What is the best way to convince other siblings to help with caregiving?

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What is the best way to convince other siblings to help with caregiving?

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We are all pretty much in the same boat. I just wonder sometimes what the makeup of a family was growing up that turns siblings against siblings when it comes to caregiving. I thought we were a normal family. Of course, as the oldest I was always responsble for the other two. What did we miss out on along the way to reach this point? Was there some sign that would have warned us as the responsible child growing up, we would some day be so abandoned by those other siblings.

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Pray and stop asking for sibling help they will drain you of needed energy. I am a caregiver of my mother who is paralyzed,has dementia and on dialysis. I am stressed and burned out but my siblings are too busy to help even though I travel and stay with my mom Sunday to Friday and on Friday's I can get no one to commit to keeping her until another sibling get off from work and I can go home. I drive dark country roads crying weekly. My sister's don't hesitate to lie and tell people they are helping but God sees all. I never thought that it would be like this. The main ones who will not help were the favorite ones.

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I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong with my sib relationships and grieving that loss in addition to witnessing my mother's decline, struggling with Medicaid prep, and in the process of forfeiting my investment in time, money, relationships and health. I went out of my way to find ways for the sibs to help that were within their abilities as busy people, with lives of their own, who live in different states. The definition of forfeit is to lose something as a punishment for wrongdoing. I digress... I made it clear that I no longer wished to be hailed as a saint. I'm trying to stop seeking approval from them. The saddest, yet most relieving thing I did was to say no more travel (going ahead anyway with trusted cg). Reading all the posts on this subject is helping me to see that my sib relationships may not have "gone wrong" so much as what I hoped they were was off target. It is what it is.

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One mother can raise 7 children but 7 children can not take care of one mother.

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Thanks for the idea about the diary...I think I will begin one too-great idea! It may not make a difference.but then again...who knows what will finally click with the siblings? I am just grateful that for now my mom is as "healthy" as she is and I can still get out for a couple of hours at a time to take care of things. I know that this won't last and I know that I need to make sure arrangements are made before I really need them...the hard part. My prayers are with you...I hope things get worked out for you in an acceptable manner. I think I know my limitations and will know when it's time for mom to go to the NH or? I know that I'm it for mom...crazy, you have seven children and figure that they will all take care of you in your old age...not today! So sad.

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annieb1158 - you are correct. I remember reading an article in Look Magazine (you know it's been a while :0) when I was a teen - written by Margaret Mead. I remember her saying that she didn't fear growing old - because any old person she knew was vibrant, strong, positive and self sufficient! You didn't GET old in her day unless you were vibrant, strong and positive. She never saw people hanging out of wheelchairs living their final days in nursing homes or hospitals being kept alive by artificial means or just wishing they were dead. (there were not doubt a few who grew older and needed help from family, but not in the numbers we see today)

My mother in law doesn't appreciate that she is alive. She has no interest in anything or anyone except herself. Her conversations revolve around herself. Every conversation is the same. She wonders why no one calls or stops by - but forgets that she DOES have calls and visitors - but, IF SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER them, then it didn't happen. :0)

I am TIRED of the negativity. I am tired of being blamed for things I didn't say or do (if she THINKS I said it or did it - then I did :0(

I AM JUST PLAIN TIRED. I have initiated the research process that we hope will ultimately end up with her receiving VA Aid and Attendance benefits and IF (and you don't have any idea how much I hope this works) she qualifies, SHE WILL BE MOVING INTO AN ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY as soon as the first check arrives.

I will then become 'an attentive visitor' - I like that term. She can then blame the facility for everything - instead of me. Of course, it will be MY fault she is there - but there is guilt no matter what I do. At least I would not have this constant agitation 24/7.

I know this is 'off topic' - but, ultimately, this decision comes about BECAUSE of the lack of support from her other sons or any government agency. Her youngest son has not answered our call and texts sent on Feb. 8th!!! Well, actually he has. By his non response, we know his answer is NO - AGAIN! How convenient of him just to ignore us. WHAT A JERK!

I have a question: Do the siblings who do NOT help with care giving experience guilt or is it just the caregiver? Because I feel that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't and I have decided that since it is six of one and half dozen of the other - and I get all this crap for trying - that it can't be any worse if she lives elsewhere and end up with THAT being my fault too. Even though my husband is her POA and he AND his brothers will hopefully make the final decision. I am SURE they would happily put her in Assisted Living rather than help with her care!!

