So a couple of weeks ago I shared that we had made progress in the quest to get my FIL moved out of his home and into any form of 24/7 care.
It is amazing what can happen in 2 weeks.
Let's just say that I have always believed in miracles and the past 2 weeks just solidified that belief.
When we left the meeting 2 weeks ago we had no real plan. We were in a holding pattern waiting for things to settle and more information from the SN and the VA to come back.
The following week the VA came back in a big way.
Tomorrow FIL will be moving to a private room at the closest State run Veterans home. While he is not super happy about it, and he has made a few half-hearted attempts at minor interruptions - none of them have been anything to prevent him from going. They have only been things that he has had questions about that he implies are "deal breakers". And he wouldn't be super happy about any move.
Let's be honest, he wasn't super happy at home either. So frankly, he's just swapping being miserable in one place for being miserable in another place, but he'll have 24/7 care. He will also have the potential opportunity to be exposed to so many more people. He thrives around people. Not just any people. This was actually the preferred option because he indicated that if he had to go somewhere he wouldn't mind living with other veterans.
There is a nurse at the rehab where he is that used to work there before she had to move to our city. She has been a god-send, telling him how great it is, building it up. He has seen a virtual tour. The private room was a miracle in and of itself (given his size that was really a requirement) because they almost never have them. He is stuck on a few things that he probably won't be able to take with him. I think he'll be able to adjust.
So, that's where we are. For those of you who have done this: How did this day go? We had to hire a wheelchair transport. It's almost 2-hours from where he is currently in rehab to where he will be living. It's a little over an hour away from us. SIL has already packed everything he will need.
They are taking his mobility scooter up because he is insisting, but we are not yet sure if he will be able to keep it (he is a menace on it and he is a menace to himself getting on and off of it now) because they will need to assess him when he gets there. Not to mention if he keeps it and it has to stay in his room it will take up a big chunk of it. He really wants his computer but he still has a huge desktop so that's a no-go because there is not a desk in the room. A laptop is out of the question because it would just be destroyed- the letters on his keyboard have been warn completely off, he pounds so hard on it. So a laptop would just be ruined in no time if he didn't drop it and break it first.
We have all of the things on the checklist. A few personal items like pictures. What are we missing? What should we be prepared for?
Mentally I am preparing myself for him to have a meltdown when we get there and he realizes it's real and we have been serious about this. Even though HE signed the paperwork and agreed to it all.
He has just been entirely too calm about all of this for me to feel like we have seen the last of the rage and subterfuge.
I'm sure if we are missing anything that we can just run out and get it. And I know the new hard part starts once we get him there. The constant phone calls about how they are treating him, how he wants to come home etc. He still says "we'll see how this goes." every time he talks about it. And he keeps asking if people ever go home from "places like this".
But we are in the countdown now!
Good luck going forward. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road; just remember, if he says to the staff "I'm going home", make sure that they know that there is NO care available at that home, that he will be on his own.
We also made it very clear to them that this is permanent. This is his home now. And that his house is not safe for him any longer. All they had to do is take one look at him to understand why. He couldn't even stand up to go to the bathroom. And we didn't see the transfer from wheelchair to bed when he got there. But sufficed to say he didn't move from the bed at all yesterday. So they are very aware any transfer home is an unsafe discharge.
But it is a good reminder to make sure it is in his chart because not everyone that will deal with him was on site when he arrived.
They got there before we did. When we walked in to his room - he was already in his bed. (We were directed to the business office after getting through all of the pre-checks for visitors). Since he still has capacity and the POA is not invoked we advised the business office that he had to sign paperwork - so we went to his room.
He seemed content. The room is nice- nothing to write home about - but it serves the purpose. It's a private room. While he was signing paperwork they brought lunch in for him - which was nice because he got there after lunch was over. The food actually looked great and there was plenty of it. We asked that they rearrange the room and someone came up and moved the bed and furniture around a bit more to his liking (although we would have happily done that ourselves they requested that they do it).
He was happy because he can basically request ice cream any time he wants it (although they are going to have to put a note in his chart for sugar free if he gets crazy with it because he was over the moon about that LOL).
He, of course, can't get out of bed until PT does their assessment. There are still a few logistics in his room to iron out. We weren't really able to set up his clothes. They still have some COVID protocols in place believe it or not. Not masking or anything like that - but they do take all clothing coming in - put it in bags and leave it out in a separate area for at least 24 hours, then inventory and label all of it before it goes to his room - and then THEY organize it. We had to unpack and debulk because SIL packed so much LOL. Everything else we set up in his room.
