Every week she has a panic reason and I must come get her immediately. I do. She KNOWS that she is welcome to come and stay forever.
She's been here for the past week. I do everything for her. She hates me. That's nothing new, she always has. My sister and brother died so I'm all she's got. I see her giving me dirty looks but my husband says I don't see the looks that he does.
Any suggestions to make this stop? I will do anything that she needs, but my family deserves peace. This is nonsense.
Ask Adult Protective Services to evaluate her for Assisted Living and then books yourself a vacation.
You cannot make her happy. But you can keep her safe.
If you think her her problems are serious enough to warrant dropping everything and driving 3 hours now, what happens when they become more frequent? How often will you make that drive? Why would you want her to move in? Especially if you want peace? The crises won’t subside. If she lives with you, the crises may progress to the point where you are not “allowed” to be out of her sight. Are you prepared for that?
What happens if you dodge a crisis call? Does she solve it herself?
Sounds like you’d better help her move into a supported living system, closer to you. But not WITH you.
If you’re doing all of this with the hope that she’ll finally express her love and appreciation for you, trust me, she won’t. It’s a painful truth to face.
itisuptome. Your post said you need it to stop , you need peace . But you will give your mother anything she needs . You answered your own questions .
It has to stop . Get her evaluated so she can get the care she needs . You can’t provide that. And some of what she asks of you are not needs they are wants . And she will never be happy no matter what you do. Get professionals to meet her needs . Her wants will never be met by anyone because they always change as she manipulates.
You said it yourself . It’s nonsense .
Do not assume your mother hates you. People often mistake this when it is not you they hate, but more likely they just hate the predicament they are in.
Ask your mother what she would like to do and how you feel as well. Explain to her what you explained here. You are willing to do anything to help her, but feel she is unhappy and may be even resentful to you.
If she is able to care for herself, it is most likely best to let her go back home. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't visit her. Instead of rushing over every single time, see if just talking on the phone can help.
If she is not able to care for herself, you can help her set up in-home care. If she can not afford it, there are programs to help with that too. We have one called IRIS here.
You have a good heart! I believe you will find the right answer for both you and your mom! Don't give up! I bet deep down your mom loves you far more than you realize.
God Bless you and your family!
I didn't see this as an option anyone threw out there, but if it looks like she really shouldn't be living alone any more (maybe even just due to memories) you may wish to check locally to see if there are any adult family homes near where you live. I live in Washington state, and they are everywhere! They have typically 2 care givers and only 5-6 residents, so she would be able to talk with others, and have more one-on-one care.
Where I live it was a little (not much) less than assisted living, but they (the ones I called, at least) allowed transition to medicare for 100% of their residents so long as they co-pay for 2 years.
If she's in a nearby adult family home you can go visit her on occassion, or even have her over for lunch or dinner on the weekend, and not have to drive to tim-buc-tu to do it. The adult family home I had my dad in accepted normal cognitive functioning adults all the way through dementia...they had different homes to move them to if they needed lockdown due to mid or later stage dementia. (this particular business had 25 homes, so they had a range of facilities to meet all needs).
Maybe this would work better than assisted living, as it may well be closer to you, be a little more informal, and they are in houses, so less institutional feeling.
I agree with the others...she should not come to live with you...it will be way too stressful for everyone.
My mantra was "I'm not giving up my future, for your present". I'm not saying don't help, and don't care, but DO have healthy boundaries, like the others said. Not just you, but your husband and kids deserve that.
Good luck!
Talk with her doctor about whether or not your mom is competent to live at home on her own. She may have reached the point in her life where she needs daily family assistance, assisted living, or skilled nursing care.