Continuous defensive behavior since dad's passing. Any advice?

Pfamx5 I want to add something else, lest you think our situations are so different because your Mom is 67 and mine is 82: I started caring for my parents when they were both younger than your Mom is now. My mother seemed, physically, capable of working but just didn't. It seemed as if she should be able to be the strong, dependable person I'd grown up with -- but she wasn't. Not anymore. That person never did return, but I spent decades feeling angry with her for choosing not to get the right kind of help, and for failing to prioritize the impact they were having on me as she simply kind of settled in to a kind of hopelessness that none of us were able to make a dent in.

It honestly did not get easier. In fact, as I write this, I realize that her age and my Dad's passing may be a doorway to my being able to let go of some of that resentment. If the person I grew up with had been faced with all this -- I thought -- she would have found the strength to make the right decisions for herself. As it turns out, the person I grew up with had vulnerabilities and mental roadblocks that utterly prevented her from making decisions in the best interest of she and the family she so despairingly loved. That's incredibly sad.

You say your Mom is an amazing woman. I don't doubt that. Mine is too. Our biggest challenge now? It isn't taking care of them, in whatever way we can given our own lives and needs. Our biggest challenge might be coming to terms that people can be both strong and broken in ways we didn't understand, were unable to face, or were too angry to see in the past.

I know we're in different situations, but perhaps we have some similarities. I just wanted you to know that while I don't have solutions for you, I do have a lot of empathy.

Pfamx5 my heart goes out to your family -- all of you, equally. But I'll speak to you, because I recently (Aug 31) lost my Dad. He had been very sick for a very long time and seemed, somehow, indestructible despite that -- I was not prepared for his last few months and actually ended up quitting a career I loved to try to pick up the slack of the practically nonexistent home healthcare available to seniors on social security and medicare only. He died 3 days later.

I've had a super hard time figuring out the right approach to take with my own mother. It's filled me with (pick a moment in time) love, resolve, anger, bitterness, hopelessness and, finally, its own kind of grief.

If my Mom were acting like the Mom I remember from before Dad got sick it would be easy to fall into her arms and grieve for my Dad. If my Mom hadn't been worn down by all the years of his terrible deterioration (not to mention age -- he was 83 and she's 82), I might have had the luxury of grief and might never of quit my job. But just when I lost one parent I find -- to be honest -- that I have to face the fact that the parent I grew up with who is still alive is also gone. In fact, may have been gone for longer than I have been willing to accept. That doesn't mean she is incapable of moving forward or that all hope is lost for a different kind of relationship.

It just means that part of losing my Dad, as it turns out, as been coming to terms with the fact that I've also lost the Mom I wish were still around to comfort me. The Mom I wish had told me I didn't need to quit my job (I did -- she was no longer able to make decisions to care for him). The Mom I wish to God didn't need me the way she does, and constantly apologizes for, now.

If asked, I would have told anybody that I would make a great caregiver, and that I was the white sheep of the family. In the end, I was a terrible caregiver and I've struggled in ways I wish I didn't have to (resentment) and am not happy with (disappointment in myself / recognizing I'm not as strong or as loving as I thought) when the people who raised me needed me most.

I do trust that at some point this will balance out and I will see things with more wisdom and compassion than I manage to do most days, these days. I'm sure you do, too.

I didn't start missing my Dad, really, until Thanksgiving Day -- a day I had kind of devoted to my Mom, who would just as soon I had left her to sleep through the whole thing.

This push pull of our different types of grief and our different futures and our love for our widowed mothers and our missing fathers... just brutal.

I wish you all love and peace in the coming months. I'm sure it will get better for all of us.

This may sound strange. Is her house close to yours? If yes, and if mom is generally healthy and enjoys being with your kids (13, 11) , would it be possible for you to spend time at her house just to get some rest alone?

Could mom help you do something at your house or help the kids?

Pfam, I am so sorry you feel like you are in a no win situation. That is a sucky place to be.

