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I am two hours away. Mom is wheelchair bound, cannot walk or use left side of her body. Caregiver (privately hired) leaves at 1, comes back at 6. Dad will go out for his appointment or errands for hours. Leaves doors unlocked. Family members have reported on many occasions of finding her alone, sometimes on her side and unable to get up. Dad thinks everything is fine, will not allow a caregiving agency to come in and give her more care.

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If you want to do whats best for her, then you need to problem solve as a family. A lot depends on their financial situation. Contact her health insurance if she has part D or contact her primary doctor if she has traditional A and B. Part D insurance programs have case managers who can help find solutions. There are programs such as the Senior Companion program which is federally funded that will provide a companion to spend 4 hours a week with her. Its not personal care or housekeeping. This would give her a chance to make a friend and provide your dad with respite.
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@vstefans....I think you are missing my point and trust me you don't know enough about my situation to say it's "totally different". Perhaps your reply highlights my point though that many times some people are quick to judge without knowing all the facts.
I simply don't see enough details in the posters question to justify replies the husband is abusive.
Just to clarify what you think you know about my wife. She is a quadriplegic and I use (6) pillows for support when I lay her to bed. She cannot turn herself and we have a PRM to prevent bedsores. I set up a tray so she can reach her pills, drink, phone & TV remote. In the morning I check on her before heading to work which is a few hours before our aide arrives. This is a private pay as the agency rates would cost more than I make. The aide leaves before I come home and I'll check in to see how she's doing. I may do some errands after work because well....who else is gonna do it. Perhaps I am just lucky that nobody became "concerned" she is left alone at times. It's unfortunate to see how some people define "helping". Guess it's better to just assume the husbands abusive and maybe get him arrested and the wife put into a home would be best?
Maybe these "offers for help" that he refuses but you seem aware of are directed instead of asked.
Maybe the family can get deeper involved and take upon them self where the help is needed which involves the (good, bad and ugly).
Maybe this guy is a stubborn man who doesn't want to burden his children.
Or maybe......I just can't see all these hidden answers after reading a few lines in a post.
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The other problem is that he is not accepting offers of help...
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perseverance, your wife can absolutely be independent - if you can't walk but you can think and have gotten good equipment and made adaptations, even living alone entirely would be absolutely fine. In this situation though, there may not be as much capacity - if someone can't turn in bed and can't use or could use but can't reach a phone for help. it may not be OK at all. Totally different situation from yours.
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@remembermeNots....Excellent answer.
I care for my wife who is also paralyzed from mid-chest down. I am trying hard to see anything written in the question that suggest there is abuse and neglect. I really don't understand how so many others are so quick to judge here but perhaps I am missing something. My wife is amazingly independent and desires to do as much as she can. I pay for an aide while I'm at work but there are times when she is left alone. She has a phone and the house has been modified for her. These people are not babies and deserve respect and support to try and live an independent life. The replies here about turning in the father or needing to get 24/7 care (who pays for that again?) is ridiculous.
Perhaps he is doing the best he can and if someone wants to step up and do better or help than get over there. If you think he shouldn't be allowed to run errands than do it for him!
God forbid he has a doctor appt. Who exactly does the shopping & groceries etc etc....
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Your dad is an old man and caring for his wife requires more than he can give. He likely is depressed and that impacts his judgment. Your mom needs someone to help her when your father goes out. Recognize also that your father's needs include doing something other than caregiving and getting out of the house. But how is it that your mother is tipping herself over?
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Dinah5 having read Your posts I felt sad for Your Mom, and You also. No I definitely would not consider Your Dad's behaviour towards Your Mom Elder abuse even though He's making the situation impossible, I think Your Dad is in denial. Under no circumstances can Your Mom be left alone for any period of time. You have two options to help Mom, either bring in Carers full time, or have Your Mom put into a Nursing Home...and She is not going to like that idea, hence I would opt for bringing in Carers 24/7.
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You know you need to be in your Dad's shoes before you or anyone else on this forum makes a judgement against him. I am in a similar situation as my husband had a stroke in 2013 rendering him right side paralyzed and then another in 2016 making him worse physically and mentally. All he wants to do is sleep. He has a Foley bag for urination so he doesn't need to wheel around to the bathroom much anymore. He never talks to me and just lays on the couch to watch TV. I do everything: cook, clean, do finances, arrange for the outside care of the house, take him to the doctors, pick up his meds, distribute his 12 meds to him throughout the day, help him shower, pick him off the shower bench to help him transfer ( he can transfer from the wheelchair to couch, bed and toilet by himself, etc, etc). This has been my life for almost four years with no family help except for help once in a blue moon from a son who has overwhelming family issues as well. We don't qualify for financial help even thou we lost 60% of our income when my husband lost his two jobs. So if we 'desire' to eat or he needs meds, I have to leave him for 30-40 minutes to pick these up. A sole caregiver is a very hard job and there is very little time or sympathy for us. We cancel our own doctors appointments to care for our loved ones and sometimes go 'stir crazy' from staying inside all day, every day for months and years. We do this for our loved ones. We cannot afford $10,000 a month in a nursing home, nor does he want to go into one at age 63. We have no assists but our home and a thirteen year old car. So there are not people willing to help some of us when the chips are down. So don't judge your Dad, please. He is doing the best he can do, and so am I. I make sure my husband is safe if I have to run out, but am home with him giving him my heart and soul ( and health too) every day. You know that caregivers of a chronically ill spouse die before the spouse ( usually from autoimmune diseases caused by stress) - no one seems to make sure they are being taken care of.
If you are that concerned, then maybe you can arrange to take care of your Mom while he is out doing the necessities of life. I'm sure he would be most grateful- I know I would.
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What I am seeing in this is a lot of "denial." Elders often want to believe that they are still young and capable - even though the reality is not there. I can still remember my 70-year-old father saying to me, "I don't understand it...when I was a young man, I could walk up and down the hills, hunting, and was barely tired at the end of the day." My comment was, "yes, dad, the operative words are 'young man'. You are no longer young." Maybe your father wants to "believe" that everything is, indeed, "fine" and his wife is not nearly as impaired as she really is. It may not be elder abuse as much as it is denial of their own aging.
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You say that there is a privately hired caregiver. Dad will allow that person in-- can you find another who can be there for the hours that mom is currently Alone?

