As I posted before, my mom is in a SNF after suffering a stroke. She is wheelchair-bound and has significant vascular dementia. Seemingly like many elders, she is absolutely obsessed with going to the bathroom, sometimes asking to be taken there several times an hour, much of the time not doing anything (and then asking to be taken again). She does not have a UTI. I know her behavior must be annoying and exhausting for the staff. This afternoon, one of her aides apparently complained to my mom that she had asked to go to the bathroom eleven times in the course of two hours. My mom, of course, says that the aide is lying, but I have no problem believing that it's true. However, I feel that the aide should not have said that to her. My mom is helpless, very vulnerable and extremely anxious (despite being on both Seroquel and Ativan). The aide saying this to her upset her greatly and embarrassed her and now she is even more anxious about asking for help. Am I right to think this was way out of line? Should I say something to her care manager? I try very hard to stay on the good side of the people taking care of her (and know how hard their job is), but I am really angry and upset that the aide complained to her about something she really has no control over.
The aide was not complaining to her she was letting her know that she is not going to be toileted 11 times in two hours and enough is enough because the CNA has work to do.
That's not out of line at all. The CNA is not exclusively there to play the game of let's go to the bathroom every ten minutes literally.
They have other residents who they have to care for.
Don't get the aide in trouble. No one is perfect and if she's a good aide who provides decent care, they are hard to find in a nursing home.
This is leaving aside the logical flaw that your mother can't remember that she went to the bathroom five minutes ago but is going to be mortified forever by being taken to task on this occasion.
The aide challenged whether or not your mother needed the bathroom because she had already been transferred eleven times in two hours. She probably sounded impatient. She shouldn't have allowed any vestige of impatience to be detectable, of course she shouldn't. All I can say is: you try it.
I've heard worse (looked at from both sides). An aide was driven to drink by a resident who asked continually where her budgerigar was, have you seen Petee, I can't find Petee, where's Petee... and eventually the aide told the resident "we ate him." This was very cruel, the resident was extremely upset, and nobody -including the judge who handed down the sentence - even tried to see the funny side.
More to the point - your mother is experiencing urinary urgency. Ask her stroke team whether anything can be done about that rather than upping her anxiety meds. If she keeps transferring to the toilet and trying to pass urine when there's nothing there she's going to do herself no good at all, and little dribbles (I guess) could encourage infection. How is her fluid intake, by the way?
I think worse than the comment about eating the pet budgerigar is that so much fuss was made over such total nonsense that it was taken into court and a sentence passed.
I think what everyone knows but few will ever admit to knowing is that old people (with and without) dementia can get on our nerves the same way a brat child acting up does.
No one is perfect. We're all human and sometimes people reach a breaking point. That's when they say, 'we ate it'. Or when the child gets punished with a time-out.
So, I would instead converse with staff about "I know this is a big problem. What do you suggest??". I would think the only solution will come in the form of a pill. She has dementia - does she even know she's just been in the bathroom 10 minutes ago? Is she really feeling the urge or just thinks she should go? Probably can never get an answer to these type of questions but I just wonder what is going on. If she really is feeling the urge, maybe she needs a med for overactive bladder. Or her anxiety is not being properly managed by the meds she's on and that needs to be addressed.
I would be careful you aren't believing her or projecting your own upset over this comment. If there was even a comment made.
Personally, I don't find it offensive, it was true. This is why it's impossible for so many people to care for their loved ones at home, they think they should let the demented mind be in control, jump to every request immediately and do it with a smile and never correct the senior. Nope, it's okay to say you've been 11 times in the last 2 hours without it being a federal offense.
Obviously, your mom is getting good care, I don't know of any facility that would take a resident to the toilet every ten minutes. If I was you, I would be bringing treats to the care meeting, telling them you know how difficult your mom is, how much you appreciate the great care and asking what they recommend to help her feel less anxious and less urge and be less of a burden. Complaining about this could make you a PITA and affect the great care your mom is getting. I would tread carefully if it was my mom. She needs to learn to live there.
No blaming a particular CNA, just a friendly FYI to help them learn Mom's quirks.
My mother is in the same situation and I have been in her room when they say, "No" or "I will come back later". I know it upsets my Mom but I don't think there is anything else they can do as she won't ever understand why she can't do simple things she used to do.
Mother is very similar to many others on this site – unreasonable requests, and a mini-meltdown if there isn’t immediate service as requested. The emphasis here should surely be on mother’s behavior, not on the aide.
You say mom has a hard time asking for help, yet she asked for 12 bathroom trips in 120 minutes. I don't see that as having a problem asking for help.
I think she is feeding off of the anxiety she feels from you and is saying things to get you to act. No rhyme or reason why or how people long gone in dementia know but, maybe we get our sixth sense back as we revert to infancy?
Who told you that the aide was inappropriate or frustrated when/if they commented on her already 11 trips?
My daughter has an anxiety disorder, that is generally managed well with medication and therapy. But every so often she has a "flare-up", usually when she's stressed about something. And when she does, my goodness - she can take a passing comment someone makes with no intent to offend and worry at it like a dog with a juicy bone, until it has escalated into a scenario where the comment was absolutely unforgivable - essentially, a verbal slap across the face with a glove before insisting on pistols at twenty paces.
I understand how hard it is to say to yourself "this person that I love and want to protect is SO overreacting to something that they misinterpreted or misunderstood". And since you don't want to upset your LO further, you become loathe to point it out. I also get the urge to tell the "offending party" to cease and desist the behavior - whatever it might be - even though in your heart of hearts you know what they did was, in the greater scheme of things, really no big deal, because you just want your LO to have peace and calm in their minds. But this is the world we live in - you can't change everyone else's behavior for your anxious LO, you must find a way to help your anxious LO to live in the world in which they exist. And you have to understand that, even with meds, there are going to be times that the anxiety is ramped up and the only thing you can do is try to calm the situation as best you can without hurling recriminations at anyone.