Since she has a problem with being in the house where your dad died, is it possible to get her a real estate agent to sell and relocate? Acknowledge that she can't cope with being in the house he died in. It's okay she can't be there, it's just not okay that she moved in on you without your agreement, that's all on her, please do not beat yourself up for rightfully feeling that that was not okay, it wasn't and it isn't.

I don't think anything drastic should be decided in the 1st year but, she already did that by moving in on you. So forward it is at this point.

My stepdad died in their living room and I think my mom couldn't get past that picture of finding him, she nutted out pretty bad. She didn't do anything for the 1st year, thankfully, then she sold the house and downsized. It has been really good for her. Her new neighborhood has community events, she is around all age groups( she loves children) and she is starting to recover. Phone calls aren't guilt trips, she isn't angry and basking in self pity all the time now. Thank The Lord.

So, if you can hold out to the 6 months she asked for, I know the next 30 days will feel like 30 minutes, underwater but, it takes her argument away, you have given her what she asked and you can move forward without accepting the guilt she has laid on you.

You have done nothing wrong, please do not own her F.O.G., I know it is easier said then done but, YOU CAN DO IT!

Circle the date on the calendar and keep your eye on the end result, not her and her manipulation. She can't help herself but, you can.

Great big warm hug full of strength for you!

Thinking about this as the 67 year old married grandmother that I am, if this happened to me, I would say your children’s needs come first. Your marriage (if you are married) and family are your number one priority. Coming to grips with the loss of her husband and figuring out what’s next are hurdles your mother will need to overcome. You cannot fix this for her. You are the boss of your household and you need to take control of it. She can’t just invite herself over to stay indefinitely. She and only she can figure it out. If she can’t live in her house anymore, then she needs to sell it and find another place to live.

I know you feel terrible for her, but stop with the guilt, it does not fix the situation. She won’t figure it out if you make it easy for her to not to come to terms with her loss. By todays standards she is still a young senior. She still has good years to live a fulfilling life.

Don’t cripple her chance to figure this out by enabling her.

You aren’t a bad daughter. She can’t see it burdens you when she is there so much . Sounds like counseling for her would help- a grief group or therapy for her grief. Grief is normal and also sounds like some great of being alone. Sounds like she avoids feelings. Never be made to feel guilty. That should be addressed in counseling also.
it was a huge blow to her to lose her husband , but I am sure you all have grief so you all can’t be her in her husband’s role.
are there friends of hers that can take her to eat or event .
also volunteering would fill her time. Any grandkids she can go to their school and volunteer read to kids or help a teacher with a school play

Pfam, how are you doing?

She doesn't realize that the changes in dad/husband's passing affect all of you. She needs time to heal, but so does your family. She is creating change that you are not comfortable with - and there is no time limit.

I suggest that you go with her to see a grief counsellor to work towards her becoming comfortable being in her home alone. It might also help for her to join a grief group like GriefShare to help her learn new ways of coping and make some friends.

It might help if you get her to agree to time when she will allow you and your children to be without her in the evenings - even if she is in your home. Negotiate this, probably with help of a counsellor.

Pfamx5: Perhaps your mother needs to visit a grief counselor.

Please seek grief support for yourself and your mother; individually and perhaps together.

She may balk and refuse. So be it. Go yourself.

Grief is fluid and can be complicated by many factors and, also complicate many aspects of ones continued life.

Have her see her PCP , speak frankly about the avoidance situation she exhibits , timelines to work on for appropriate boundary setting etc etc.

If she or you have faith based pastoral/ clergy , please involve them for your much needed support.

Get professional help for both of you to begin the healing process .

By allowing her to control the situation by avoiding her home is only digging the wound deeper.

I am Mom's age. I would be brokenhearted if my DH died. That doesn't mean I would quit living myself. DH wouldn't want that. Help Mom to find her way back to life. She needs to move home. Let her come visit often, but your family needs some privacy. How about weekly dinner at your house? Everyone else has great ideas about contacting her friends, their place of worship, local seniors groups, hobby clubs, finding out about classes at local senior centers, etc.