I agree with CM, you need to find out what dad is thinking will happen if a needs assessment is done.

My uncle resisted inhome help for my aunt for years, fearing she'd be " taken away from him". It took a horrendous fall, her with a broken hip, being dragged around on a throw rug by my demented uncle for three days before a family member stopped by and horrified, called 911. Uncle tried to prevent EMS from taking her to the hospital.

I hope that you can come up with some sort of plan, and soon. Yes, there ARE things worse than just lying on the floor for a few hours.
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Is your father resisting help because he is afraid that the "help" will merge into a complete takeover of their lives, do you think? Some professionals are better than others at reassuring service users that help means help, just that, and not unwarranted interference of the sort that many elders do dread. Talk to a few of them, and see if you can find one whom your father might find persuasive and reassuring, perhaps.
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My mother had one. She fell and lay and waited for hours until my brother came home and found her on the floor. When I asked why she didn't use the mediAlert she said she knew the ambulance would take her to the closest ER which she knew was worse than lying on the floor waiting for my brother. She was right. In mid to late 90's everyone knows that if they take you to the ER no one will say they made a mistake EXCEPT for the patient themself and anyone who had ever had proper medical care as opposed to the local ER. There are worse things than lying on the floor. Having said that it still seems wrong for it to be a regular occurrence. It happened to my mom once and she wasn't hurt. Just couldn't get up. But you can have it set up that the responders would call your dad first and then another family member before taking her in to an ER. IF they will cooperate. You have to pace yourself and you have to watch out for both of them. It's a fine balance that never stops moving.
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My acid test for situations like this is always "what happens if there is a fire and no one else is there?". Can she get out herself? It sounds as though the answer is no. So, she's not safe. You need to get her out of there, for your piece of mind and her safety.
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Unless she can call for help in an emergency, can get herself food and drink when she is hungry and thirsty, and can work a remote or do something to occupy her time while she is in bed, trust your gut feeling that this is not OK. Now just using a wheelchair does not mean you can't be home alone, it is really more the judgement and problem solving that matters, but if she can't turn herself in bed it is beyond unhealthy and unsafe. Mom is not going to complain any louder than she already has - she has already told you she wants help and frankly her request has been stomped on. Did she ever have rehabilitation for her stroke? Talk to a social worker, talk to someone at your Area Agency on Aging, realize that you are going to need to take over in some capacity. You might have to go as far as picking her up and getting her admitted somewhere either for rehab or for long-term care.
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Mabe your dad is to tired and elderly for a job like caregiver. It's a very hard job for younger adult children. Many are going to support groups.
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Dinah, it really sounds like mom's care is beyond dad's capacity.

You might consider nursing home or Assisted Living care for her at this point. Much depends upon local regulation and what level of care the ALs near you provide. Find a good one nearby where dad can visit often.
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Exactly what I was going to say Veronica. There are many styles of medical alert buttons for every budget.
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It may not actually be abuse but it is certainly neglect. At least if she can't use the phone she should have an emergency alert button so she can summon help if needed.
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My mother would say "it's ok". She suffered a stroke 3 years ago and it's been an uphill battle to get her the care "I" think she needs and the pt on a regular basis. I have asked her if she wants certain things to happen and she will say yes and I will make the calls. I called to get an agency in for better, reliable care. They were coming to do an assessment. Dad called and said no way do they want an agency. I have no peace of mind. He refuses to move closer to us and he refuses professional care. My mother is not thriving. My father is either in denial or senile or both. I am looking at my options as it is all about mom.
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You have to protect your mother! What does she say about her situation? Can she speak? It may or may not be considered abuse but how would he like it if he had to lay on his side for hours while waiting for her to wonder by? Tell him you find it unacceptable. Will those family members sit with her while he does his errands? I know it's not easy. My husband turned his dad in for elder abuse because he disagreed with his mothers lack of care. A social worker visited but that was about it. They both had dementia. FIL enjoyed the visit. It's a difficult situation.
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So...

You want it established and agreed that your mother cannot be left alone in the house?

Who are the "family members" and how many of them are there? Enough to establish an afternoon rota? Enough to gang up on your father and refuse to take his no for an answer?

Also, importantly, what does your mother think of the situation? If she wants caregivers there, then it's really simple - you hire caregivers for her, on her say-so. If not, or if she's unable to express a view, then perhaps you need to ask Dad to explain how he reconciles her being found tipped onto her side with "everything" being "fine."

But in any case, I'm not sure how levelling allegations of elder abuse at him is going to help.
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