Hello everybody,
I’m seeking a little expert help for what is a relatively complicated situation.
A couple of years ago my 80yo mum was becoming less and less able able to eat solid foods due to her Parkinson’s, lost a lot of weight and ended up in hospital. It was not life-threatening per se but she was there for much longer than we anticipated. Thankfully, she transitioned from being on a drip, to purées then finally eating solid food again, which was simply fantastic to see!
Following the hospital they temporarily moved into a lovely assisted-living a few miles from their own home. Initially, my father, who is a very controlling man and can be very difficult was extremely enthusiastic about going to the home. Even to the point where they were going to release their rented home.
My mum liked it, had a little group of friends and wen on day trips and so on. My dad however, despite being initially so gung ho about it upon spending time there, realised that it was not his cup of tea, and, although my mother benefited greatly from being there, he’s was simply not able to integrate and become difficult.
They have since moved back into their own home, which is far from ideal, given that they are not very mobile. It is three floors, very steep stairs, and although I have put in a stairlift for them, it is still a challenge. I was very forthright that they should not move back into their home and it would be dangerous for them both, especially my mother. However, my father would not hear it. I understand his rationale but believe its dangerous for them physically, they cannot afford the rent and regularly miss medication.
Fast forward two months later, my mother has lost all the weight she put on, and spends most of her days sleeping, completely isolated. Apart from the caregivers, no one visits them. Whenever I try and mention the idea of to the care home, it is shut down immediately and all kinds of excuses start up. He even blames the care home for her decline two months after leaving.
My mum has carers 4 time daily but ultimately it always ends up with my father trying to control them before turning on them and becoming very nasty. Its a vicious circle.
In my mind, there is no question that he suffers from some degree of dementia and I believe that if this path continues, it will be the end of my mum. She doesn’t help matters by going along with it but I am at a complete loss of what to do.
Any advice - however frank would be gratefully received.
Thanks for your time.
It comes down to your Dad is self-centered. His needs before Moms. I have a feeling with his personality, he did not make friends at the AL and maybe jealous of Mom. And her, after living with him for years has found out its not worth fighting him because he knows it all.
What you could do is call the Office of Aging. Have them come and evaluate the situation. Let them explain to Dad that there home is no longer safe. That Mom is not thriving there. I get the impression, which is perfectly OK, that you caring for them is not an option. This Dad needs to be told too. I had a Curmudgeon for a Dad and I told my brothers years ago that I would never bring him in my home to care for him. It was all on them. He passed before Mom so not a decision we had to make.
My father once insisted on taking my mother to Atlantic City right after she had chemo. Before she was sick they would make the 5 hour round trip once a week. He insisted 'she wants to go". No she wants to make him happy so she went and ended up in the hospital. I chewed him a new one that day.
My mom had Parkinson’s disease too. She lived to be 95 years old. She never had a large appetite and was always a small person. Unfortunately, as she aged she became thinner and thinner.
I can’t imagine my mom ever managing stairs. It seems like it would be challenging even with the lift.
It’s sad that your dad didn’t take your mother’s needs seriously. He seems to be more concerned about his comforts.
How do you feel about your mom going into assisted living without your father? Is this possible?
Have you discussed this with your Mom and found out what her wishes are in this matter. To me that is paramount. If she is either too docile to buck your father, or does herself wish to be home, and given the support you have for them, I think I would opt for letting your Dad be in charge.
I would sit with Dad and be honest, and I believe I would see to it I was accompanied by an aware social worker. I would explain all you told us about Mom's thriving in care, but not in HIS care, quite honestly, and I would tell him that if Mom continues to lose weight you would hold him somewhat responsible, given she was thriving in care. Then I believe I would leave the decision to him.
I myself am 80. There comes a point when people may recognize they would be better off in care, but would take the risk of staying in their home and simply choose to/hoping to "go" before they have to be in care. You are not mentioning any severe degree of dementia in your father, and I assume that these caregivers have not either. You may wish to speak with them quite honestly and tell them what you have told us.
I sure wish you the best. Not everything has a "good answer" or "the right answer". Some things we make the best decisions we are able and recognize that the end is near/may come soon in any case. I would not want to see your relationship with your parents become adversarial at this point, for your own sake and for theirs.