I just think it is sooooo sad that sooooo many caregivers are left to do it all alone and burn out, while , for the rest of the family - life goes on with no thought or very little thought to mom. After all, she is being cared for - it's not MY problem, right?

Sorry for the rant - and yes, TOMORROW I will probably be fine. I ride a roller coaster just like every other care giver. And it isn't even a free ride!!!

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I am in the same position you are in except with my own mother. Unfortunately, my siblings will say they will help and then until the time comes that I actually need them, they call and yell at me for not being able to do it and of course, always ask, "why can't (my husband) do it? I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks w/diverticulitis and fevers, etc and Mom has an infection in her leg and needs to be transported 2 hrs to the special skin cancer surgeon and it's back to my poor husband. My one brother doesn't have to be at work until 8 p.m. and only works til 10 p.m. and still can't do it w/out attacking me and making my life so miserable for ever asking. It's just not worth the aggravation. Then, he came to see my mother to say, "I'm here if you ever need me." Meanwhile, she heard him screaming at me on the phone Saturday for having to rearrange his schedule to drive her one way to the Dr's as he is going to the same place tomorrow anyhow. It simply appalls and amazes me all at the same time. I can only say God have mercy on them for they know not what they do when they do not honor their own mother, a widow, especially in time of great need. We are all in the same boat and we are all the only ones rowing and it is an uphill creek we row. I feel the hurt for my mother when she hears the grumbles and gripes of asking them to do ONE thing. I have only asked them 3 x in 3 years for a helping hand, but it always ends up in such arguments, that I'm sorry I ever asked. So unfortunate. Now, I will be forced to put her in some type of facility and woe to them. All they want is her money and when it's all gone, they will only have themselves to blame. I have empathy and extend hugs to all.

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My caregiver role has been comparatively short-term (since 11/15, and Mom is on the "short list" for a wonderful, supportive lving facility NEAR MY OTHER SISTER, yippee), and my three sisters have all come up at least twice, although Mom puts on a good show while they are there and they wonder why I am going insane. Plus, they are up on a weekend, so they don't have to deal with missing 8-10 hours a week from a demanding chop taking her to doc appointments etc,

One thing a coworker did when they weren't getting anywhere with family agreeing to visit and provide respite was to write an email, detailing all the chores, , etc, as another poster suggested. Then they suggested that each come up for a 3-day weekend while they were also there and get "trained." Final step was informing them that they were taking a family vacation on such and such a date for 10 days and that was that. One brother did come up with his wife and got over some of his fears about caring for his Mom. Sadly, she died before the vacation, but laying down some steps for family to get used to worked for them. But, it doesn't work for all. In my family, one sister is great about tasks -- clean the closet, call the assisted living facility...but once she goes home she only calls sporadically, and is very curt and unfriendly to my Mom. She says "Mom drives her nuts and I am sick of hearing the same stories over and over..." Seriously? Try hearing them every day at least three times a day. Grow up. Everyone deals with this differently. My therapist suggested that the children who have done the least amount of "work" letting go of childhood/parental issues are the ones that have the hardest time and also who suffer the most after the parent dies. I don't buy that -- I think most who don't help traipse along selfishly and oblivoiusly as they did before.

My vote, if you can't handle it alone anymore, find the best facility your parent and/or you can afford and focus on being an attentive visitor. Parts of this process are gratifying but I think that part is overrated!! Mostly it is exhausting, draining and a never-ending series of errands, phone calls, shopping, cooking, cleaning, dealing with their emotional ups and downs and yours, too.

I don't think this was such a huge issue 25-30 years ago - the triumph of modern medicine has left us, and will leave us with thousands and thousands of elderly people (me, some day) who a couple of generations ago would have just died. Instead, thanks to mountains of drugs and procedures, they are kept alive, but in a diminished state and they do not have the financial means to get adequate long-term care.

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All I can tell you is that if I had it to do all over again, I would never ask my siblings for anything. Asking if they would rotate holidays and come in town if she was hospitalized for more than a week unleashed a fury that has destroyed everything that was once my extended family including my relationship with my 90 year old mother. If you are trying to get siblings to help, really think about what your own personal family dynamics are before you try following the advice of experts. Expert advice is,by its nature, generic. Only you know your family dynamics. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get someone to help you - just don't focus on that help coming from your siblings.

