Dad entered NH last January after a bout with pneumonia; worked really hard and brought him home in August. He didn’t keep up with his therapy and developed pneumonia again after 3 weeks home, went to ER and now back in NH. The Therapist has indicated to Dad that they will need to discharge him in 3 weeks because he has reached his best level. He has interpreted that as he’s being “discharged” and can go home but that is not the case. I have talked with the NH and they suggested that it’s time to have the talk with Dad about him needing to stay there because it would be unsafe for him to come home. Mom and I have been telling him that "when the DR. released him," he can come home. Mom can’t help with his care and is in agreement that Dad is very well taken care of at the NH and needs to stay. I’m reluctant to have this talk because I don’t want him to give up or become angry. Can anyone help with giving me ideas on how to approach this with Dad? Should I talk with his Dr. about this? I have DPOA for both Dad and Mom.
When my dad had lung cancer, the doc gave him a year and my dad died a year and three days later. My dad died in the skilled nursing section of the facility where he and mom lived (they were in Independent Living). Near the end, it didn't matter where he was, he was just sleeping and disconnecting from mom and me.
My mom died in her bed in the Independent Living apartment where she'd lived for 15 years. But as the end approaches, it doesn't really matter where the person is, they're usually comatose or semi-comatose. So they're not able to "appreciate" where they are (in my opinion). It was much harder on me with mom, because I had to bring in support for her beyond just me. I had hospice and I also had people coming in to check on her when I wasn't there (I was working).
I understand your desire to honor your dad's wishes, but at what cost? If it takes your mom down too, is that fair to your mom or to you? Your dad is being self-centered in his desire to meet his own needs while not considering the needs of the rest of the family. He's not alone in this, he's got a wife and you. None of this is easy...please keep us posted.
Another thought would be to contact the attending Doctor at the NH to receive her thoughts on not releasing him into an un-safe environment. Dad did say at one point that if the Doctor told him that he needed to stay in NH, he would do it but would give up and just die. I'm at a loss. Mom is frail and this will make her go down faster as well. She knows that, but he is stubborn, angry and scared. Any guidance or thoughts?