Remind Mon that you just lost your father and you can't stand to see her curl up and die too. She needs therapy, medication, and above all to keep busy. She has a lot to do besides your family. It won't help her to keep avoiding her own life. If Mom's entire life was taking care of Dad this is much harder for her to grasp. Find her a senior travel group and sign her up for day trips. Build up to longer excursions. She may find that she enjoys life but doesn't know how to do these things for herself.

Hello,
I'm sorry for the loss of your father and this difficult situation. I had a friend in a similar situation and the mother did not want to be in the family house (but didn't want to sell it straight away), so they decided to rent out the family home for a while. This let things settle down before making permanent big decisions like possibly selling the family home. Could you maybe talk to your mother about renting out the family home (which will bring in some income for her), and she can get a smaller rental apartment/house for a few months and that way there is a temporary solution until you can all decide if you want to sell the property? It probably will be a hassle to start with (moving things into storage and re-arranging the family home to let it out), but perhaps worth doing as it gives you and your mother another temporary option, without making big permanent life changing decisions (like selling the house). It will also distract your mother as she can look for an apartment or house to rent for a short while (suggest it being like a vacation for her) and it will keep her mind busy on other things. You could suggest it as just a 'trial' for a while - if your mother lived in a rental property (for say about 6-12 months) and she rents out the family home, then see how it goes?

How can a resentful person be gracious? I firmly believe that resentments are the triggers for cancer, so you need to look for another way to live the rest of your life. Your mom cannot change her thinking, so why even try to convince her to change?

It is time to place her in independent living near you, so that you and the children can visit; if you're truly "too busy," drop the kids off and give them some things to do or discuss with grandma. You will learn many lessons as you age and find that your children are "too busy" for you.

My mother passed away almost 5 years ago. It was a lot for my father because not only did he lose her, he lost other things.

* Caring for her and where she lived gave him meaning.
* He lost his vision, and subsequently, his ability to drive.
* I sold the ranch, which had been in the family close to a 100 years.

I’ve spent the last 5 years dealing with a moping dad who fought everything I tried to do to help him and a stressful job.

I’ve recently been hit with a serious health issue. My job is literally eating me alive, or, I just got really unlucky, but it was the job. We’re forming a union, and when I told a rep about what I went through, he told me to get the F out of my job, even though I’m one of the organizers.

My father, when I told him this, immediately started worrying about his mail. His BLEEPING mail! When I’ve told him what I’m going through in the past he guilts me about leaving the job, leaving him, etc. He’s scared, knows he can’t do it alone, but won’t ever do anything to make it better for me. I know he cares for me and loves me but I can’t anymore. I can’t do the job and him. Something has to change.

Besides a “whine moment” where am I going with this?

Grief and human emotions are hard. Your mother might fix herself on 6 months and a day, or never, we’re all different. Your family also has a right to live their lives. And she needs to move on. 67 is young enough to still be alive. At least I hope so because I can see that day in the not terribly distant future.

Good luck. It’s hard, don’t beat yourself up if you get mad. It’s really hard and frustrating.

Well, the wonderful thing is that she finds comfort living with you. Bless you for your loving heart, and open home. Bless your family as well! Forgive yourself for getting frustrated. This is a huge change for all involved. AND you are grieving! Keep saying you are sorry and try again. Because you argue and say what you think, it tells me you are very close and you love each other. Those are all good things, but having your Mom there 24/7 is a little much. It does not sound like her going home to an empty house is a good thing for her. That is very understandable. Some people WANT to be there and some people simply CANNOT be there. My suggestion is that you start scheduling some breaks. Schedule your Mom to be at your brother's EVERY week 1-2 days per week. Time at senior centers. Time at Adult daycare centers. Maybe add in some grief counseling for your Mom. A group of widows she can vent to. And support for yourself, as well!! Maybe try going WITH her back home. Try a few hours a week or every other week. Help her get used to it in a new way. Help her find confort there, go through things. Go through memories, grieve together. If you want her to stay overnight, stay until you can tuck her in bed. Then be there in the morning or call her with a happy "good morning!" Maybe eventually she will go back. If she she simply can't, you might want to consider this the next phase of life, your Mom living with you. You will have to figure out something for her eventually. You can maybe at some point look into facilities, if long term with you will not work. Adult day cares will help her get used to that environment. Thrust into adjusting is amazingly difficult, and bless you that you made it this far!!!! God bless you in this endeavor. Taking care of my Mom was the hardest and most cherished time of my life.