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I gave up my job of 23 years, making $50K a year to help with my mother. I am one of 10 siblings, was tired of someone always asking who is going to help take care of Mom..believe me I want her to have the best life has to offer as she gave up everything for us. I am suddenly the terrible difficult monster sister because I have asked that they not all ascend upon her at one time, no one wants to spend time with her and give me a break. I have now gone through my 401K, working for minimum wage to just survive, have no health or life insurance and yes I made the decision to give up all of these so I now must suffer the consequences...I am terrified of getting sick as the stress is constant and I am afraid my Mother will outlive me and sometimes I wonder when this will all end. I am terrified of coming home from work and finding my Mother has had an accident or is deceased. What happend to the familes of yesterday, we are all so self centered and selfish, and from reading the previous responses I am not alone in this journey... God bless all caregivers, your reward is not here.

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Guess we should all try your suggestions marie......... we all need SOMETHING to look forward to. Yes, I have often told my hubby that one of the worst things is having to 'watch what we will become' if we live long enough - and we see it EVERY SINGLE DAY while the rest of the family 'does their own thing.' This isn't the retirement we thought we would have.

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Perhaps the biggest stigma in being a caregiver is that it forces us to face our own mortality. The rose colored glasses come off and we're faced with the harsh reality of aging. As difficult as it may be, I find solace in my inner child. I hum, I sing, I play games, I openly plot and plan such things as living room picnics (complete with hotdogs and marshmallows), stargazing out of the big picture window ( complete with telescope), tea parties, inhome spa days Whatever it takes to bolster those sagging spirits. I've found that it helps bolster the sagging spirits of ALL involved.

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No easy answers - AMEN.

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I am one of four children and my mother is now completely incapacitated 4-1/2 years ago. My sister became primary caregiver, and I cut back to working 4 days a week and would spend every 3 day weekend caring for my mother (and I am a single mom with two younger children). My other two siblings would not help. Finally one of them started pitching in around 2 years ago. She takes mom one a month for a weekend. No one understands what it takes until you have "walked in those shoes". Some people can't deal with it, and some people are just selfish. I thought we were a close family before this happened, but after the tragedy of my mom, you realize things about others that you never saw before. It is ruining my sisters health and me to a lesser degree. My mom may come live with me because my sister can't do it anymore. I don't know if I can handle it. No one understands when a 160 lb. woman can't walk, has diarrhea all night long, numerous doctor appointments, and has to be helped to do everything. It is tiring, and everyone is depressed. If something that tragic happens to me, I'd rather just die than live that way and put my kids through it. Bottom line is: you can't make people do the right thing. You have to find resources other places if your own family won't help.
It's your parent for goodness sake. But, true love doesn't seem to be as a prevalent as one would like. It's easy to love someone during good times, but true love sticks by someone when times aren't so happy-go-lucky.
Eventually, though, my mom will have to go to a home because physically we won't be able to do it. The home will then put my mother out of her misery because that will kill her. They don't care for people the way they need to be cared for and there is so much disease, germs and bacteria, it will make a person with a weakened immune system in need of hospitilization. We know, because this is where our mom started out and they almost killed her twice -- she ended up in the hospital each time and barely made it. She begged us to take her out of the home. I couldn't blame her. Some staff is nice, but just like every other profession out there--there are those that don't care, are lazy, or just plain mean. Some are great, but if you only get the great nurses 50% of the time, how is that going to make you feel most of the time?
No easy answers.

