My husband and I have lived with and cared for both my dad through lung cancer(who died in 08) and my mom post-stroke for three years. She recently had a fall in May and is having a lot of trouble getting around. She's been in rehab for a couple of months and is being released in a few weeks. They are suggesting assisted living since my husband and I both work outside the home. I only work part time, but there would be many hours during the day where she would be left alone and unsafe. She is refusing to go- saying she wants to come home. Personally, I just can't do the caregiving anymore, and I've talked to the social workers about this. My mother is a very difficult/needy woman and I know exactly what I'm in for if she comes home.They are taking this into consideration with the referral for assisted living and keep telling mom that I just can't do it, but she doesn't see to care how much stress it will add onto me. My brother also wants her home, but he is never around.Advice?
I hope this helps =)
Be wary, the representatives with whom you have first contact are sales people charged with filling rooms and they may tell you that they will take care of all your parent's needs.
I would suggest observing your Mom and writing down all the things that you need to do for her. These are the things she will need at the ALF. Make a list and hand it to the representative. Find out if the services are available and if they come with the basic rent or are extras. And, again, get EVERYTHING in writing. Trust me, you do not want to deal with these things after your Mom moves in.
As for your brother, he needs to understand that an inheritance only occurs after someone has passed. Until then, these are HER assets to be used for HER care. I am sure that he would love for you to continue being the unpaid help. Perhaps it would be a good idea for both you and your brother to sit down with an elder financial planner. Do not sell her home until you have done so. (btw, we have an excellent financial planning expert on this site, named Ralph Robbins. Do a search of his posts.)
Let your brother know that this is not negotiable. You are not able to provide the care she needs, she has to go to the best facility for the care she requires, and he needs to loosen the purse strings. The POA is only in effect if your mother is unable to express her wishes - it does NOT give him carte blanche. If he refuses to cooperate, your mother may have to reassign the POA to you or a third party. It is in her best interests.
good luck...money seems to make a mess of everything!