Hello and I’m sorry for the loss of your father. that is one aspect I was thinking about for you, why it may be hard for you to be loving towards your mother right now. maybe you haven’t fully grieved for your father yourself. That she’s burdening you with her grief and you’re being squeezed out of the picture for your own feelings in this whole situation. It’s just a thought.

I was thinking perhaps that as a family you all go back to the house together with her for an evening for dinner. Another time go back and clean the house together. get her used to going back to her own home.

talk to her. I’m sorry you’re both going through this. You’re being very honest in this heartbreaking situation so you can’t be a terrible person because you’re sharing very loving feelings. Good luck and keep talking to us.

Pfam,

Its been a week, has Mom returned?

Really, you are not wrong. Mom is just afraid but she needs to face it. Six months is fast approaching. She needs to deal with Dads death. My Dad died in my parents home. Mom did not leave her home. Never asked to stay with me. She had friends and her Church. Your Mom is 67, I know a lot of women her age that lost husbands of many years. They get up and brush themselves off and move forward. They have to. Life goes on.

Hello, thank you for posting your problem. Firstly it's good to you posted it for support. I recently posted a problem and I am new to the portal.

I sorry to hear of your father's passing. This just happened Jul 14th this year? this is still very early in my timeframe. I would expect anyone to get over someone passing away so quickly. Plus someone passing effects people in different ways, it takes time. If the relationship are very close. It takes time. Someone close passing away, especially if it's a parent, or husband is right up there as the toughest thing in life.

I'd say you mother moving in with you or you moving in with your mother is a good thing, obviously it was probably more convenient for her to move in with you because of other commitments. I'd grieving is a process, if people have other people to look after and commitments, it can be used as comfort to get on with ordinary thing in life. When you don't have other commitments it's harder and those people need the support of others, like your mother. In most people's life a mother and father are to treasure as we only have one and now that your father has passed on, I would cherish the relationship with your mother even more.

Living with a parent, is not easy sometimes from a nagging point of view (no matter how old you are) and getting space for yourself. It depends what your relationship is like with your mother, if it's more like a friend without the nagging then it should be fine.

I think as the passing of your father is still recent let her stay for but make sure there's a way of both of you getting your own peace and space when you need it. Maybe you can go to her house and spend some weekend's at her house and get space that way or go visit your friends for weekends.

If your mother has not been back even once, to sort through things, check mail, etc that seems a little unusual, but if this is the case I think other answers also said maybe, go back to your mom's house maybe the odd weekend at a time, you, the children and your mom and spend time there together, but then also all of you go back to your house at the end of the weekend, to this over the next 6 months and see how it goes. Maybe your mom will eventually start getting use to things, coming to terms with things more.

A passing cannot be rushed to move onto the next things in life, it is life and it's slow to adjust to things and also the circumstance of how your father passed away also play a big factor.

I would not say you are delusional or bad daughter, I think you haven't had the chance to step back from a traumatic time in your life, these kind of things throw people off course, but they do have to take their course, as this is just July 14th. Maybe your mom thinks a daughter's bond would be closer under the circumstances, than son's.

I also think one other answers mentioned, to work out some kind of plan, which I agree with. Like sharing the responsibilities between you and your brother.

Keep us updated on how thing go. I wish you peace.

