Frustrated and sad! I am my dad's main caretaker, though I live in a different state. Over the last year, which was also the first year of my marriage, I've spent almost half my time away from my husband and career to get my dad's life in order and make sure he has care and that his needs are being met. It drains everything from me but I do it for love and care of him.
I took him for memory tests in January and he was diagnosed with early/mid Alzheimers. If you have been following my posts (if not, you can take a peek) I've had serious issues battling his 3 other adult children who came out of the woodworks after my stepmother passed and they caught wind of a small life insurance policy. Now, after being largely absent for decades (my father and their mother separated in the 60s when they were kids), they flatter and dote on him as in King Lear. He loves the attention. I am the one who actually does all the work and turns my life around for his care.
After spending two exhausting weeks this month with him, dealing with everything from flooding toilets to health care to soliciting and interviewing new housemates, etc. I left for a short and much needed self-care trip with a friend. A couple days later he emailed one of the other daughters saying something like "I've somehow alienated xxxx [me], and I won't be surprised if I don't hear from her on my birthday." This email was then circulated around to the 3, and even to my aunt, as if to say, "see, look how he's being neglected" or whatever narrative they like to spin about me.
I then asked him today, which is his birthday, why he would say such a thing and that it made me sad he thought that, and he said "I would never say something like that. I have no reason for saying it! They've never heard anything like that from me, that is positively certain!"
Bottom line, and I'd love to hear from those who have dealt with dementia moods and their loved one saying different things at different times to different people:
He says something dramatic and quite alarming to one person, then forgets and denies he said it a day later. Meanwhile it's created a rift and damage which richochets. This has been happening for months and it's horrible. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?
Any advice?
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to so much of what you said. More and more lately I long to go back to just being a loving daughter, as all the stress and awfulness of the situation that has developed as a result of his dementia and of the other children's meddling has been a total life suck.
Sending hugs.
And yes, the old folks we are shepherding will show different “sides” to different people. Mom made a chump out of me more times than I could count. I know with dementia, you’re supposed to believe it’s all out of their control. Ehhhhh. Kind of but not really. When they are still functional and semi-functional, they can aim the super-show or the super-bomb at exactly whomever they choose.
I think he does it for all the extra attention, and the others buying into drama
do it for possible pay out--either monetary or just enjoying causing trouble. I've
helped father for decade and gone without vacations to help him with countless
health crisis and end result is being continually chided that I don't do enough.
He frequently stirs up trouble with his gossip about me. The main thing is his
addiction to attention. He essentially needs constant attention and being in the
middle of a drama provides that. The other thing, and here I'm just conjecturing,
is that he does not want to be obligated to me in any way. If he totally minimizes
my efforts, and further implies I'm neglecting him or worse absconding with his
funds, he's free to bring in someone else. Maybe a verrrry late life romance. And
he'd like the freedom to cut me loose without feeling any guilt. This is just a conjecture
from him talking about marrying a woman over 50 years his junior!
And ditto about the relatives and other "friends" who don't do any meaningful help
(ie anything more than a very occasional hour here or there) but suck up to him in over the top manner. Somehow they seem to know all about his finances. They also pry into my personal business which he is all too happy to reveal.
It's very disheartening, but many people appear to be mainly driven by money and some are into gaining social leverage through malicious gossip. It's an ugly side of human nature, that especially rears it's ugly head with aging seniors who have even a small amount of $$. Don't hear this kind of drama with poor seniors for some reason :/
Ive contacted an elder care lawyer for advice-mainly because I've been questioned
so many times now by others, I've started questioning the decisions I've made on
his behalf. The whole thing makes me sad, and its destroyed any hope I had for a
close genuine relationship.
I second the idea of moving your dad closer to you. My parents lived 200 miles from me and when they hit their 80s, I'd get frantic calls to come help. It was killing me with stress. I asked them to move near me and they did. There was still stress involved, but not nearly as much when they were 1.5 miles away from me. I could be with them in five minutes instead of driving for four hours.
Hang in there, this is a marathon and not a sprint. I took care of my mom for 15 years and my dad for 9. I had to learn to pace myself and give up my inherent perfectionism. I also had to learn to forgive my brother for his lack of help. My anger at him was killing me for a couple of years until I wised up. What you're doing is one of the most frustrating, stressful and gratifying things you'll ever do. We get it. So come back here often to vent or update us on what's happening. {{{Hugs}}}
I admire you for your dedication to your father. And I admire your new husband for supporting you. Have you ever considered moving him closer? Is he in a facility or does he live on his own?