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My Mother passed away 6 months ago. Mom paid all the bills, cooked, ran the household and drove prior to her death. My 88 year old Father was frail and in the early stages of dementia so asked him if he would come live me and He readily agreed. After a mourning period of about 3 months I started taking Dad to the local Retirement Center to meet some people. Dad met a 71 year old woman and in a short period of time has started a relationship with her. At first I was happy about this but several worrisome issues have cropped up:

He has decided he can drive again and has started driving his old 1992 Cadillac. He drives very slowly and has left the car running and the doors wide open when he comes home. I worry about him hurting himself or others.

He has started spending most of his retirement checks. He has no bills but he draws out about $2,200.00 cash each month and it is disappearing. He told me he was paying for his girlfriends bills, buying her groceries etc. To make matters worse she has a 50 year old brother who has been in Prison twice for armed robbery. Her brother is currently living with her and he uses her car to get around and also borrows money from her. Dad is consumed with anger toward this Brother and tells me that he is going to have to handle the situation somehow. Dad has a permit to carry guns and has two of them in his car. It is a volitile situations.

Another major concern is that Dad seems obsessed with sex. He has started taking Cialis and I am worried about his heart. He also talks about sex in an inappropriate way around me and my husband. Apparently he and his lady friend have been pretty active in this department.

My Dad is former Military and has always been a little rough around the edges, but he was a good Father and Husband to my Mom. I am seeing a totally different side to him and I'm wondering if it could be attributed to his dementia. I'm really worried about him and don't know what to do.

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Sounds similar to my father when he was in his 80's. My dad's personality changed into that of a dirty old man. He started having bad judgement and was taken advantage of (monetarily and through theft) by considerably younger so-called friends. I suspect he had hypocampal-sparing dementia. (Look it up.) If you can get a doctor to access him and write a formal report indicating why your dad shouldn't drive, that would help in getting his driver's license revoked. Then take away his car keys. He will probably spit flames, but it has to be done.
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my dad is 88, and driving. He shouldn't be, and it is very hard to get his license taken from him. I was with him one night, and I was driving, and he said look at that poor woman walking! It was a street sign! He lied to me, and told me he had  an ear and eye check at VA, but I found out he had not. He is on a long distance trip right now, from central louisisanna to destin Fla., then New Orleans, then back here. I think they make it way too hard to take an elderly persons' license away!
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((((((pammaw)))))) sorry the hear that your dad is declining, but glad that the various problems are being addressed and resolved. I understand you being in denial. When the incompetence is "spotty", it can be hard to accept that there are areas of incompetence where the elder needs your intervention/support, and also, I think harder for them to accept help. I am facing that with my mother, and stepping in carefully, to "take over" some areas as there has been some atypical behaviour. It is not an easy time.
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Dad also made the decision on his own that the Cialis wasn't good for him so he stopped taking it. But it is going to mysteriously disappear as well. Thanks again for all the helpful comments. I was in denial that was Dad was no longer mentally competent in some areas and was giving him the benefit of the doubt. But for his own safety I'm developing a backbone!!
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Glad you investigated the lady, see that was not hard and took care of his assets. I would not worry about the son, if he is out of prison he more than likely on parole and does not need or want the aggro, not for this. I hope your dad is up and about and yes, enjoying his love life again. It is important for him to do what he can while he still can.
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Your family has my prayers for a better outcome than can reasonably be expected. You all have done a lot of things right... Hugs.
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Since my first post my Dad's health has really declined. In fact he has an appointment Monday to have Carotid Artery surgery on both arteries as they are 70 and 80 percent blocked. He has started having multiple mini-strokes and the Surgeon said something had to be done or he would have a major stroke. Consequently, he is not driving and probably won't again. His guns are going to mysteriously disappear while he is in the hospital. This may cool my Dad's love life, but I have investigated the lady and she seems ok, but her Brother is a concern.
My Brother has obtained POA and most of Dad's assets are in a Family Trust and not easy to access so I don't worry about the bulk of his estate. I hope and pray my Dad gets better but we will probably be more involved in managing things for him.
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Since my first post my has really declined. In fact he has an appointment Monday to have Carotid Artery surgery on both arteries as they are 70 and 80 percent blocked. He has started having multiple mini-strokes and the Surgeon said something had to be done or he would have a major stroke. Consequently, he is not driving and probably won't again. His guns are going to mysteriously disappear while he is in the hospital. This may cool my Dad's love life, but I have investigated the lady and she seems ok, but her Brother is a concern.
My Brother has obtained POA and most of Dad's assets are in a Family Trust and not easy to access so I don't worry about the bulk of his estate. I hope and pray my Dad gets better but we will probably be more involved in managing things for him.
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CarolLynn: I am in a waiting to see mode, he is stoic as always, he sits silent before he goes to work at 12:18pm like a robot. I avoid him, like I have always, I did get a door with a lock I have a key to on my bedroom door (Yay!).
I don't know what his employer is doing with him other than they took his service revolver, probably just uses it at work now. He has other guns so this is not that much of a change. Other than he is being forced to face what he does to me, and he does not care one bit. So, I am trying to take care of me now, and I am worried as I am running out of funds and he is the only source I have when that occurs, now I am afraid to ask as I always was.
I am just trying to keep things quiet, and avoid any contact with him on any level. The weekends are hard, he is here all day and sits down stairs with headphones on (Thank Gawd) and watches TV (he blasts the TV 100%) it is unbearable, he did that when I first moved in and I showed him he could go completely incognito with headphones on and he goes for it still.