I think there are a number of issues ongoing with your mother:

1. she doesn’t like being by herself.
2. She may feel that your father’s presence is everywhere and she may need grief counseling. My mother had grief counseling after he passed to help overcome his loss.
3. Medical issues such as depression which might be addressed by her PCP.
4. Not enough to keep her occupied and needing more interactions with others in pursuit of whatever activity to include age appropriate exercise, hobbies, entertainment and enjoyment of family and friends.

Your mother indicated that she enjoyed the sound of your family around her. That is a normal sound. My family lived with my mother in her home for a set period (set in advance) to the benefit & detriment of both parties). Aggravation is one of the problems. My mother didn’t have a filter on certain topics relating to me, which I found distressing and distasteful. I had to make sure not to let her see how much she hurt my feelings and approach everything with as much energy and enthusiasm and positivity as I could. I didn’t want her to send me into a fit of depression, which would have been easy.

The benefits is mutual for parties, doctor visits, work issues, children issues and a bunch of other things. It is a matter of planning in advance. My husband found it easier to step out of the house on occasion, if things were a little much and to say that her favorite word was: “immediately.”

Your mother may benefit from some classes like watercolor painting or trips to museums or botanical gardens or sightseeing with seniors her age or anything that interests her.

Your home should never have been an option without a plan. But it is not to late to move forward to create one. Plan must include: review/ creation of paperwork (POA) and preparation of suitable living quarters that match your mothers level of independence. The clearing out any clutter, downsizing of home furnishings, and/or sale of the house/property and move to suitable apartment should be a priority.

Do not get blinded by guilt. It makes it impossible to move forward. Your role is to navigate.

She needs immediate grief counseling and a support group . Then suggest a cruise 🚢 and limit when she comes over like the weekend- a puppy 🐶 would do her wonders and provide love ❤️ affection and protection - 67 is very young . She could live another 30 years . Then suggest some hobbies and eventually dating .I would suggest her going to a holistic center like Blue Spirit in 🇨🇷Costa Rica which is a healing place and she can make friends with people her own age or join a travel group like Omega institute - sounds like she needs a new environment to heal for sometime - Travel is very healing snd you meet people .

She's manipulative and selfish. Healing since July? Nah. Having a servant since July. Be firm, be strong, be polite. "Mom, I've had you here for six months. If you're not healed yet, you need to go to a rehab center. My first priority is my husband/wife and children. Not you. I've gone above and beyond, and that happy time is over now. I will visit you twice a week. You can be mad at me, or you can accept this, but my decision is firm."

You are so far from a bad daughter. Shame on her for guilt-tripping you.

I know you are miserable fighting with her as I am with my 92 year old mother who never listens too me. I am 69, started taking care of my mother at my age of 41 when she moved back to AL, across the street in a condo complex. This is what I would do and tell her, period. She moves back to her house or she sells it and moves in your area but not another month in your home. Get her a doctor to help her go through her briefing process. If you have too, take her back to her home and you go back to your house. Oh....you are not a bad daughter nor are you her mother or best friend. Do not take yourself down that road just get her out of your house full time or she will always blame you for anything and everything, mine does and she does not even live in my condo just across the street. My dad died in 1989, my mother was not too bad for 5 years but now she plays every game in the book and is a pro at it so nip that mess in the bud, fast.

is sleeping there the problem? Did he die there and she fears for herself being alone? I agree spend time at her house with her and see if you can figure out the specific fear. Can you hire someone at nights temporarily? Is there room at her house for a young person to live with her. Or she may have to sell and move. Someone mentioned a therapist. You might ask to attend and discuss the problem. You really need to understand the fear to reach a solution. Your intense frustration may be a natural reaction to her intense anxiety. But it complicates the solution. Try a little counseling so you both can brainstorm rather than anxiety stom

How about you and mom (and maybe your whole family?) start going over to mom's house and hanging out there? Bring a meal or get takeout. Do it today! It's Sunday. Bring food and start getting her used to being back in her house. Although it's more work for you (of course!) it could help get her used to going there and getting over her big feelings. They just get bigger if she doesn't confront them and it's not like dad died a week ago. I'm glad she's in therapy.