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Mom (78) is the soul caregiver for my (88) yr. old stepdad who has Alzheimer's. They (parents) live 65 miles away independently from the closest child (youngest sister). There are 7 children (incl. 2 stepbrothers). I left 9 grandchildren of my own back in Florida and moved back to Ohio to assist Mom now, all but one (stepbrother) live within an hour distance from them and only one of them (sister) has visited them 3X's in the year I have been back. I go out to Mom's every Tuesday to run errands, bring in wood for the fireplace, scrub floors, dishes, cook, sort meds., do whatever it takes to bolster waning spirits. My husband is a long distance truck driver, he and I both have major health issues and I will be leaving back out on the road with him in 47 days. None of the siblings care, obviously so I have suggested to Mother that we enlist the help of a,"Family Mediator" in order to resolve the hidden issues that exist among the siblings. I have also suggested that her invitation to all involved be under the heading of "Last Will and Testament"! It kills me that MONEY seems to be the only common denominator when soliciting help from," loved Ones"! It breaks my heart. Mom and Dad have money BUT they're not well off. If I can offer any advice is this.....Don't wait for the day that your parents are no longer mobile or cognitive, intervene and begin to build the necessary ground work for the inevitable. Be kind to yourselves as we proceed down this difficult path. We owe it to not only ourselves but to our beloved parents as well. God Bless!

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I have learned that no matter what you do or say to family, they aren't going to help. My 88 yr old dad came to live with us after he had a stroke. He also has Alzheimer's. My sister lives 1000s of miles away & her "help" is judging & criticizing my life & doesn't like that I have POA. I'm sorry, but they aren't going to change. It's typical for just one person in a family to step up.

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I'm not sure if this will help, but my sister and I actually went to counseling about her not taking care of my Mom, and it all being on me. The counselor pointed out that part of our problem was the language we were using. I was constantly asking my sister for "help", and she was always fighting it. When I asked her to help "me" with Mom, this automatically labeled Mom's caregiving as MY job, that she was graciously going to help me with. The counselor pointed out to her that it was not my job, but OUR job as a team. Us coming together to take care of Mom, not my sister coming to MY aid. In any words you'd like to use, maybe you could point this out to your siblings. "I don't need your help, but our mother/father does." She was more willing to go to Mom's aid, than she was to come to mine. It helped our situation. It's not perfect, but much better.

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"I felt instantly as though I had not even had a break."

You said it right there!

I went on vacation last year and all the people I had lined up to help take care of Mom "poofed" on me! (and her!)

Let's face it, the only real way out of this is death. (theirs or our own - I hate to put it that way, but its the truth!)

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Hi all - I really feel for you. I just realized my brother is a genius. Since dad died 2 years ago he has been to see my mother TWICE! His excuse is he's too busy, lives too far away (about 10 miles). When I bring up needing some help with her, he says, well I would take care of her completely if she would buy the house next door to us and live there. Even my mother says he just wants the house for his daughters when she dies. Of course, my response to him is, if you can't care for her now at all, why would I trust you to care for her when she's completely under your control? Sorry guys, it's just realizing your siblings are semi-monsters is a bit shocking and I felt like ranting. Best wishes to all of you truly good people.

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Well, sounds like you are getting SOME type of cooperation. I guess take it while you can. I do not get any kind of help at all, emotionally or physically from either sibling. I asked and both of them and they said outright "No." One said no because she wants access to their money (they don't have any), and the other is just lazy and it's easier for him to stay away. So unfortunately, my answer to you is you will never get them to help unless THEY want to. When you are ready, I would follow the others advice that you have to put Mom in a home because you can't do it anymore without their help. Period, end of discussion. Take a vote. You vote to have her stay in a facility and see what they say. That way, it's not, your decision, it's everyone's. It will be on their heads, not yours.

Good luck!

xo - Selfish Sibs

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Sorry, I mean Europe in the previous post :0)

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Sadly, her youngest is in the financial position that he could PAY for respite for us several times a year but when he calls his mom he whines about how difficult things are. His difficulties never prevent him from traveling to Hilton Head several times a year or traveling to urope several times - the last time just recently.

He has always told us 'what we want to hear' and then left us high and dry. How he sleeps I will never know. He has probably spent a total of 7 (24 hour) days with his parents in the last 30 years (if you add up all of his visits). I asked them why they spent so little time with his parents (they often spend a week or more at a time with HER parents) and his wife said 'we are COMFORTABLE with the amount of time we spent with his parents.' He says 'I understand' and I will 'do what I can' to help - of course, so far, he just 'can't' seem to do anything at all.

Sadly, I think we are on our own with this. Kinda sorta knew that when I posted the question. Thank you all for your comments though. I think respite is an 'unattainable dream' for most of us.

