Mom has always been a strong personality. She doesn’t think she has dementia. She doesn’t want anyone to help her. She wants to be left alone to live the life she led before. She is very angry at me because I took the car keys. I have a letter from the neurologist stating she should not drive and showed it to her. However, she claims that I told the doctor to write that. Dad said that they had always planned that their home in their 55 and over community is where they will die. I told him, “but you never made a contingency for if someone gets sick. You just thought you would live there in a healthy state and never make alternate plans.” He understands that he can’t care for her there. He says he understands it would be a disaster if they move back, but then he says he just wants her to have a little bit of happiness. There is no way he is capable of arranging all the care they would need to live there. He doesn’t drive. He doesn’t manage her medicines (I do) He regularly sleeps till noon while my mother is awake at 7. He doesn’t understand that while she doesn’t wander now she probably eventually will. I had aides during the week to keep my mom company and redirect her, but she dismissed them after a couple weeks. She’s not going to spend her money on that and she doesn’t need it. Dad never steps in and takes control of the situation and insists on the aides. I try to put things in place to help him deal with her but he doesn’t help the situation. My dad has POA and I am next on the list if he is unable or unwilling to act. My sisters think I should use the POA to get the house sold. How do I do that when my mother will go ballistic and my father doesn’t know how to deal with her but would have to live with her constant anger? He doesn’t really want to sell the house because he just can’t let it go. Has anyone had to do this when both parents are living with only one having dementia and the other, not capable of caring for that person, but not wanting to do anything to upset the person?
Are your Mother and Father currently living in care? We often see circumstances where the male, caring for the wife, passes away and it is then clear in an emergency way that the wife must go into care. At that time you would be able to handle this, but not currently. It sounds as though your Dad already has difficulty in caring for Mom.
This seems a rapidly changing situation in which everyone is in a holding pattern that isn't working. What matters to mom or what her wishes are right now really isn't a relevant measure, as she is unlikely now to "be happy" wherever she is. It is a matter of "what's best " for current living situation, a situation that can and almost certainly will change. I don't know that you can cover each contingency ahead of time. Right now your parents are stable, they refuse to see, and that's where you are from what I can see.
I am really sorry. I hope that your parents live nearby and not WITH you. And I hope when push comes to shove you will do an ALF placement rather than move them in with you. It's a lot to handle, and again, I am so sorry.
Does IL stand for Independent Living. If so, I think an Assisted Living would have suited them better. Dad could have slept and Mom would have staff around to watch her.
I agree you need to read the POA very carefully.
If they are both in AL and will not be returning to their house to live, sell the place. Or at least rent it out. You don't even have to tell them. They're in AL and they don't drive anymore and rely on you and others to take them places. Make sure everyone knows not to take them to the old house or even into the neighborhood.
Your father if his mind is still right, has to be made to understand that even if they mmoved back to their home and had live-in caregivers it would not make your mother happy. She would find something else to be angry and upset about real or imagined.
She has Alzheimer's and it's going to get worse. Your father has a choice though. He does not have to live with her abusive behavior. She can be put in memory care. If you get the POA, you can place her.
There are AL facilities that also have memory care. So one spouse has dementia and the other doesn't, they can live at the same place only in different areas. They can see each other every day and spend all day together if they want to. Your father would be able to get away from her though.
This may be worth considering.
After several visits from the police, including a situation where my aunt fell and lay on the floor for 3 days because uncle wouldn't call anyone, cousins hired round the clock caregivers. Uncle "fired" them regularly but they knew to lay low in an adjoining area until he calmed down.
One cousin eventually moved in to supervise. That ended in his suicide several years later, because he was by then unemployable.
Aunt died of her CHF at 96 and Uncle was immediately moved to Memory Care and later a VA Nursing home.
These folks had plenty of money to fund 24/7 care.
Dad, who is still competent, can make choices to do what he wants, and that he can afford. He cannot dictate that you care for them.