My mother just had a pacemaker put in and has COPD. Dad only has Medicare a and plus he has VA benefits but limited. Can’t get ahold of anyone at the VA to find out what we can get.
"I keep reminding myself I didn’t do this and I’m doing all I can".
Exactly. No need for guilt here. You have faced the situation with calmness & clarity. Have found a path, from the realistic choices. It appears a good solid path.
It is only natural to feel emotional at this time. It's ok to use it's name - grief.
You are not being selfish to want Dad to have access to 24/7 professional care in a facility designed to meet his needs.
When my step dad was dying there was talk about him being sent home on palliative care. Home to my at the time 84 year old mother in a house with stairs and no main floor bedrooms. It was 2 years later that our local hospice facility opened up. Luckily the doctor kept putting off discharging him.
Step Dad died in the hospital with Mum and me at his side. There was a nurse available to use 24/7. He had pain relief via and IV, and it was a calm peaceful death. His cancer had metastasized and once it was in his bones the pain was intense. Mum was reassured that help was a buzzer away. She also was very relieved that she did not have his dead body in her house. That would have been very difficult for her to handle.
Often grief feels like guilt. It is ok to feel grief.
Sorry that you are going through such a very difficult time. Ask hospice for how to handle this? Can you take any FMLA time to help? Not saying you should but just if you wanted to? Do your parents have any money to hire aides? Are they active in a church or other org that might have volunteers?
Not to be rude, so please excuse the question, but do they have any idea of how long your dad might have?
I hope your mom is feeling a bit better with her pacemaker.
Your not being rude. My dad has many blood clots in his lungs and some in his legs. They can’t treat because he bleeds out if they do. They say he is minutes but minute due to the blood clots. They have some savings but if I wipe it out to care for him then my mom will have none when he goes. Dad is going to respite and next week sometime he will most likely be going to an inpatient hospice in the VA. I feel guilty sending him but can’t provide 24/7 care for him and work. I also start my masters in two weeks. I feel selfish but I keep reminding myself I didn’t do this and I’m doing all I can. If my mom gets better we can both provide care and bring him home. God willing he lives long enough.
Your dad should be eligible for home health aide care from the VA if he meets their qualifications, but the question is, will that be enough? Your mom can also hire aides from a local agency as well, but that can be quite expensive. It may just be time to have dad placed in a nursing facility, where he will receive the 24/7 care he needs, and your mom can just take care of herself. And of course if money is an issue they can apply for Medicaid as well.(that would be for the nursing facility only, as Medicare covers hospice 100%) Best wishes in getting things figured out.
They do not qualify for Medicaid. I was able to get 5 day respite with Medicare but next week I’m stuck again. VA is trying to get him to inpatient if they can. Hope to get it done by Monday when he has to return home. All they would offer in-house was 2 hours a day for weekdays and Medicare offers just cleaning three days a week. My father is at the point where he needs changing almost hourly. It’s crazy.. praying they get this worked out for Monday. In the meantime I feel like the worst daughter ever sending my dad away when he is dying.
"I keep reminding myself I didn’t do this and I’m doing all I can".
Exactly. No need for guilt here. You have faced the situation with calmness & clarity. Have found a path, from the realistic choices. It appears a good solid path.
It is only natural to feel emotional at this time. It's ok to use it's name - grief.
You are not being selfish to want Dad to have access to 24/7 professional care in a facility designed to meet his needs.
When my step dad was dying there was talk about him being sent home on palliative care. Home to my at the time 84 year old mother in a house with stairs and no main floor bedrooms. It was 2 years later that our local hospice facility opened up. Luckily the doctor kept putting off discharging him.
Step Dad died in the hospital with Mum and me at his side. There was a nurse available to use 24/7. He had pain relief via and IV, and it was a calm peaceful death. His cancer had metastasized and once it was in his bones the pain was intense. Mum was reassured that help was a buzzer away. She also was very relieved that she did not have his dead body in her house. That would have been very difficult for her to handle.
Often grief feels like guilt. It is ok to feel grief.
Not to be rude, so please excuse the question, but do they have any idea of how long your dad might have?
I hope your mom is feeling a bit better with her pacemaker.
Good luck trying to figure this all out.
I feel guilty sending him but can’t provide 24/7 care for him and work. I also start my masters in two weeks. I feel selfish but I keep reminding myself I didn’t do this and I’m doing all I can. If my mom gets better we can both provide care and bring him home. God willing he lives long enough.
Ask hospice if there is a way of getting an aide for more hours.
You can take family leave in increments, I think.
Your mom can also hire aides from a local agency as well, but that can be quite expensive.
It may just be time to have dad placed in a nursing facility, where he will receive the 24/7 care he needs, and your mom can just take care of herself.
And of course if money is an issue they can apply for Medicaid as well.(that would be for the nursing facility only, as Medicare covers hospice 100%)
Best wishes in getting things figured out.