My dad is dying. What do I do?

Eyerishlass - I think your mind will be more at rest if you can just say -my decision is made and I will let it go and stick to my decision-either way. I mean, of course be mend able if things change but if you need to work then go to work and focus on the job and if you want to take time off take time off and focus on you and your Dad's needs. Neither chose is a good chose. They both suck! Sometimes that is the case and trying to figure out how to win in a losing situation is just beating yourself up for nothing. There is some freedom to this thinking. Because you are hurting so bad now trying to be in two places at once and with the knowledge that that is impossible maybe you can get some peace about it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Dad.

@tangleweed - yes, I do realize that. I was just reiterating ("I also hope...") what capnhardass stated in the post just prior to mine: "...hope you take a short fmla..."

Dear Yaya51,

Actually, that was me who discussed FMLA in my lengthy post to Eyerish,not Capnhardass. Just sayin...

It's harsh but I think it's true. Doesn't mean I like it either but I don't work in a mom and pop business. I've only been with this company for a little over 2 months. They don't really owe me anything. They've been compassionate, asked me about my dad, talked to me about our hospice....But yeah, it's business. And in 2 months I'm still trying to prove myself and build a reputation.

I totally get where you're coming from. I've had some amazing jobs with incredible people but it's too early for me to tell yet if this is one of those.

" business is business ? "
i call bs. business used to be about the long haul. getting good employees and keeping them. the current business model is about exploiting, understaffing, and profitteering. sorry for the outburst, its a sore subject with me..

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughtful support. I was looking for and needing support and I got it.

My bills are very simple and thank goodness I don't have much debt. I paid the bills I could according to priority and will hope for the best.

I'm not sure I can take the FMLA. To begin with, I only started working for this agency a little over 2 months ago. I'm a home healthcare nurse. There are no vacation days, no sick time. Our company doesn't offer them. When my dad went into the nursing home I had to go back to work immediately as my entire living situation changed. If I am in the middle of a 12-hour shift and have to leave for some reason (sickness, family emergency....) I have to call my boss and she has to call around and find a replacement. I am not to leave my patient alone under any circumstances. Getting a replacement can take hours. This is why I was hesitant to fulfill my shift obligations this weekend. What if my dad died and I was stuck with a patient for hours and hours? Would I be able to work under those circumstances? And because my boss is aware of the situation with my dad she encouraged me to give up my weekend shifts (I work 3 12-hour shifts each weekend) so she wouldn't get stuck having to find a replacement for me at, say, 7am on a Saturday. My bosses have been decent to me but like I said, I understand that business is business and they're not in the business to care about my family situation. We have patients that need us and when we can't work a shift it not only creates more work for the agency but the patient's routine is thrown off by having someone else work the shift.

Having said all of that, I am seeing the downside of home healthcare and agree with what capnhardass said. I didn't anticipate any of this when I took this job and I'm afraid that until my dad passes away I may not have a choice of whether I work or not. My shifts may be taken away because I cannot guarantee that I will be able to 1.) show up or 2.) stay the whole shift. If my dad passes away I will need to leave work. I think I made a bad decision when I chose my dad over my job. I wasn't thinking clearly and that may cost me (it's certainly costing me money). But my boss may be right if she continues to replace me. I can't promise that my dad won't die on my shift and I think I've given my boss a big enough headache already. And because I've taken this time off and my dad has yet to pass away, when he does die I won't be able to take more than a couple of days off and that will be a shame. I have visions of going to his funeral and doing all of that on a Thurs. and going back to work for my weekend shifts on a Fri.

There's nothing I can do about it now. I chose to be with my dad rather than work my weekend shifts and that was a bad, impulsive decision. I just hope I can fix it with my boss on Monday. I was trying to do the right thing and for years and years I have put my dad first. His needs always came first and it seemed that since he's dying putting him first was a no-brainer but my life has changed since I was his caregiver. I have a job now. A life. Obligations. I guess I was still operating in caregiver mode or something. My brother has sick days and vacation days at his job and he's saving them up but I felt that someone needed to be with dad as much as possible right now. I think guilt played in part in my decision to be with him instead of going to work. I have so much guilt. Guilt for him being in a nursing home and then trying to make up for that guilt by making sure he didn't have to be alone in the state that he's in. Of course I can't ramble on to my boss about my guilt but I can admit it to myself and admit it here. And life does indeed have to go on. That doesn't mean that I'll stop by my father's funeral on a lunch break but this is the real world and things aren't perfect and sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. But dying father or no dying father I have to prioritize and putting food on the table has to come before sitting at my dad's bedside day after day. It sucks. It's not what I'd prefer but it's life.

This is such a lovely website. I had another caregiving website that I used to go to but it was infested with spam and was finally shut down. I've told some folks I knew from there about this site. I think the members here are wonderful and I enjoy the articles and the support that's so freely given. I lurked here for about a month before I got up the courage to participate and I'm so glad to be here. Thank you all so much.

