Dad is 89 and has mild dementia, very unsteady on his feet and refuses to use his walker. I have been doing shopping, cleaning , doctors appointments etc. I see him twice a week. He is able to make small meals for himself. He refuses to have meals delivered. I set up times for PSW to come in and help with bathing. He canceled him. He now wants the physiotherapist who is coming this week to be cancelled. I have explained that this support is needed if he wants to stay in his home but he continues to refuse. He is on his own most of the time. Do I just continue what I am doing to help him without any outside support? Nothing seems to get through to him.
It’s his life and you can only do so much, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Much like having children, there’s a time you need to let go.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
This has been a roller coaster and a nightmare but things are leveling out. He still owns the house but I have been able to finally do my full duties of guardianship and conservatorship. I have discussed with the attorney selling the house but he is very fragile emotionally because of his dementia and that would make him spiral further so we have decided to leave well enough alone for now, as the attorney has said he will receive notice if I try to list his house.
I started being involved in his care 5-1/2 years ago - at about the point you are. It will be tougher before it gets easier and some days you will hardly think you can get through it. But no, he will probably not listen to you. It took someone from the outside to get my dad to listen and realize he needed to accept care. And yes, he still asks about when he's moving back home (which he's not) and I have explained to him that his level of care is such now that he needs to be watched 24 hours a day (he has many health issues now and is fully confined to a wheelchair).
So far I am very disgusted with the SNF and the assisted living places she's been, and I felt that taking her home.........out of the assisted living place which she didn't like, as I felt she was declining so much, and really needed hospice.
I want to hire additional caregivers, and have consulted several agencies..........I'm concerned who to trust...........maybe the hospice nurse can help me to find reliable extra help.
My mom is 94 years old, has vascular dementia, is incontinent and is bedridden....................the whole thing has been a nightmare..........she had been walking poorly with a cane before April, and refused any other suggestions by me.......ie walker, wheelchair, and said I wasn't being "encouraging". She had many falls, and finally after the last fall in April, developed a UTI.......then just lied in bed, until I demanded she be evaluated in an ER. The hospital diagnosed her with vascular dementia also. It was not what I wanted to transfer her to a SNF, for "rehab"...........but the palliative care nurse refused hospice at that time, as she apologized that my she wasn't able to do a proper evaluation.........my mom did have a terminal diagnosis, which somehow she wasn't able to "see" or know about, and told me that normal again didn't qualify for hospice.
What a nightmare since the end of April. My mom was transferred to a SNF where PT worked with her, with what I thought ridiculous goals.......I couldn't get it because of the pandemic, and they wouldn't listen the family's wishes (mine)..........they worked with her transferring from the bed to a wheelchair.........I listened to a lot of "stuff".........first they said a 2 person transfer, eventually a 1 person transfer, and I knew any goals for her to walk again would be futile. She couldn't even stand up by herself.
After the SNF horror, I transferred her to an assisted living facility with an enhanced license. She didn't like it there, and I saw the labs when she came home.............abnormal and never followed up by the doctor. What a cruel joke.............why even draw this blood work if you're not going to follow up on it and/or tell the family about it. Some of this
"medical" work is ridiculous, and I think only done for profit by some facilities and "doctors" working for them.
I took her out of the place..........she was hospitalized and now is home on hospice.
I feel like I'm going to need extra hired help, and would appreciate it if people can tell me where they looked for reliable extra help..........thanks.
* I believe it is a balance of doing what you can and letting go of what you can't do for the benefit of your dad.
* One change I made [w/my 87 year-old friend (I manage all his care-he has no one else] is making my phone number the main and first contact # for all care.
* It is heartbreaking and realizing he is currently 'in charge' - at least on paper - of his own decisions is a reality that needs to be faced by letting go. If you can take more control through a POA for healthcare (and/or financial), do it.
* Be careful with over-extending yourself and chasing a rat on a maze. Learn to do what you can while accepting he is unable to make the best decisions on his own behalf.
* We all want and 'try' to hold someone together for as long as we can for their best quality of life. I believe it is important to realize 'life through their experience' and not ours - to support / help you adjust your own thinking and behavior. Perhaps the most you can do on some days is bring him a bouquet of flowers to enjoy. Gena
moral of the story—- get a needs assessment and then put together a plan with the help of a elder care lawyer. Make YOUR decision based on what you are able/willing to do. Don’t let anyone (including yourself) get guilt-tripped into this!!
It is not fair to blame people, guilt, etc. for the decisions you make.
He knows what he wants and it seems he's managing.
My Dad didn't get help living in his own home til he was 95.
I would buy microwaveable lien cuisine dinners.
Easy breakfast foods like waffles, jimmy Dean's Breakfast biscuits with egg am, cheese and sausage, pancakes, apple sauce, yogurt, ect
Leave the Walker there, he'll use it when he feels he needs to.
My Dad would set his plate of food in the walker seat snd push it over to his table using the walker.
Every one is forgetful at some point but once he isn't able to do for himself, he'll let help come in.
You may also put a seat in the tub for bathing or install hand safety rails to hold on to when in the shower, that's what we did fir my dad so he would have a couple of strong handles to hold on to while getting in and out if the shower.
Set up cameras in the home so you can keep an eye on him. Have him wear 1st alert in case of a fall.
Wild, have the medical appointments resulted in any useful information about what's going on with him? How long would you say he's been struggling?
Then there's this little bit: "He says I owe him." Mm. That's what he thinks. What do YOU think???
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