My mother is in a supportive living facility and my brother and I are the responsible parties. We are responsible to use her funds to pay her bills. Now a friend of hers is on her bank account with her and she does not like how we are handling our mother's care. She convinced my mother to put a hold on her bank accounts and now we can't pay her bills. For several days I told my mother that she needed to release the hold so that we could pay her bills. It has been several days and the accounts are still on hold. I called senior services for help and explained the situation to them. They referred me to APS and I went through with it.
Did I do the right thing? I am deeply concerned that my name is on the lease agreement and yet I cannot access her account to pay her bills. This has caused me great stress and problems in my marriage!
Do not assume responsibility. If you do so you ARE assuming responsbility. NO ONE CAN INVOLVE YOU in this woman's care against your wishes.
You should not be accessing her accounts. You should not be paying her bills. That is the work of her POA. Or State guardianship.
Stay out of it, or you are in it. It is a pretty easy equation. Stay out of it and tell your case worker that is your intentions. Period. End of sentence. This is not something you can go back and forth on. This is something you decide NOT to be involved in and stick to that with no discussion and no argument.
Wishing you the best. Turn off your phone.
I just see no other choice because she is so abusive and always has been since we were kids. If I continue going on like this I will have a heart attack or some other major health problem. It is just insane to keep trying to help somebody who is so erratic and abusive!
APS caseworker told me that my mom does have the right to not have anybody contacted about this which is very concerning to me. But he also told me that if she refuses to let anybody be contacted then APS has the right to act in her best interest. I only hope and pray that he sees this for what it is, my mom's "friend" neglecting her healthcare by putting a hold on her bank account.
I don't know but we may be left with no other option than to give the facility a 30 day notice and bring her back home letting her fend for herself and count on her "friend" from now on. BTW, people have asked and I am not the POA, my brother is but he lives 2500 miles away and is not coming out here. This mess was thrust upon my wife and I and we have been doing the best we can given the resources we have!
If my mother would allow us and appreciate our efforts things would be much different.As it is I don't even want to visit her in the hospital or take her calls. She is the last person in the world I want to communicate with right now. That is awful to say but it is true!
We all are going to need to hear back from you to continue any pertinent advice that may be helpful to you.
Thinking that this requires immediate action.
If you are POA, (or rep-payee), open a new bank account to receive Mom's future income in the new account. "Your name", as POA (or rep payee for) "Mom's name".
She does not have to be present. You will need to bring a letter from Social Security or a legal document assigning you as POA.
Then, you are 100% in charge of Mom's funds, to pay her bills. You are required to NOT give her access to the account. But you know this, if your Mom requires a supportive living facility. ????
Of course you did the right thing by calling APS. The "friend" appears to be committing fraud, taking advantage of a vulnerable adult, Mom being not likely able to make sound decisions. Any protections and help you gave to Mom has been compromised.
Go there, boots on the ground. Take Mom away for a few days, do not allow this to continue. Discover how this "friend" took over.
Go physically to the old bank. Close the account if you have the authority (POA or REP PAYEE).
If you say you have no legal authority, and these funds are not under your control, were you unaware of your responsibilities under REP PAYEE? Stop there, no one is condemning you, this happens all too frequently. Your Mom, a vulnerable person under a rep-payee got together with a "friend", committing illegal actions. My loved one under a "rep-payee" managed to empty my bank account to buy a computer. He// to pay for me. And a reminder to intensify my efforts regularly.
A good and professional caregiver told me, if you don't yet have a POA or REP-Payee, get your Mom's instructions to you in writing, have her sign it. Everything you will do for her. Each time.
Or, go no contact, back off, choose to NOT expose yourself to such a dangerous legal situation with an uncooperative adult. It could ruin you.
And, as you have found, it could interfere with your marriage.
My "someone" fell, and needed help getting groceries delivered. We sent groceries at our own expense, while the person "needing help" was sitting on over $2,000.00 in EBT funds. The EBT card and PIN was provided, but then cancelled that same day. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I am okay with being the "bad guy", receiving anger for calling 911 for safety reasons later. Then, going absolutely no contact.
The person cannot get help unless the protections put in place are used.
Backing off to allow for the truth to come to light is an answer many could take heed to follow. But in the interim, it is nerve wracking.
See an attorney, get your name off the lease if you choose no contact.
Are you POA? Are you paying bills and keeping meticulous records as is your fiduciary duty?
I am uncertain how you were managing this. I am uncertain how the friend got put on this account.
Yes, this doesn't sound good. I hope you will have complete financial records ready for APS to go over. And your POA if you have one.
I think you did the right thing. But I fear you may need also to consult and elder law attorney, because something is wrong here and I can't make out what it might be. An attorney will help you iron this out.
Do you have immediate POA? I hope that is what you mean by responsibility to pay Moms bills from her accounts. If you have POA and Mom has Dementia you may be able to talk to the bank and have the accounts reopened. If it turns out you can set up knew accts, I would be careful. You may need to place Moms name on the acct for Medicaid reasons. If Medicaid will be needed in the next 5 yrs, it could look like u were trying to hide assets. I so hope you did not sign the lease.
Is your mom incompetent?
This is a fine mess for sure.
When I first started caring for my DH Aunt, I had a few issues with her SIL. Because aunt was the one who always drove the SIL to do her shopping, SIL didn’t like it when aunt stopped driving. I would hear Aunt on the phone explaining that I didn’t think she should drive and getting pushback from the SIL. Thankfully she didn’t give in to her SIL.
Additionally the other issue is to get the friend off the bank account. To do this w/o the friends cooperation, your mother will have to open a new bank account and move her funds. The friend could have already cleaned her account out.
Do you feel the friend is a busybody or after your moms funds? It is a little late now, but as others have said, never sign or make yourself responsible for your mother’s care.
I doubt the facility will just take your name off, why would they? I hope they are locally owned and will work with you to get this unraveled. Let us know if APS is able to help.
You need to undo this asap.
Call APS but also have the home redo the paperwork so that MOM is the responsible party.
I would also tell your mother that she’s on her own, she can figure it out going forward. This is a disgusting betrayal.