Dad has dementia and has lived in LTC facility for a year and a half. I am his only child and the closest person to him. About 2 weeks ago, his facility started allowing indoor visits (daily) for an hour. I’ve tried to make the most of the hour, and for the most part our visits have been pleasant. Today, dad seemed sad and a little irritated. I tried talking to try and keep things upbeat, but I knew something was wrong - so I finally just asked.
Dad said, “I’m upset because I haven't heard from my daughter” (thats me) He said, “I don’t know if I did something wrong or if she’s mad at me, but she’s not answering my calls and I haven’t heard from her (again, me).
I literally sat there and felt like I was hit with a Mack truck. I know it may not be the right thing say, but I looked him square in the eye and said “dad I AM your daughter. It’s me and I’m here with you”
He definitely didn’t believe me and said - let’s just drop it. He was distant and sad during the entire visit. Yes I’m sad that he doesn’t recognize me, but what makes it worse is that he’s genially saddened that I would desert him (which couldn’t be farther from the truth). Is there anything I can say or do to help him feel comfort and realize it’s really me? Side note: he calls me by my name, and even introduces me by name, but on the same day, he look ME straight in the eye, and asks me - have you seen Ann (yea, that’s me). Ugh
If he doesn’t, and you feel comfortable doing so, try telling him that you know his daughter very well, and that she always says that she loves her dad very much and hopes to see him soon.
What you’ll be doing is speaking of your own feelings for him, but in the third person. At some point he may say “I know you Ann. You’re my daughter”. Just continue as Ann. Ultimately your goal is to confirm his hope to hear from his daughter and know that she cares for him and dearly loves him as she always has.
I hear your “ugh”, and I second that. This is SO PAINFUL. If you can share your own feelings it may help you feel a little less uncomfortable that he’s missing you and is unable to realize that you are actually you.
There’s no question that you miss him and love him still. For at least the time being, if you can let yourself become part of what he’s believing in his present, you can help him find his way to looking forward to your visits and enjoying the time he spends with you. That’s a gift that you can give him that you’ll never regret.
If you can get the facility to "prep" him just before your visit. Have them say.."George" you are getting a visit from your daughter Ann today, that must be exciting.
When you enter the room say.."Hi dad, it's Ann, how are you? When you start the conversation be right in front of him and get down to his eye level if he is sitting.
Part of the problem may be the mask if you are wearing one. (and you should)
If you can find a Clear Face Shield that would enable him to see your face it might make it easier for him to recognize you.
If he insists that you are not his daughter then as hard as it is go with it.
Tell him that you are there to visit him. You could say you are a very good friend of Ann and tell him some of the things only you and he would know. Ann is at the store and she asked me to stop by and say hi.
Do not push it. No need to stress him and it may just upset him.
Talk about Ann in the third person, and go through old memories. Finding that he loves his memories of you will make you feel a bit better.
My husband is now now having difficulty remembering his children-in-law and grandkids. With the grandkids, he’s confused because they grow up when, in his mind, they stay very young. Two years ago we took a granddaughter to dinner for her 18th birthday. I talked about her on the ride over so he’d be prepped. He was very quiet all thru dinner, but livened up considerably at dessert and told her how amazing she was and how proud of her he was. Brought tears to her eyes. After we dropped her off he told me that he had a devil of a time figuring out who this young woman was and why the heck we were taking her to dinner. Said he knew we were taking granddaughter out, but was expecting an 8-year-old. Said he finally figured out who she was toward the end of the meal. As sad as that was, I was happy he figured it out and said those beautiful words to her. Just wish I knew of his struggle as I could have easily fixed it. At family gatherings now, I don’t think he’s able to keep track of who’s who and who belongs to which family, but - like my grandma way back when - he knows they’re his people. Now I always say who people are and their relationship to help him out.
First, a (((hug))).
It probably wont make you feel any better but periodically this happens to me: Mom talks about me to Me (and it's rarely complementary!) She conjures up the most awful fables about people I feel I need to defend. All too often, the false beliefs of abandonment, theft, indifference, cruelty (in her disordered mind) are connected to those who love her the most and do the most for her. And as you described of your dad, my mom also fades in and out of her delusion like bad radio reception. One minute she's talking about me like I wasn't there, and the next minute she seems to know she's addressing me, her daughter. In and out. Back and forth.
Dear Anna, recognize the neurons in your dad's brain are misfiring. He remembers, loves and values you, his daughter because after all, he's asking for you! But the visual center in his brain no longer recognizes you. I would suggest you emotionally disconnect. I don't mean abandonment, ceasing to care, etc. Rather, recognize the disease for what it is: a memory thief. You can't help it. He can't help it. It's easier to just go along with his delusions. When he asks after Anna, you might make up some pretext for your "absence," i.e., "Anna's on vacation, Anna's got the flu; I'll let her know you miss her," whatever you think might best reassure him.
When my mom attacks a family member for some imagined slight or threat, I say, "Oh Mom, that's just not the Jane I know! She's such a good person to have remembered your birthday last month!", etc. Don't directly challenge. Just say something calming and reassuring.
This disease is an uphill battle with no winners. When we as caregivers think in terms of how we can ease the way for those who are afflicted, it eases the way for ourselves, too. Just know you have a place to come to when your heart is breaking. There are many here who have lived through the pain you're feeling. We get it.