I know he is going to lash out again. He threatened to throw me out for the neighbors reporting him. He nauseates me, always has, weak, useless old bastard. Cheap, mizer, liar, pervert all of the worst traits.
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sj - and I assume your father is furious but what else has happened as a result of your reporting? Are YOU ok?
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When and if you report him for all of your concerns which are valid. Be prepared for the consequence of his anger. I am experiencing this now.
My situation is different but I had to report unsafe, dangerous, violent, inappropriate behavior to my fathers doctor, police, and a neighbor contacted his employer, yes he is 84 loosing his vision, and drives to work on the swing shift for an armed guard service?
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A few things, well first a memory joke:

- "They say the mind is the second thing to go..."
- "Really? What's the first?"
- "l can't remember..."

But, actually "SEX" is about the last thing to go. But that aside, using erectile dysfunction drugs can be very hazardous as the reason for needing them in the first place is generally lack of circulatory function, indicating some heart or vascular insufficienc. Using ED drugs puts a strain on the heart. AND, where is dad getting them? His "girlfriend" or the dastardly brother, HIS doctor, some other doctor, the Internet? How is dad accomplishing this on his own? Do you have HPOA? You could start by talking with his doctor. Get some answers, some medical advice. It can't be good for him even if he enjoys the sex because that's not the point.

YOU I have to believe that it's time for you to start taking action. One of the ways I determine how far I needed to go when dealing with a dementia person is what is THEIR own capacity in dealing with something? ARE THE EFFECTUAL OR NOT? If you take the keys away and the car is still sitting there, YOU will have nothing but grief. If the car (and the guns) are just gone - out of sight, out of mind - what would he be able to do? Would hey call the police in demand something to be done. OR what he sit back and rely on you to do it for him because he really isn't able to manage doing those kinds of things anymore? You have to plan your actions based on his ability to be affected in dealing with his life.

If you remove the car, he can't drive to the girlfriend, he can't drive to the bank, you can't drive to the doctor, he can't drive to the pharmacy, etc. I don't know but maybe that would be the beginning of solving your problems.

You already attended doctors appointment with him, don't you? If not, that should start immediately!

