much in a day and getting online at the exact moment something happens doesn't come, and then you forget about it.
I'm a bit lost at this stage because my mother is now in hospice and passing away. I've cared for her over the past 7 years, and she has lived with me for the past 15 months. I've taken her to multiple doctor's appointments, chemotherapy, been her counselor, comforter, prayer warrior, daughter, and friend. It's weird that she has been gone for 6 weeks (hospital stay + hospice).
There is a lot I could share, but things have been rough: family disputes popping up over the weekend, my 10-year-old cat had to be euthanized 2 weeks ago after being misdiagnosed and ending up with metastatic cancer just like my dear mom, etc.
I have 4 siblings here, and they started helping more when I asked for help this year; one is out of town, so he couldn't do too much. But I've been struggling, but have also been utilizing biblical counseling these past few months to 'prepare' myself. It's been helping, so I'm glad that I started doing that. I went to the animal shelter yesterday and decided to foster a mama kitten and her 5 kittens. It's already helping.
Only one of my siblings has checked in on me when it comes to our mom not being here, and that hurts a bit. It's hard to look in her room, so I'm letting the kittens stay in there now, but it will soon become a workout room. It was originally a place of sickness, tears, depression, blood, sweat, and pain. I now want it to be a for health. I'm just trying to figure out how I want to move forward
My dad passed away in 2007, so I'm feeling a bit like an orphan. I know that's not true. My parents were/are everything and so amazing. I have been blessed, so though it hurts to have lost/lose them, I realize that it's even a bigger blessing to have had TWO people like this in my life. :)
Has anyone else who has lost a parent struggled with finding their identity after they pass, when you've been the caregiver for so long?
Love that. We all will die but the best legacy we can leave behind is we were the best person we could be. We loved our kids unconditionally and our family as a whole. It would be nice if people could know what was going to be said about them when they are no longer here. Maybe they would try to change how they treat others. You don't get love by demanding it, you get it because you give it.
I highly recommend a wonderful book: Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, by David Kessler.
In this groundbreaking and “poignant” (Los Angeles Times) book, David Kessler—praised for his work by Maria Shriver, Marianne Williamson, and Mother Teresa—journeys beyond the classic five stages to discover a sixth stage: meaning.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first identified the stages of dying in her transformative book On Death and Dying. Decades later, she and David Kessler wrote the classic On Grief and Grieving, introducing the stages of grief with the same transformative pragmatism and compassion. Now, based on hard-earned personal experiences, as well as knowledge and wisdom gained through decades of work with the grieving, Kessler introduces a critical sixth stage: meaning.
Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
“Beautiful, tender, and wise” (Katy Butler, author of The Art of Dying Well), Finding Meaning is “an excellent addition to grief literature that helps pave the way for steps toward healing” (School Library Journal).
https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Sixth-Stage-Grief/dp/1501192744/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2N5WOD0676B94&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Kc45MUJDErgLGsIpVj0X5s9UTuh9m-koRGECGX9e0L4NDb8BTKkylW_KN9h_PYp42iT_co6mjzEAAyA3M2Gv00jkYM2mT8QqYTnIfxJYpuArJ945I2C8__eUueYScjH20kQaclXugPn3lp1XeKM05BrDLNGWQJ6G3T0uHUaXwPIvLrA2RNdCxqmbmbBR8jP6DE6PXHVwdtwC9GK2dyP-UU4c3THVssFgVx5pnj2Voxw.hLb4E4Ij13uZrTwHvR50pJ2OAwKUkkbffjXjSALd1yw&dib_tag=se&keywords=david+kessler+finding+meaning+the+sixth+stage+of+grief&qid=1730156954&sprefix=David+kessler%2Caps%2C204&sr=8-1
Above is the Amazon link. You can even get the workbook that goes along with the book.
I think we all have many roles in life, especially women. Mothers, daughters, wives, professionals, cooks, friends, caregivers, counselors......givers, basically. You've lost only one of your Giver roles, and oftentimes, volunteering is a natural progression for caregivers. Volunteering your time in a children's hospital or a nursing home or any number of places where you could be of service may help fill the void your mom left in you. And developing a new routine in the house every day is important too. Structure prevents chaos, especially mind chatter type chaos.
Wishing you the best of luck with finding your new meaning in life.
You already know who you are. You already know you need a mission of mercy to feel whole and you are already doing that.
You will miss her. But I promise you she will never be gone from you. I am 82 and my mom is still with me.
This isn't an easy transition. But it may be less hard than you imagine. Give it the time you need. Don't worry about the siblings. You already knew a long time who and how they are. They do their best with their limitations.
Heart out to you my sweet. Keep on keeping on. Come and talk when you need to. And good on you for your loving gentle heart. Were our world full with people like you it would be a much more wondrous place, this.