My Dad is 81 years old, very independent, lives on his own and still works for himself doing odd jobs people. He appears lonely but keeps himself busy so as to counteract that, I live an expensive 8 hour flight away so can only visit now and again. I recently visited, he has post it notes on his front door reminding him of what to do, you talk to him about an event that happened in the past few weeks, sometimes he remembers it, other times he has to be reminded. He took me out in his car, he was drifting into other lanes, not looking at roundabouts and driving at speed right at the back of other cars, when I remind him to keep his distance ( I was scared stiff) he gets rude and argumentative and then sulks for the rest of the day. I am new to all this and don't know what to do, he told me he has written a will and that his friend has the details of where it is lodged, he wont tell me or my brother, he refuses to sort out a POA and seems to be in denial. I have no idea what to do as any approach is met with arguments and him putting the phone down. He lives in the UK.
My dad loved helping others, the type who would bring every stray cat home, or maybe they found him. While still able, he would fly back to UK every few years to visit remaining family and always met with lengthy to-do lists. I don’t think he was driving there but knew how to get around on public transport. He loved the beauty of nature and good people, loved animals - especially cats. His family dr was an absolutely beautiful lady so naturally he was quite attracted to her AND she was a very good doctor. Her husband was a neurologist for both me and Dad. Topic of driving came up - his family Dr turned and sat face to face, knee to knee to Dad and had the best conversation about this, ending with “yes I understand your need to continue driving because you have a zest for life, you love to be out walking or playing music, helping those in need, or painting pictures in the park, but just think - with your progressing Parkinson’s, you will have more trouble lifting your foot and hitting brake pedal in a hurry. You could be badly hurt in an accident, but how would you feel if you couldn’t stop the car fast enough and hurt or even killed someone else - could be a child dashing out in road?”
THAT insight got through to Dad - understood, and gave up his license.
Mum, however, was different story. After Dad died, she was fi independent even though physically a mess. She loved being out and about helping others. But her neck was stiff ( she called it fused - don’t know how or when that happened). One day she heads for car, manages to get her walker folded and in back seat, ready to go. Their driveway was steep and a nice hedge along one side. As she backed the car down driveway, she realized she could not turn her head enough to see over hedge and watch for oncoming traffic. I heated having to have ‘that talk’ but Mum made the decision by herself to stop driving. More pressure / load on me but we made it work best we could.
She was mentally sharp even at 94 - only one I know who could phone me her grocery list with every item listed in order according to location in store even though she had not been in a grocery for five years. And that was before the days of websites / apps that organize lists for you.
Best wishes.
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/travel-hobbies/driving/worried-about-someones-driving/#:~:text=If%20you're%20seriously%20concerned,to%20think%20about%20giving%20up.
Driving
"Soon, she started having trouble on the road. It was like she didn’t notice road signs anymore. One time, she slammed on the brakes, thinking there was a ditch in front of her car. On the highway, when a car would pass her in the adjacent lane, she’d brake, thinking it was her car that was moving backward."
Whether the patient should continue to drive or hang up their car keys is a common area of contention during the early stage of dementia progression. Patients often insist on driving well past the time when it is safe for them to do so. According to the National Institute of Health, nearly one fifth of patients with documented dementia continue to drive, and two-thirds of those who continue to drive have impaired driving ability.
Signs of Unsafe Driving
· Forgets addresses, gets lost in familiar places.
· Lacks awareness of time and place.
· Does not pay attention to road signs.
· Does not observe speed limits.
· Drives slowly and makes mistakes.
· Gets brake and gas pedals confused.
· Becomes angry and confused while driving.
· Does not pay attention to street curbs.
· Has frequent car accidents.
How to Ask a Loved One Not to Drive
"She thought she was lucky in finding a parking spot whenever she needed one. When her car got towed, we found out that she had been parking in front of fire hydrants."
Ideally, you want to get the patient to agree to stop driving. This is likely an anxiety-provoking subject for the patient, as it would mean giving up a large measure of their independence. By addressing their anxiety, you’re more likely to get them to cooperate. If unsuccessful, however, you may have to resort to more extreme measures, such as hiding the car keys, disabling the car, or selling it.
