Hi
My dad recently got an abdominoperineal resection. He has a very rare cancer called mucosal melanoma in the anus. When first diagnosed, he was in denial about getting the surgery, since there were no other options of treatment he decided to go for it.
He had a lot of complications in surgery and lead to be hospitalized for over two months. I was not able to be with him since he had to fly to Brazil to get the surgery done, my mom was with him throughout the healing process.
He finally got home today and seemed very spacey, not being able to focus, unmotivated, snappy, and sometimes not making sense. He has always been a rude/ kind of angry person. He is also overweight which makes him deal with the stoma bag even harder. My mom has been his main caregiver and has assumed the role to change his bag every time, he is in denial to learn how to do it by himself.
I understand all the pain he is going through and that this is a very big change to adjust to. I asked if he could try to learn on how to change his bag and he snapped telling me to not get involved. I feel bad for my mom since she has gotten almost all the weight over her shoulder and I don't want her life to become that. I don't know how to deal with this situation. My dad is very "my way or the highway" and has a difficult time when being contradicted and therefore and comes off as rude.
I don't know if to back off and try to not make him upset or try to say something about how he is coping with this new reality. It's really hard, and I do sympathize with him but at the same time feel really bad for my mom having to change the stoma bag for him every single time. I don't think he realizes all the sacrifices she is making to be his caregiver.
Some people resist learning at first, but do adapt & came around. Maybe there is anger about having it? About loss of health/control. Counseling could help? Or if under-confident with the practical skills, training by a nurse to show over & over what to do could help.
But some people will be truly unable to manage it. If so, a caregiver who lives with him takes this on (as your Mom has done). If he lived alone he would have much bigger problems, as visiting aides or yourself may not be enough or 'on call'. The bag can burst or overfill at times.
If he is able to look on the bright side... he has a wife willing to become his caregiver which enables him to remain in his home.
Serious illness takes adjustment. For all of you.
If your dad is "spacey," then I assure you he is not going to be capable of taking care of himself for a while, if ever. It always surprises me how people think elderly folks should just spring back from major surgery or hospital stays. It simply doesn't happen, and much of the time they never come back to the state they were in before. Each hospital stay or major health crisis will result in a new reality you'll have to get used to. It isn't pretty, but that's how aging work.
What an awful mess could be made.
Have you talked with her? Because I have seen many times people trying to intervene when they don't really understand the entire picture. Your mom may have decided that she is more willing to change the bag then clean the mess.
I would willingly deal with this for my husband. I did after all promise and vow through sickness and health, for better or worse.
Find out what your mom needs help with right now and let your dad recuperate, he had a traumatic surgery and a huge life changer, cut him some slack.