My father died 2 months ago. I took care of him every single day for 6 months. My mom is happy he is dead. Already taking cruises and vacations. She went from talking to me every day to maybe once a week. She is different now. When she does call, it’s only for me to do the chores.
I'm so angry with her. Back to back vacations, breaks plans with me to go with my brothers. She was my best friend, but now she doesn’t seem to care at all. I’m hurt. I’m depressed. I feel used. My dad was my hero and it’s been very hard. My mom just wanted him gone.
From what I see, you were raised in a disfunctual family. And in these families the children either walk away when they are able to, or there is one that feels they need to care for a parent, even with the abuse.
I grew up wanting to please my parents. I was the good daughter. My Dad was a Curmudgeon. Loved him but he had this side that he would start out kidding and step over the line and be nasty. If I had been caring for him and he said "are you stupid? You can’t sit down because you’re fat" I would have walked out the door and not return until he apologized and he meant it.
And your Mom lived with this man without a break for years. She now is enjoying freedom, that she probably never had, while she can. Maybe she can't give you what you need because she is not grieving. So she avoids you because you are grieving and she cannot console you. Or, you are now portraying Dad in a better light then he actually was and Mom can't stand to hear it. I have a friend that every Memorial Day says how great Dad was. Really, he beat her Mom.
How did your brothers deal with Dad? I bet once they were able to move out, they did not look back. So Mom now gravitates towards them because they understand what he did to her. You don't seem to. You were looking for love from a man who probably did not know what Loves means. You allowed him to verbably abuse you probably because you were hoping by caring for him he may say "love you".
IMO, Mom is not the problem here, you may be. "My father has never been a happy man. Angry alcoholic, tough to the core, and mean." And for whatever reason, Mom stayed with him. I bet she walked on eggshells all the time, 24/7. I am sure I would not be grieving this man's death if I was married to him. Sighing a breath of relief more like it. Are you grieving the man he was or the man you would have liked him to be...a loving father.
"My father is 80, Vietnam veteran/marines, and is dying from lung cancer. My father has never been a happy man. Angry alcoholic, tough to the core, and mean. Extremely controlling. I’m caring for him now along with my mother. I’ve been there every day... "
While I am sorry for your loss, it seems that your Mom isn't very sorry for it. She finally is free to live a happy life and she is embracing that. I am very happy for her.
You have resented people telling you that it is time to step back. You have said it was a "quip" response. But the truth is that coming to a Forum and asking a question will get you a variety of responses. You are always free to take what helps you and to kick the rest to the curb.
You have told us that this angry alcoholic was your hero.
To be honest I don't understand that. But I don't HAVE to. He wasn't my dad. He had suffered; he was in torment. He was dying after having lived without much happiness or relief.
I can only suggest that you seek some therapy for yourself; you have been a good caregiver for your father; now it is time to seek care for yourself. Move forward understanding your father is finally at peace and you did all you conceivably could have done to help him. You should be very proud of yourself. I mean that.
Your mom doesn't appear to need any help. She stood with you for her husband. She likely did what she saw as her duty and is now happy to be free, no longer having to stand witness to her husband's sad torment. I am happy for her. I hope someday you will be as well.
I wish you nothing but a whole and happy life understanding that your unhappy Dad is now at peace, and that you are deserving of the best in life ongoing.
My mother recently said to me that when my 98yo grandmother passes- she may disappear for a while - just to have time to herself. It won't mean that she doesn't love us or want to be with us. It will just mean that she just needs time for herself - because she literally hasn't had that in years between taking care of my dad and my grandmother.
I took a look at another post you wrote and you may also need to realize that if you felt this way about your dad - your mother - may actually feel some emotions about your father's death that for some people are fairly taboo. You wrote:
"My father has never been a happy man. Angry alcoholic, tough to the core, and mean. Extremely controlling. 2 weeks ago he pushed me to the limit and I lost it. Crying is hated in my family. I’m the emotional one. I WANT to care for my father. I want to be there at the end to comfort him. But he rips into me, saying” are you stupid? You can’t sit down because you’re fat, you haven’t amounted to anything, he looks at me with disgust. He gives these death stares where I’m sure he wants to choke me out. I’m afraid of him. And I love him. If he lashes out at me, I feel worthless as if I shouldn’t be here. It’s worse now because he is rarely lucid. Except when he’s really angry."