Maybe spend some time there together EVERY day starting now. Then I would say next weekend, you do a sleepover with her there. Tell her in advance that you are only doing this for ONE night! You don't want to start any bad habits. But it's time to rip off that band-aid and get back to her life. SO you can get on with yours.

Good luck.

You are not a bad daughter.
Sounds like all of you need Transcendental Meditaiton® tm.org to help relieve stress and trauma.

Maybe she needs a NEW place to live if her home is too much of a trigger.
And she needs friends and a social life.
Give her a job at your house. several jobs.
Explain why you need your own space.
family counseling

Does her therapist know she is living with a child. I agree, no one should rush anyone's grief but that does not mean that she lives with you until it subsides.

If Mom is serious about not moving back, then tell her to sell the house. Take the proceeds and buy a smaller one. As said, go into independent living. Get a nice apt. But she can't live with you until she feels her grief has gotten better or your brother. She has to learn to go on without him. Her children cannot be her option.

Maybe Mom leaving is good. This is not the first time you have expressed its time for her to go home. And its not fair to you that she guilts you. She needs to be alone. Staying with you she is not giving herself the ability to grieve completely. She likes the noise if your house because it keeps her from dealing with the grief.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance are 5 signs of grief. She needs to experience them all in her own home.

Like I said in your other post, have her work into it. Do not give in to her. Mom starting tomorrow you are spending the days in your house. No argument. You have to go back to living in your own home. You can't grieve properly in my house with everyone around. You can come back to my house for dinner and sleep over. She has to get back on the horse. She needs to scream, to cry, to hit something when no one is looking. Has she had a good cry? She needs a good cry where she gets hiccups, is exhausted and can't cry anymore. She needs to do this alone. You are disabling her by letting her impose on you.

You are not delusional to think that mom is having an untoward reaction to her spouse dying. You are used to having privacy and living with just your own family. Mom is not seeing that having her there, even if she's not expecting any "care" is a burden on you. Your needs and her needs are not in alignment.

This is not about what she "should" want/need; it's about what YOU need. Mom seems to be in need of distraction and she wants to be away from the "scene of the crime".

You want your house back and the time and space to heal from your dad's death.

I would say the 4 months is a LONG time to be patient. It's time for mom to figure out somewhere else to go to avoid her house. And as I said earlier, this sounds more complicated than grief.

This sounds much more complicated than grief. It sounds like PTSD.

I would encourage mom to seek a consult with a psychiatrist, not a grief therapist, for a fuller assessment of what is going on

If there was ever a time for an intermediary, this is it.

Mom needs grief counseling and therapy, so the therapist can teach her how to either make the decision to go home or sell the house and live elsewhere. YOU are not the one who should be doing this, because you have your own grief to deal with.

You may need to participate as a family in at least some sessions of therapy in the beginning, because the therapist needs to understand that you, too, are grieving and cannot carry your mother's load in addition to yours.

I say you sit Mom down, tell her you're arranging some grief counseling for all (or just both) of you, and you expect her to attend. Otherwise, you cannot allow her to spend all day, every day at your house avoiding reality. Tell her SHE is doing permanent damage to your relationship and family, and if she values those relationships, then she needs to take responsibility for her life.

Edit: Sorry, but I didn't read all the other responses before posting mine. Everything I wrote has already been suggested and it looks like she is in therapy.

I do agree with the post that said you need to talk to the therapist and let her know that while it's "normal" for Mom to do what she's doing, she's doing it without the willing participation of those she's burdening.

Therapy really is just sitting there doing most of the talking. Therapists don't listen to your problems, then just tell you what to do. They lead the conversation so you eventually figure out how to deal with your problems yourself. That's exactly what your mother needs, but she also needs parameters while she figures out how to deal with her issues.