My heart goes out to you! I am so sure your dad knows you love him. my prayers are with you.......may you find peace.

Dear Eyerishlass - I'm fairly new to this forum and I don't believe we've ever communicated, but I read your post and my heart is aching for you. You're in a place right now where many of us here know we're inevitably headed, and though I can only speak for myself it's impossible not to empathize. I just wanted to echo what has already been said with such eloquence...well, except for capnhardass but what he might lack in "eloquence" he makes up for in spades with honest humor and genuine compassion. In pursuant to his last post I also hope you take advantage of FMLA, and with regard to creditors...some (not all maybe, but some) may be willing to work with you if you call and explain your circumstances - at the very least they should waive any late fees. Like cap'n said, in this economy they're more willing to be accommodating.
Best wishes, gentle lass. I am keeping you and your dad in my prayers.

creditors; ( saps )
for 11 years my truck and business liability insurer required full payment for the entire year. the last 2-3 years i could walk in there with a 10 dollar bill and they will take it with a smile. what they want and what they get are far apart in this economy. hope you take a short fmla and spend the time finding better employment eyerish..

Eyerish,
My heart goes out to you. Watching and caring for my beloved father as he was actively dying in the final days of his battle with Lung Cancer exacerbated by Insulin-dependent Diabetes, having to give him the morphine that the Hospice nurse has left for me, dealt such a crushing blow to me in every way imaginable: bio/psych/social. I had to take a FMLA (Family Medical Leave of Absence) in order to care for Dad - in addition to my blind, elderly mother and my only sibling - a mentally handicapped sister. As the only one who could care for all three, it was impossible for me to survive my demanding job as a teacher (in a school for highly "at risk" students, under a principal who was extremely hostile and lacked any compassion). I'm so grateful that I did take the FMLA, despite the financial impact it had for my husband and me. I was able to be with my father. You didn't state what kind of job you have, but in rereading your post, it sounds like you work for a healthcare facility? You should be covered by FMLA for up to 3 months to be with a parent who is critically ill and/or dying. By law, your employers are obliged to hold your position for you. Please investigate this as soon as possible. Your employers certainly are aware of this legal right.
Thanks to the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), you have the option of being that person, and you can spend some significant time with your mother without fear of losing your job while you're away from it.

The Specifics
Signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1993, the FMLA allows eligible American workers to take up to 12 workweeks of unpaid leave during any 12-month period for one or more of the following reasons:

To take care of an immediate family member -- specifically, a parent, spouse or child -- who has a serious health condition.
To take care of yourself if you have a serious health condition of your own.
To take care of your newborn baby in the weeks after the child is born.
To take care of a child you've adopted in the weeks after the child arrives in your midst.

When you take a leave under the FMLA, you can do so knowing that the law requires your employer to assign you to your old job when you return or, at the very least, to an equivalent job with equivalent pay, benefits, and other terms and conditions of employment, according to the US Department of Labor (DOL). Your employer is also required to maintain group health insurance coverage for you, assuming you had such coverage before your leave.

Best wishes to you during this difficult time.

My heart goes out to you Eyerishlass. This is heartbreaking and so difficult to go through. Don't second guess yourself. Everything you have done and all the choices you have made are the right ones. The most important thing, I think is that your Dad has known you have been there right along for him. You've been there when he needed you most.

You are a wonderful, devoted daughter and I realize it will be difficult to lose your father. At least you will always know in your heart you did your very best for him and beyond. Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts and hugs to you across the miles. Take care and blessings to you.

Eyerish, you need to let go, dear one. Dad is somewhere between here and there and you can help him by releasing.
You are such a strong, organized, and loving soul. A very neat person:) xo
If you have the weekend off, take a good nap, then maybe go tonight to sit with him and pray. Start communicating with him on the soul level.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and him. I send you strength and empathy.

i think youd be ineffective and distracted if you were trying to work right now. your mind would be someplace else. if your employer cant accomodate you thru this period of personal trial i hope you move on eventually to an employer with some common decency. 60% or so of the usa are running behind on their bills so the creditors are resigned to taking anything they can get whether they like it or not.
lastly i dont think you should make yourself sick by being at your semi-lucid dads bedside right now. you have been there for him for years, hes going to be kept drugged unconsciounce and i think you should go grieve somewhere in the way thats most comforting to you. if i were him i dont think id want you there suffering. those are my true feelings. ill be on the death bed someday and im 100% sure i dont want ANY relatives standing by grieving me as im leaving this life. everyone may be slightly different but i want to be left alone. very personal time imo..

Oh Eyerishlass, I am so sorry you are feeling this way and coping with so much. No one knows what the right thing is for another, but it sounds like you really needed today to yourself to get things sorted out in your head. Treat yourself kindly and remember that the only sure thing is that life will go on for you. You are a wonderful daughter to be so devoted and I'm guessing your Dad knows that and also wants what is right for you. Wish I had some useful advice but just know that prayers are being sent for you both.