And if you don't have a DPOA and HPOA, get them now while you can but only after the car has disappeared and oh my!? If the people breeding your father dry were not crooks, they would not be accepting that kind of money from him. Keep that in mind. If you discover that they know where you live, have documentation prepared already about what has been happening and do not delay in calling the police.
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If someone wants to prey on the elderly, they can do it anywhere. There are pros and then some who are just tempted by what they can get from a vulnerable old person. My lawyer, who handles these type of cases, said those who take advantage go to churches, elder centers, the grocery store, mall parking lots, work as repair people, work for care agencies, and many more examples. I was stunned. He said it is heartbreaking to tell his clients there is little he can do in some cases to help their elderly parents, many of who are broke, homeless and under the control of the people who took advantage of them. Not only did the oldster get fleeced but their kids did too. Family homesteads, farms, heirlooms and yes money are now in the possession of the person(s) who swooped in, got DPOA, married them or somehow got control.
If daddy wants sex, I say " have at it buddy". But if his girlfriend has ulterior motives, Pammaw has every right to be alarmed especially if she may get stuck supporting her irresponsible father who couldn't keep his wallet closed. It IS his money, but if blowing it means his daughter may eventually have to foot the bill, then Pammaw needs to have a stern talk with daddy to let him know where he is headed. Penniless at 88, even by your own decisions, would be horrible.
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Just to add to my previous post. In the late 50s my future husband owned an old London (UK) taxi which he and fellow medical students used to tour France and had a great time. On his return he parked it in front of his parents nice middle class home. Wouldn't you know it that decrepit vehicle was "stolen" one night and my future FIL just smiled and said the police could not do anything about finding it. Just a suggestion!
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They dont need know where he lives as he goes there.
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I would rather not keep talking about... guess if u let him do this then fine. at least get his keys and he can buy them a car or take a cab.
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He sure isn't frail now..and in the hands of new people taking advantage of his Age&dementia. I would have been all over it by now.
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And get the Keys..they will tire of him not having wheels..and then they will have to pick him up &his money wallet with him..as that's the Whole Reason for this Party dear.
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Well 1tired, her post description says age related decline general, he was frail after the mother died and seems to have gotten a zest for living again. She took him to the retirement center to meet people and that is what he did. If she was a problem person do you think she'd be at the retirement center? I think they know where he lives if this was something they'd be interested in. Because someone is in prison does not mean they are going to rob you today. I am for being careful, she can be careful, she can investigate this woman. If the father is happy then so be it, if he lived on his own he'd do what he wanted to do.
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have u done anything yet?or still reading posts. As if u haven't contacted Authorities of
this Extortion of money for sex etc..and with a Ex-Con receiving probably half of the
proceeds in order for im to do what he wants. Meeting them will not stop this Party.
only enhance it as she knows &the brother knows..2,000 bucks is nice to have without doing anything much for it but laying there or Partying.what a Summer for them!! stop reading Posts and contact the Authorities if you want to stop enabling them.
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Well, Madeaa, he has moderate dementia and is frail and has started giving over $2000 a month to a woman he just met 90 days ago. That does not sound like good decision making to me. Never mind the driving and guns and "having to do something" about the 50 yo brother. God forbid if the woman was invited into the house and the brother had to drive her over! If you wanted to meet her yourself then I would suggest doing that at the senior center or a very public restaurant. Not invite trouble into your own home. The guns need to be out of the picture completely at a minimum as well as the car.
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If he can have sex great and has a girlfriend let him enjoy his life he isn't dead and his money is his money to do with as he pleases, he is not incompetent. Why don't you invite this woman over to meet her in person and see for yourself what is what.
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This Happens IF YOU allow it..since he is in no clear idea what he is doing 'cept having Sex.
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AS i've said before ..stop posting ..and start doing something. If u are just going to get
attention towards yourself..without contacting the Authorities and helping him. I thot
that is what u needed.....-this is a Crime. one w/temptations of sex&false love to gain money for her&her family. this may not be their first rodeo..but IF u all want help..then contacting the Authorities is the way to do it. not being on the Internet waiting for a message to the 45th Answer to this.
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Sorry, terrim, I don't agree. You stated your "father in law is as old as your dad and is now living with a girlfriend. She's well off but he is with her for love." There's the difference. Your FIL's girlfriend is not asking him for money. She's "well off". Pammaw10 has every right to be VERY concerned about the welfare of her father whom she stated is "frail and in the early stages of dementia". Also, the fact that he "drives very slowly and has left the car running and the doors wide open when he comes home" is not safe. The fact that he lives with his daughter but "has no bills but he draws out about $2,200.00 cash each month and it is "disappearing" because he is paying for his girlfriend's bills, buying her groceries etc.", would definitely be cause for alarm! Not to mention the fact that the girlfriend has a 50-year old brother who has been in prison twice for ARMED ROBBERY! Her brother is currently living with her! Which means he has access to Pammaw10's father's car and the guns he keeps in his 1992 Cadillac. Pammaw10 also said the girlfriend's brother borrows money from her. You bet it's a volitile situation!

The first thing I'd do is get the car keys away from him. Sorry. No more driving. Good Lord, he's a danger on the road (drives VERY slowly and leaves the car running and doors wide open) and he's driving around with guns in the car??? Yikes! The girlfriend's brother is a FELON! It sounds to me like the girlfriend's got your father's number (recently widowed, lonely, has money) and is using sex as a way to your father's heart and money. If the girlfriend was on the up and up, she wouldn't be asking for money AT ALL. These people sound really dangerous and like others comments, I'd be calling the police and nipping this "relationship" in the bud. Get the car keys and get rid of the 21-year old car! Terrim, I have no problem with elderly people getting together and enjoying their final years, but this is NOT a "relationship" -- it's extortion.
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There is a story in Tucson today. This site won't let me post a link. A woman accused of stealing $2 to $3 million dollars from an elderly man she met at church has been arrested, police say.
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Sorry, but why shouldn't he have Cialis if he wants? If he dies at 88 with a smile on his face, what's wrong with that?

The rest does sound like a problem, and I would be worried too.

Terrim, I'm with you on this one!
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Well, he is either competent or he is not. If he is, he can give or change POA to girlfriend and you can say good bye to his funds, and it is not even your decision legally about the cars and the guns. If not, and you have POA, they may try to change the POA anyways, and as you can see from another recent thread on here, you will probably need guardianship to safely stay in some control while still allowing him and the girlfirend to enjoy each other. Yes, it is most likely time for someone to step in and take charge as uncomfortable as that role probably feels.
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This sounds more like a case of financial elder abuse. I would take it to social services and have this woman stop seeing him. Also, sell the car.
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You could use the excuse that I did for my father, now 90. He had not driven for 5 years due to health reasons, but I explained to him that it really wasn't safe for him to be driving. I explained that "not because he was a bad driver" BUT that there were changes made in town and that due to the way "others" were driving it wasn't safe for him to be on the road. I would rather he stay safe and not drive then to go out and possible have someone else hit him. As for the guns.........wow not sure why a person would need a gun in their car, at least not now-a-days............too much road rage and what happens if he would be in an accident and someone would steal those guns. Wishing you luck.
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