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He isn’t “refusing to believe”.

HIS “TRUTH” is what is caused by his progressively damaged brain, not the “facts” There are NO LIES in dementia care, by either the dementia victim, or by the caregiver.

The victim is FIRMLY ENTRENCHED in his own continuing flawed belief system, and you are out of kindness providing comfort and peace for him, whether factual or not.

You need NOT enter his detailed (dementia based) conversation. If he fails to stop, use earphones, distance, activities, whatever.

He no longer understands any of what he is saying.

If he lives with you (hopefully not) “Oops, Sorry Dad I just heard the washing machine e go off. Gotta put the wash in the dryer.” “Making a grocery shopping list, Dad. Be with you in a minute.

If he doesn’t live with you, “Oops I forgot I had to (mow the lawn, pick up the canary from the groomer’s, make the meatloaf, etc.)” give a quick hug, say I love you, AND LEAVE.

You are not obliged in any way to suffer this. DO NOT SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THIS.

If you have not spoken to a counselor about your family history it might be very helpful for you to do so. Be sure to choose someone gentle and compassionate. With targeted counseling you may be able to become more objective about that cause(s) for his outbursts and lack of logical, rational thinking.

Please take good care of yourself. The damage of dementia makes victims of both the victims themselves and their caregivers too.
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ShadowPDW Sep 2022
This is a very helpful response. Thanks
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I was going to ask the question about medications too - from what you posted that was the only possible option I was thinking might work - to keep him calm. I like Geaton's idea of redirecting the question back to him and see where that gets you potentially as well.

You don't mention in your post and I'm not familiar with your back story - are you caring for your father at home? Or is he in memory care? You mention that he requires you to help him search for her if you can't produce something distracting enough for him, so I'm suspecting he's not in memory care, so I'm wondering if his dementia has potentially progressed to the point where memory care might be something to consider now as well?

When these situations occur, and he gets upset that you can't find her - you mention that he calls you a liar - do things escalate - I guess what I'm asking is does he get violent or anything along those lines that would make YOU fearful of him during these episodes?

Are you noticing these times that he is asking for her increase? Or other behaviors like this increase?

I would certainly pass this information on to his doctor and see what they can do to help. As Geaton mentioned there are medications that can help.
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Does this happen during the afternoons, as in he is sundowning? If so, you may need to start some activity to engage his mind preemptively and do all other things that help deal with sundowning.

Is he currently on any meds for anxiety? If not, please consult with his doctor for info and options.

You've tried telling the truth but this doesn't work for people with dementia since they no longer have reason and logic as tools.
You've tried "therapeutic fibs" and distraction but he is too paranoid.
None of it has worked.

Have you tried shrugging your shoulders and saying, "I don't know" and then asking him where *he* thinks she is? See where that goes. I don't have any other suggestions except to walk out of the room or house and then wait for him to get out of the loop.

I'm so sorry you are gong through this. Dementia is so hard.
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