Such a hideous affliction, this dementia. I hate it.
When that happens I suggest telling him that his daughter will be over tomorrow. It’s more important to make him happy than expect him to do more than his brain can really do now.
I recall a story about a woman with AZ who kept asking where her husband was. Each time she was told that her husband had died which caused her grief. Over and over her family kept telling her he was dead. Why? Why not allow her the fantasy that he was in the next room and would soon be in to see her? You cannot force someone with dementia to conform to what they were.
I had to act like the worker, but I continued to care for her with love and calmness. One day she said to me, “I don’t know why, but I have loved you since the first day I met you.” Oh my, knock me over. So you see, with their broken, confused mind, the love and caring can get through. He is not remembering it’s you right now and might always be confused from here on in. But keep loving him. Talk softly, call him Dad/Daddy. If that upsets him, you can say you like to call him that because he seems like a Daddy, if that is ok with him. Do not use the word remember, because he can’t and saying that can upset him.
Use little white lies, by telling him you know she has been away but will be back soon. Try calling him on the phone and see if he will then recognize you. You need to be in his world and as hard as that is, it makes it easier on both of you.
I am now my husbands caregiver and know this day is just around the corner that he won’t know me. I live in the moment and know it is not about what I wish it would be, but it is this way and as long as he is safe and well taken care of, feels my love that is ok. Bless you and keep your love flowing.
Just one idea, one of those scrap books that you can paste pictures of yourself in, with him. Long term memory is sometimes easily triggered, and he would see the little girl grow and see his own changes. I am so very sorry; I know how this hurts. Going to recommend a book. It is called "Still Time" by Jean Hegland. She worked as a volunteer in memory care for years. It is about a professor and his daughter, he in memory care, she visiting, about their relationship, and it is told from inside HIS mind, so you can see all the memory loss and confused things as they happen. I found it a comforting and beautiful book. I am glad you are getting to see him again.My heart goes out to you.
You know, when I would visit mom at the nursing home when mom was there for rehab there was an older woman with ALZ sitting in her wheelchair in the foyer area.
She always wanted to talk to me so I would chat with her before or after seeing my mother.
This woman was convinced that she was only 32 years old. She kept asking me to tell her where her car was parked. She wanted to drive home.
Then she asked me to call her son because she needed to speak to him and explain that she was being held against her will.
This old woman actually told me her son’s name. I looked up his name out of curiosity. I found his name on my phone. Her son was around my age.
I asked her the age of her son. She said that he was a young boy, four years old. It is very sad.
My mother has been in MC almost 4 years now. She slipped back in time after 9 months, asking about her mother (gone 40+ years now.) At that same time she also forgot about her condo, where she had lived for about 25 years, and was asking about the house we lived in before that. One brother isn't local, so he only saw her a few times when up to help a bit with getting her condo ready for sale. The other initially came a few times, but it became rare for him to show up and other than a couple of appts he had to take her to, she really doesn't see him.
She used to ask about them more often, but over time she asked less and less. I don't recall the last time she asked. Out of sight, out of mind is likely. My mother always knew me when I visited, even from across the room. Even though she's gone back over 40 years, I was an adult by then, so she still knows me, despite being locked out for so long. She can't hear, so no phone and never did computer stuff, so no visual either. No window to access from outside. However a staff member recently asked about us and her comment about me was "Oh her and all those cats!"
I did a brief belated birthday visit outside in August, but combination of the heat (it was under a canopy), the distancing and the mask, it isn't clear she even knew I was there.
We (daughter and I) stopped by yesterday before picking up her bed (hospice brought a hospital bed.) They have been allowing short indoor visits in their cafe, so I set it up. She recently had a stroke, but again, the lack of hearing, dementia and distancing with masks, I'm not all sure she knew who we were. I used an LCD Boogie Board when I was able to visit before. It would be too small at 6', so I bought a bigger white board, but she kept losing focus and going back to her sale catalog. The stroke hasn't helped this either.
FWIW, even before we had to move her, in the early stages, she thought my daughter was her cousin. I wish I had a pic of her! Not much I could do to change her mind. I'd heard the name many times, but have no idea what she looked like - must resemble my daughter a lot! We just laughed it off.
If you've been unable to visit for a while because of the virus, it's likely your recent "self" may have gotten lost. Try having a recent picture he can see each day, maybe several hung up in different parts of this room, so no matter where he looks he will see it, perhaps he will remember you. If he has a small album or wallet he can keep pics in, have some that size in those too.
If not, well, enjoy the visits as best you can. You KNOW it isn't deliberate, so don't let it hurt you. Just the fact that he longs for the "real" you tells you he loves you very much!! Others suggested you could be Ann's "friend", who she sent because she can't get time off work or something similar, and was worried about him. Fibs can help deflect his queries (she's working, under the weather, something that reassures him.) Send cards and letters often, so he knows you are out there and care! Promise in those to see him soon can reassure him, gives him hope, but his dementia will impact his sense of time and what he remembers. Some people get a call right after they visit asking when they're going to visit, they haven't seen you in a long time! Once you get past the intro and or excuses for Ann, then change the subject. Perhaps ask him about his "Ann", so you can hear all the stories he has about you!
It's tough, but again, you KNOW he certainly loves you!