He suffers from vascular dementia. I have produced our children who swear that I am their mother and his wife to no avail. I have produced our wedding certificate innumerable times; told him things that only he and his wife could know. He either forgets or claims that anyone could re-produce a fake licence. I try saying that I am busy and we will go into that later and he says that I always say that, but that I never bring it up again.
He is heartbroken sometimes that his wife is lost to him. He seems to be able to remember some things that contribute to his theory - and conveniently forget things that I say or show that may be proof of our marriage. He simply cannot be 'tricked' into the delay of facing his belief..
He won't call me a liar, but he does not believe me. I have not been able to pretend that his wife is out there somewhere where he cannot locate her!
Lately he is questioning our legality to our property and wants to go through our legal papers to be sure that no one can 'take it away'. Nevermind that he cannot really understand what he reads, etc.. 'Not sure if he mistrusts me or that 'other someone' who could be claiming to be his wife.
'So confusing to explain and so frustrating to go through this day after day. He only sleeps in the living room in his rocker, also, even though I tuck him in bed every night, he is up in an hour or so looking for his LaZy boy.
I am lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep each night wondering if he is OK or out on the front deck waiting for his real wife to pick him up!
Early on I determined that I would not lie to him - is it worse for him to think that his wife left him or is dead - or worse she cannot locate him - that SHE is lost.
When I explain that I am his wife he says he believes me and that he must be crazy or he would know.. But your Dad is in a worse predicament with his wife substituting her 'boys'. That must be heartbreaking for him. At least your Mom has fantasies. In my case, he just sits and broods, won't watch TV and hates listening to the radio; never did enjoy reading. We used to play bridge and pinochle, but he will have nothing to do with joining in any game with the family. We love to play dominoes, laughing and joking and he just growls and gets angry about all the noise..
He seems to know each of our 4 kids but sometimes cannot remember their names and just feels awful when he has to ask.. We will be visiting our youngest this week-end - wish us luck - 2 hour drive. We take our dog along and our daughter has has adopted 3 puppies. It will be raucous and fun - I hope.........
On the other hand, as on a hard drive, there is still some space to work with. You can't get things "back to normal" but with time and just carrying on regardless you will be the person he expects to see around the place and relies on, and knows from the pictures, and everyone tells him he's married to, and so on. You will become familiar. It will get better. I'm sorry, it's so heartbreaking I know.
My husband passed away almost three weeks ago in a Hospice setting with his family nearby. Toward the end I had asked him if he still believed that I was not his wife - in a joking way - and he said, "No, You all have gotten me convinced", and gave us a big smile, but those months that we tried to convince him still stand out. He always treated me with the greatest respect as a friend, thanking me for mowing the lawn and taking time to play with his dog, etc.. and wondered why I was taking such good care of him. He was a sweet man.
He lingered in Hospice for 8 days and left us with a deep sigh as a farewell. Our children were all gathered around later in the day saying their farewells..
The best to you in your caregiving. It sounds like you have it all together. And may the Lord continue to look down on you two with love - it helps so much!
Hang in there, wamnanealz, we are all pulling for you! And the Lord will help - He truly cares...
Jennifer Ghent-Fuller's article, Caregivers' Newsbasket Blog
"Understanding the Dementia Experience"
tinyurl/pzof7an