According to your post you were there every day since January. You were there every day for 4 months. Your mother lived with a man who was at bare minimum verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive and by your own words - an angry alcoholic for all of the YEARS of their marriage. Your mother to be fair - is probably feeling relieved and free.
You loved your father - in spite of the way he treated you - and I get that. My dh had an abusive father and loved him in spite of it - even though he didn't deserve it. But my personal opinion is that you should give your mother some grace and some space to process everything that has happened.
Yes, you lost your father and that's a terrible thing to go through - I lost my father several years ago and he was not abusive in any way. And I loved him and miss him. But I also know what caregiving for him did to my mom and how much it drained her and that mom felt a sense of relief when he passed because he was suffering. But don't forget for a second that your mother lost her husband - one who treated her the same way he treated you - you lived with it for the last 4 months you know what that treatment does to a person. There is no shame in needing to feel free and having a strong reaction to being released from that kind of relationship.
I'm not judging your mother or your father. I'm simply saying that people grieve in different ways. Perhaps your mother's reaction is strong, perhaps she is going to extremes to prove she is ok, or celebrating that she no longer has to be with a man who was abusive to her when he should have been loving to her, or just the fact that in his death she has what she couldn't bring herself to do on her own - the ability to remove herself from the relationship.
Relationships and families are messy. Grief is messy. Yes, you need your mother - I get that. But your mother also has needs and sometimes as a mother we put our needs first and people think that no matter how old our children get we are supposed to put their needs ahead of our own, but it's ok for her to take this time to process and move forward as well.
Wishing you and your mother peace.
Your mom is not being selfish if she doesn't want to now see him as a dearly departed loving husband and father, he was not a pleasant person and no doubt she bore the brunt of his violence and abuse, let her grieve or get on with life, she's paid enough tears because of him already.
I am sorry for your loss but, please, please remember him honestly and don't turn him in to something he wasn't. She won't want to be around that.
I'm trying to figure out the best way to start this. My neighbors husband 55 and father 97, died 2 weeks apart in November 2023.
She has gone a bit nutts, trips men men and more men. Family is very annoyed with her. But I know what she is doing she is searching for anything that will stop her pain, she is searching for that relief from pain in the bottom of a bottle, searching for relief with her trips, and her men.
She has confided in me, that everything she does is an act. She feels like the best actress in the world. She is starting to settle down and starting maybe to deal with the pain.
We will never know what is going on inside someone's heart. Try not to judge your mom so quickly, I know this must be so painful for you,
Please get grief counseling, because you are not only grieving your dad , you are grieving the mom that you use to have.try not to be angry at your mom, even if you have to back way away from her , because it's hard to watch her.
Things will eventually work then selves out with your mom. Best of luck , and welcome here
I may have missed some things here. Do you live with your mom? If not, why do you need to do her chores? If she can travel, it sounds like she is well enough to do these chores for herself. Don't fall into the good daughter syndrome and do things for people that they can very well take care of themselves. It sounds more like a cultural thing if you are in another country.
Take care of yourself and grieve your father's death.
I'm sorry for the loss of your dear father.
I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is you want. Do you expect your mom to comfort and console you, but she can't because she isn't there?
She's entitled to do whatever she wants to do now. And when she asks you to do chores, you don't have to do them. You worked hard taking care of dad, and you need a breather. Tell her that and tell her to do her own chores.
It's time to step back from the situation and disengage from the dysfunction. Lower your expectations of the grieving widow and put yourself first. Spend time with friends and family, who may be able to give you the support you need.
I wish you well.
I thought your comment was quip and not very helpful.
Daughter and KNance made a wonderful suggestion to seek help from a grief counselor or grief support group.
griefshare.org is a grief support group. They have meetings in many areas.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I just read your profile. One thing puzzles me. You say that the hate coming from your dad is unbearable. Can you explain that comment to me, please.
I understand that you are grieving. If your mom and dad didn’t have a good relationship, then perhaps she did her grieving long before he died.
I know that you are hurt by your mom’s actions. But she had a different relationship with your father than you did.
Maybe, this is what your mom needs right now. People grieve in different ways. You don’t have to like it. You certainly can’t change anything about her behavior though.
If you feel used, when she calls you to do chores, tell her that you don’t want to. She can hire someone to do her chores.
Wishing you peace as you mourn the loss of your father.