Being a caregiver to my mother is getting to be overwhelming......but I get guilty feelings and feel bad when I have these thoughts and feelings. It's as though I have to do it (the care) and keep a smile on my face and I feel terrible sometimes if I feel negative about it. My mother has heard me talk about it many times and I feel guilty with that too......her thinking that she is a burden on me. I think one answer is that we all wish it was years ago when our parents were younger and healthy and everything was easier back then. Life was better, everyone was happy......it was fun times. Now, we see how our parents are old and sick and it gets us angry to see them that way. It's almost like we blame our parents for getting old and putting us in the position we are now in. I have to control my guilty thoughts because one day when my mother is gone, I don't want to look back and feel regret over these guilty feelings that I have. It's just hard doing all of this and it's life changing. I just wish my mother was young and healthy again. Does anyone have these guilty feelings?
You have strength, courage, and a great sense of humor. I admire that. Your Mom raised a good man. To give you a good laugh, the growth I have made in being a human being is huge. I kept my mouth shut for a month, so that my Dad would decide to start Parkinson drugs on his own. lol Now you know that almost killed me. If I can do that I can do anything, and so can you. Thanks for the hug. I needed it. It made my day.
Try to get some outside help if you can afford for as many hrs as you can afford to help with mom. Will she consider visiting senior center a few days a week -- this will give you both a break.
Any assistance you can rally will help you mentally and physically so you can have the quality time with her you both deserve.
You might consider finding some free counseling thru church, local senior services center, or a senior center or AL where they might have a caregiver support group (most wont snub you because you don't have a loved one as a resident there).
Tell your mom how much you love her and that you don't mean to ever make her feel a burden; be honest, tell her you want her to "have best care possible and sometimes you just feel you aren't giving her all she deserves."
She understands. Please don't beat yourself up or ever have regrets. You sound like a wonderful daughter!!
Come here whenever you need to vent or need support.
One thing is the grieving. Read up on the 5 stages of grief. It's meant for someone who has lost a loved one but what most people don't realize is that we lose our aging loved ones every day, all day and then we get to do it all over again the next day. It seems not to end. I tend to angry at all the grief, day in and day out, I want to run away or just hide. Sometimes I try to make sure I have a project that keeps me nearby if help is needed. But I have come to realize, that there are certain things I cannot control, like when Mom doesn't want to eat, or she won't elevate her legs to reduce swelling, or she hobbles over the refrigerator and stands there for five minutes trying to figure out what is there. She's very frail, very weak. Always worrying that she may fall. But I have to let her make her way on her own. She needs that independence as small as it is. The point is do the best you can, realize you cannot control it all. Lose the guilt.
I think we all feel both feelings, love and sadness for our parent or spouse, and anger and disgust over how constant and unpleasant the job is. If you can feel and show love to your mother several times a day, then you know you are doing a good job.
When you are doing the unpleasant parts, pretend there is an angel sitting on your shoulder telling you that you are doing a good job, and being a good son. Be proud of yourself all the time, and give yourself a pat on the back. When you screw up, or act impatient, remember you're only human, apologize, and start over.
When you feel guilt, ask yourself why. If you have done "wrong," apologize and try to do better. When you feel guilty for not being perfect, that guilt should be tossed in the trash. It doesn't help. It only makes us unhappy and tired. This job will never be easy, but with love and self-love, it can be more rewarding.
Through all that I care about him, & worry about him, and he cares about me as best as he is able. But yes, guilt goes with the territory. As hard as it is, you give yourself permission to be "less than perfect", to make mistakes, and know that you did what you could. You choose to care for yourself at some points, and do things that keep you sane, even if there are things you think you could be doing for your Mother at that moment (you'll help her in the long run).
What is interesting is how much folks with dementia understand when we talk with them. Mine has given me permission to live my own life, has said that I've "done a good job", and a few other things that make me cry when I think about it (all this while at a rather late stage of dementia, BTW). The emotions are the last to go, the judgement the first.
Hang in there Roscoe, it is common. When raising our children we experience progression, it's all regression with our parents, so that in itself is difficult.
Try to keep the feelings to yourself, but do not feel guilty for having them. It's very hard to be a caregiver, and the spur of the moment activities are done for awhile.
Feeling guilty now and then is normal. The important thing is to not let yourself become so overwhelmed by it that it becomes unhealthy. Allow yourself time to sort your feelings out, understand where they're coming from, accept there are some things you just can't change - you're only human....then take a deep breath...and allow yourself forgiveness!
And remember, there are MANY here sharing the "guilt boat" with you. Support is just a "click" away, whenever you need it.
Just trying to hold it all together on some days... I have a feeling that it is normal.