They have color-coded uniforms - which I think is awesome. He will never remember what they mean - but it at least lets him know that one person does something different from another.
We were very pleased to see their response times. In the other rehab he could wait a very long time - naturally because they were understaffed and only had one nurse and two CNAs trying to manage two whole floors which is an impossible feat. They seemed to be well staffed and came quickly when the call button was pushed. I had to remind him he only needed to push it once because he just kept pushing it because "I wasn't sure if I pushed it the first time".
He seemed - I won't say content. He expressed the desire to be home of course. But he did not at any point put up a fight. He was almost - I hate to say this - defeated? Like he has finally accepted that this is where he needs to be and he understands? That's hard for me to believe and I keep wondering if he will hit a point where he finally realizes it's permanent. Though he KNOWS, he has said multiple times "I never expected to live the rest of my life in a place like this". So he knows.
They have plenty of activities and strongly encourage their residents to get up and out every day. They pair them up with a buddy. They have music on a grand piano. All kinds of things he loves. So we'll see how this goes. I'd love to see him get involved and not stay in that bed all day. He was not happy they will get him up. And we didn't tell him he has the choice to stay in the bed all day. They will I'm sure. But we didn't want to encourage it.
But overall the move in day went well. Now we see what happens next.
If it goes really bad then you limit contact , including letting the calls go to voicemail . My Mom was AWFUL, well because she was forced into AL . But anyway . When I had to , I stayed away . If she needed something I would bring it to the facility and when I got there I would call them from the parking lot and they sent someone out to my car because my Mom always sat by the front door being nosey to see who came in and out . Or waiting to blast me . So having the staff come out to my car to retrieve items helped. So there is that .
As far as his scooter , let the facility and PT tell him it’s not going to work there . Stay out of that argument with FIL . Whenever possible let the facility tell him NO . “ They make the rules to keep him safe “ is what you tell him when he complains.
The computer is a tough one . My FIL has his laptop and a very old printer sitting on a desk . He lost the charger to the laptop . He stopped asking about it . He just likes it sitting there🙄. He does use his tablet and seems ok with that .
If you limit and keep phone calls short and limit visits especially in the beginning , he will find another veteran to complain to .
As far as the asking if people get out of these places. Just keep saying he needs the care they provide . That’s what I tell my FIL who wants to move from AL to his own apartment .🙄
Im excited for you Blue . It’s been a long time coming !!!
I took her by myself, with no fanfare.
She looked SO GOOD and I was SO TRAUMATIZED having to take her away from the family home (125 years and she’d been born in the back bedroom) that most of the staff assumed that SHE was there to drop ME off.
We had a very VERY BRIEF “honeymoon”. She could meet ALL of her ADL needs, but we all (family AND staff) quickly realized that she needed MUCH MORE supervision and would do ANYTHING to GET OUT, and that she was much more confused than any of us had allowed ourselves to admit.
The Memory Care unit (locked, and one flight up) quickly and obviously became a better fit. More staff, more planned social activity, no risk of elopement.
We were told to keep in close touch with staff but to limit in-person visiting. This sounded awful, but it quickly became obvious that visits were terrible for her and if anything, worse for us.
She entered on May 1, and by her birthday, in mid July, we were able to have a small gathering, about 10, of close family and friends.
She ultimately adjusted well (“my hotel”) but the adjustment was months, not days or weeks.
Those of you who love him will probably feel worse than he does. I know I did. If you KNOW that he’s in the best (safest) environment you can provide, give it time.
I think the first is going to be relief. Honestly I think when we walk out of there after moving him in - we are all going to want to celebrate. And that sounds horrible. But that's the brutally honest truth. And I think for a little while at least - that is how DH and SIL will feel - relieved.
Then I think after that they will both start to feel the rest - to some extent.
Unfortunately the family history it tough. When you have adult children caregiving for their abuser - it changes the dynamic so I honestly don't know what to expect from either my DH or SIL.
I'm worried about the logistics of a laptop. He's - what's a nice way to put this - he's a very big man - but he has really bad tremors - with huge hands. So he's kind of like a bull in a china shop when it comes to sensitive electronic equipment. Anything he touches has to have as much protective gear as possible in order to ensure that it's not broken the first time touches it.
But I do agree that he needs something as a distraction. We just need to figure out what. I'm also trying to figure out if there is a way to hook a Roku up to his tv. He has a couple of streaming services he likes at home. I just don't know what wi-fi options he will have there yet. We may have to see if we can get a personal hotspot if they don't have a good, strong wi-fi.