Getting Help From Your Doctor
In many states, doctors are required by law to report to the local health department if a patient is diagnosed with dementia, or is impaired in a way that makes them unable to drive safely.
· Ask your doctor to advise the patient not to drive anymore. Patients usually respect their doctor’s advice more than that of their spouse or caregiver. Make sure to get the doctor’s order in writing so you can show it to the patient if they forget.
Getting Help From the DMV
In many states, you can request the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to evaluate the driving skills and safety of a loved one that you deem unsafe. You can request the DMV to not divulge your identity. Based on the results of a road test, restrictions may be placed on the driver, like not being able to drive at night, during rush hours, or on freeways.
· If the patient’s driver’s license is revoked, you can direct the blame at the DMV. This may help to redirect the patient’s anger and get them to cooperate with you.
Notify Your Insurance Company
"I asked my wife to pull over for a minute while I ran to the store to pick up our order. As I was waiting to pay the cashier, I looked over and saw my wife standing next to me. Surprised, I asked if she had found a parking spot. “No,” she said. She seemed so calm, so innocent, that I panicked. I ran outside and found the car double-parked, driver’s door ajar, with the engine still running."
People with dementia are advised to contact their car insurance carriers to ensure that their insurance policies remain in force. Amendments may be required to cover for their illness. Insurance companies may refuse to pay damages if a person with dementia gets into a car accident and the company was not informed of the dementia at the time of diagnosis.
One of her friends continued highway driving when D possessed zero common sense, stating "A stop sign is only a suggestion." I told my mother that she was NEVER to ride with D again!
This is challenging for you as your dad lives in the UK. Speak with his physician if you can.
This is just the beginning, eventually he will need a caregiver that can tend to him,protect him from falling and wandering. Don't pussyfoot around the truth, he's got to realize what's at stake here,his life/someone else's and his home. If you have to send a letter, leave a message, text/email do it and be at peace with yourself. You can't fix what's happening to him and you can't give up your life to try. It's a disease that is progressive, no cure. It's old age and now unfortunately you are the parent and he is the child. Treat him respectfully and with tactful requests. "You really want to have this happen Dad?"
You will need to figure out the process in his community for reporting dangerous drivers. If he's in a small enough community then maybe contacting his local police station to tell them what's going on may be the more practical thing to start with. THen figure out how to work through UK's social services to get him on their radar as a vulnerable elder.
He won't like it, but it is what it is.
Your father will not even share the knowledge of where his important documents are.
So what would you imagine you can do for/about him?
Answer, I think is "nothing whatsoever".
I would be quite clear with your father. I would mail him this:
Dear Dad,
My recent visit with you showed me that you are now so forgetful that you are pasting notes all over your home, and that you can no longer drive safely. You have chosen to share nothing with me. That's your choice and I can do nothing about it. I ask only that you post MY PHONE NUMBER in your home and give it to your trusted friend.
Suky, you will get the "call". It will sound like this: Either..........
"Hi, this is NHS calling from Willow Glen Hospital. We have your father here with us...."
or
"Hello, County Cornoner here for Derbyshire. Your father was found.............blah blah."
The chances are very good that your father has put his will in a lockbox (always a huge mistake) where no Executor can go until the will is found and no will can be found until an executor comes up with a key. Massive mess.
My brother lived on at the other end of our state. He began failing in ways I had no idea of until a visit, and during the visit he managed to hide the most of it. So my call sounded like "This is Desert Regional here in Palm Springs. You are aware we have your brother with us, aren't you...."
After that I had to act, and yes, it was a lot of flights and a huge amount of work, a scramble in which he suddenly made me his POA and Trustee. Took a year to get it together.
At least my own travels were within the same state. And my brother exceptionally cooperative after a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's Dementia.
So trust me. The call will come. Sorry not to have a good answer. Not everything can be fixed. Some things are a mess and get messier.