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Dad (93) entered Hospice care this week since his heart failure is worsening and has recently developed pulmonary fibrosis. He plans to spend the remainder of his time in his home, as mom did before him. My sister and I share most of the work involved to make this happen and have been involved with his care and mom's care for the past few years. My brother remains scarce, although my SIL stays with him during the day since she works remotely and is extra pair of eyes for which we are grateful.



In October of 2020 my dad changed his will to remove my brother and added my niece and nephew (his children) in his place, since over the past twenty years he has given him more than excess of his inheritance. Now dad is feeling guilty over the changes and asked if my sister and I would give my brother a portion of our inheritance as well as my niece and nephew to even the score. Neither my sister nor I received any money from my parents over the years. They were extremely generous to my niece and nephew as well......with my children or my sister's children never a consideration.



At this juncture, I'm at a loss. I told him I did not think this was fair as they have subsidized his life (houses, cars, paid all his expenses when he was fired and didn't work for two years) and that it should be his children to concede, not us. My brother will get a healthy pension in four years plus SS benefits....but no savings. My sister and I are/will be living off our savings for retirement and SS (I'm 72). He said he realized it wasn't fair, but didn't want any remorse over the will. Yet this has hurt us significantly, now, in the present.



I know his health is failing and I don't want a wedge between us, but feelings are bruised and it seems his focus is STILL on my brother and his family even though dad admits he would be lost without us. Everyone will admit my dad is a kind, decent man and would be shocked to know he has shown my brother this excess amount of favoritism. As it stands now, my thoughts are to tell my dad to arrange to see his attorney and do what he feels is best. Whatever he decides will be on him without putting me in the middle to make backroom concessions and let the chips fall where they may.



My question is.....has anyone else been through something similar? Any thoughts on how I get through the hurt (again) moving forward.....especially under such dire circumstances? BTW I am the executor and have DPOA.













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My suggestion would be to encourage your Dad to make a list of all the money he has given to family members over the years – he might even enjoy talking it through, as it will cover a lot of family issues over a long time. Then put it all on a spread sheet, the names at the top of columns showing what they have received, totaled across the bottom, with the names just under the totals, and another column totaling by family. Include yourself and your children, and anyone else relevant.

Say that you think he should do that before he makes decisions. It may well make him think again.

If he still wants to go ahead with changes, I see no reason why you should help make it happen. Don’t organise a lawyer visit to change the will, don’t discuss the steps. It isn’t fair anyway, and he should make the running. "It' up to you, Dad".

You could (?) point out that he won’t be feeling any remorse when the will is implemented, because he will be dead. Or perhaps not!
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AlvaDeer Jan 2023
What a good idea, that list of the monies given!
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Sure, promise him anything, nod nod wink wink, and let that will stand exactly as it is once he’s gone. Your father has behaved disgracefully to you and your sister, and you know it. If you dislike lying, or are not very good at it, just say, “Dad, you know you can trust your daughters to do the right thing.” And you know what the right thing is: let that brother WHISTLE for more money! Sounds as if he’s had plenty, and then some.
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sp19690 Jan 2023
Damn straight. I always love how an adult child tells us how koving and kind and blah blah blah their parent is and then show us in the treatment they are receiving that said parent is the exact opposite. I guess it is denial on the adult child's part.
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All Dad has to do is take grands out of the Will and add the Son. I like what was said, that any money loaned and not repaid will be ducted. I would ask him why he made compensation for sons kids and not urs. But when all is said and done, he needs to make the changes. As said, you giving them money would mean tax problems for you.
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It's not as though your brother's side of the family has been cut out, things have merely been rearranged to reflect the reality that bro has already had his share. He doesn't want remorse and hurt over the will, has anyone pointed out Your hurt - have you had an honest chat with dad about how this leaves you and sis feeling like second class citizens within the family?
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 Jan 2023
His kids are getting and her and sis's children are getting nothing.
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If he wishes to change the will he can contact his attorney and make the changes.
I would not promise dad that you will give any portion of what he is leaving you or your sister to your brother.
Tell the truth I have left nothing to my kids any thing that is left will go to the GRANDKIDS the hope is that the grandkids will be able to use the money for either college or establishing a career or home when I am gone.
A friend of mine who has given money or paid for things like insurance, a car for her grand kids has a statement that the "loans" are repaid from inheritance before any distribution is done.
Just make sure all public debts are paid since that is your "job" if he chooses to change the Will, and he has every right to do so that is what you follow when the time comes.
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I'm with Alva: either get a lawyer in to see dad & write this all up on his behalf, where everything is spelled out in black & white, or, agree to 'give my brother a portion of our inheritance as well as my niece and nephew to even the score'. Don't tell dad how much the portion of the inheritance will be, and once he passes, write out checks for $100 apiece to 'even the score.' Those are the choices as I see it. Just b/c dad feels guilty over a choice he made with regard to his will, why do YOU have to suffer? I personally like choice #2 better myself, where you write out checks for $100 apiece after he passes instead of having a lawyer come in b/c dad could wind up leaving them a HUGE % out of sheer 'guilt' for no good reason.

Sorry you're going through such an unnecessary stress on TOP of hospice and all the rest of this right now. It's sad how money always has to wreak such havoc with families, isn't it?

Best of luck.
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You cannot give money to your brother to right whatever pain your father is suffering without great consequences to yourself in taxes. Gifting sums over 15,000 to any one individual means you pay taxes on monies over that.
I would simply tell my father that if he wishes to call in an attorney you will arrange that, but I would do as YOU HAVE DONE, in making it clear what I think about all this very gently but with great honesty. And I would make it clear that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES would I be sharing any money left to me with the son. I would also tell your father that the children are likely going to make better use of the brother's portion, as allotted to them, and that if THEY wish to give their dad their money they could do so.
After saying my piece I would tell my father exactly what you suggested. "We are willing to call in an attorney to make the changes you wish to make. While we feel these changes are not right, this is your money and you may do as you please with it."
You are also right that you should not be in the middle of this. BUT you have a right to your opinion, and were this MY Dad, his actions and his failing heart would not preclude me from telling him how I feel, gently, and how hurt his decisions makes me. You are also correct that you are POA and if your father wishes to make these changes you are OBLIGATED through fiduciary obligations to get him the attorney to make the changes.
This isn't unusual but it IS sad. But this is the way of things. It is not a good decision on your Dad's part in my own humble opinion but that's the end of it.
Hopefully your Dad has otherwise been a wonderful Dad to you. Weighed then, in the whole end of things, you are lucky to have had him and you will be able to forgive him. This should have no effect ongoing on your relationship with your brother one way or another.
Best out to you and I am sorry.
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Frebrowser Jan 2023
Don’t get too worried about gift and estate taxes.

The gift tax annual exclusion went up to 16,000 for 2022 and is adjusted for inflation as needed, 17,000 for 2023.

Note that exceeding the annual exclusion means that you have to file a gift tax return, but unless you exceed the lifetime amount, which is almost 13,000,000, no tax is due. This amount is scheduled to drop to 5,000,000 in a few years.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/matthewerskine/2022/11/04/irs-announces-estate-and-gift-tax-exemption-amounts-for-2023/amp/

I have often seen bogleheads.org recommended in this forum for financial questions and I agree that it is an excellent resource.
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