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oh wow. I can completely relate. My Mom recently decided to go with Hospice. She lives with me, so Im envisioning all the Dr's and nurses in and out of my home. , Im not a fan of hospice at all . And me dealing with all these people myself, oh and I work and am raising 2 teens on my own. Everyone says ' get your sisters to help"... Really ? if they would help then I couldve gone on vacation some time in the last 3 yrs ! if it doesnt have something to do with food or shopping, they dont want to be bothered. Case in point, my sis was supposed to take Mom to lunch today. Sis texts me and says Mom calld , doesnt feel well, has a headache, but her and her son are still going to lunch. I asked if she was going to go check on Mom,,, mabey later after lunch...... good grief !!! Really ? I came to realize when I was married, that you CANNOT make anyone do what the dont want to do.... period,,,, they will either screw it up so bad you dont ask again, or they just wont follow thru

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I have sent emails and my husband has called them. The middle son finally said yes recently - but I spent two months preparing her and HIM for her visit. Making certain that he had all the handicap assistive items she would need (potty extender, commode, bath seat, etc.) I shipped them to him. I made up HER packing list and checked it twice :0) (she thinks she remembered everything) I got all her doctor visits taken care of and all her meds set up. Arranged for someone to come and cut her hair and give her a perm here at home. I was responsible for her while we traveled to/from at the airport - dealing with the wheelchair, potty, etc. By the time we landed I was a nut case. He picked her up at the airport and we went the other direction for 5 days.

Then we met her at the airport and it was a repeat performance coming home except this time we were dealing with diarrhea at the airport :0( I felt instantly as though I had not even had a break. She had a WONDERFUL time and I am glad. I am sure the break was good for her too. My brother in law said mom was 'no problem at all.' My sister in law said 'she is so sweet.' They honestly don't do what I do and they don't see or hear what I see or hear.

Since her return, she has had a bad cold, sinus infection, two trips to the doctor, I have made 5 trips to the pharmacy, she then developed another infection 'down there' due to the antibiotics she took for sinus infection and two days ago she told us she thinks she had a mini stroke. Another call to the doctor and another additional medication. Hubby's brothers never have to deal with anything like this. Just this morning she told me she doesn't understand why I feel stressed out. NO ONE understands except the folks on this forum who deal with the same thing. I thank everyone for their help on this forum.

I plan to start a notebook/diary and list everything I do for mom on a daily basis. (hubby's suggestion). Then he will call them and just start reading my diary to them. It may help. I seriously doubt it - but it may help me. :0)

We have had 'this talk' before and it doesn't get us very far. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

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I think you have really received some wonderful advice, and I understand the predicament you are in because I am there, also. I have finally sat down with each sibling and admitted I needed THEIR particular help. I explained what the doctors had discovered about Mother instead of what I knew. I gave them a typed list of the type of care the doctor's said Mom needed. One sibling was not interested. The others finally had a glimmer of understanding about what I was saying. My next conversation with the two who seemed to care, included some information about my health from my doctor. I explained what I needed in order to take care of Mom and suggested we make it a group effort. It works in that they are willing to help for short periods of time. Even that is wonderful! I think people just assume the caregiver is okay because they are so busy with their own lives. Some people just don't care. However, we are all here for you and hope things start to improve.

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I think Carol's suggestion is terrific, especially that part about laying out all you do, and how it is impacting you. Send them to this site, so they can see the stories of other caregivers. They can learn that caregiving can seriously damage the health of the caregiver.they can hear, from someone other than you that respite is essential. It's so so important to get the break you are craving. And brainstorming for what the path forward is. I am sending you good vibes.

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You are right - this is kind of the norm, unfortunately. Some people finally have to face the siblings and tell them that they cannot continue to be the sole caregiver for the elder, and if the siblings can't work out regular help, Mom (or Dad) will need to go to assisted living or a nursing home.
You have done so much already. I know you want to continue the care. But this responsibility, with no respite and no vacations, could damage your own health. Then, who takes care of Mom - or you?
Try sending an email to all of the siblings, not blaming but laying out the facts. You may want to get the doctor in on this, was well. Write out a list of her needs and the care she gets daily. Let them know that you can't keep it up, so the choice must be made to find other care for her if they can't give you regular breaks. Try to make the tone nice, but firm. Good luck. You aren't alone. That's the best I can give you. You'll likely hear from others on the forum.
Carol

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What is the best way to convince other siblings to help with caregiving?

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