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My mom has Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson's and we put her in assisted living a month ago. My dad insisted on being with her and the only way they could be together was the Veteran's home. So we helped them to get in, they were living with us since November before all of this. My mom has gone downhill fast since then, hallucinations and delusions 24 hours a day, almost no sleep and abusive to my dad. He was begging us to get her placed in a facility. My dad only lasted a couple of weeks once she was in assisted living and wanted to be with her again. They do not have the money to self pay for both and he does not qualify because he is able to do all of his daily living. He finally agreed to go to the Veteran's home if he could be with her. The last week he was here was pure and utter hell. He really wanted us to send them back to their hometown, let them get an apartment and other family members take care of my mom but at this point she is way beyond anyone's capability to take care of. Her doctor in their hometown was wanting to put her in a facility a year ago! When we told him that was not an option, he became out of control. He told us that he was going to Walmart to expose himself to covid and bring it back and hoped we would all die. He said it was my fault and my families that my mom was sick (dementia), that we caused it. He called the police on my family and reported us for elder abuse. The police came and found nothing because he reported we yelled at him (he cannot hear even with his hearing aid), wouldn't let him visit his wife (the facility had asked him to let up on visiting for a while because he was agitating her and although we also asked him to not visit for a while, he continued to visit and even admitted he was doing it for selfish reasons) and we took his car away (he was becoming a danger, driving while taking pain pills and the car was actually ours that we had let them use for years and is still in our name and our insurance.) Now they are in the veteran's home together but in quarantine for 2 weeks and he is calling myself and my brother saying he's going to take us to court for elder abuse (on the phone I pay for by the way.) My brother and I have POA over our mom and we want nothing to do with my dad anymore. Can he take us to court? He signed the application to go into the home and filled it out so we did not force him to move in.

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If Dad believes that his manipulation and threats will get him some "answer" to the dreadful situation he has descended into he will continue. You should withdraw from the situation for a while, telling him that you are "taking a few weeks off". Let him adjust. Be certain you NEVER suggest that there is another answer, another move to make, etc. The moving around adds only to adjustment. Your father may WELL WISH they were both dead. I most certain would were I faced with this end of life.
Tell him that you are so sorry for the illness visited upon them, but that this is the only answer you can find. And as to being thrown into a prison for doing best you can for your parents, no, I don't think a lawyer will take that case. IF someone visits tell them the truth as you have told us. This is a miserable way to end life; it is why so many seniors long for death. And quite honestly, we live to long, are made to do all the circles of hell before we are allowed to rest. That, as a lifelong nurse, and as a woman now 78 with a partner 80, having seen my brother live out his last year at 85, is what I believe.
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Anyone can sue but will a lawyer take the case? It looks to me like Dad has some decline too. So I really don't think he will be going anywhere. Lets say it went to court, all your lawyer would need to do is ask that Dad be evaluated to see if he is capable of living on his own and care for his wife too without any outside help. Because you and brother will not be helping him. I bet Dad would lose the case. Like you said, he signed himself in no one forced him.
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somersaunt, I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. Do you think it is possible your father has slide over the dementia line during all the stress and changes? Unless this is "typical" behavior prior, you may need to consider this. He could be suffering from a UTI, which can create confusion and behavior changes. Can your brother accompany him to a doctor's appointment to check for both UTI and get a cognitive exam? I wouldn't worry too much about his threats (I realize this is easier said than done). He doesn't have a case against you no matter what. A lot changed in his life in a very short time...who amongst us wouldn't have a hard time adjusting to all of it? Still, I understand how devastating all of this has been for you and your family. I wish you success in helping your parents as you muddle through it. May you have peace in your heart that you are doing the best you can in a very trying situation.
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somersaunt Jul 2020
Unfortunately all of his life he has bullied people to get his way. It made him successful in business until it just didn't so it has worked for him for a long time. We have just never been the focus of his bullying up until now. We will let the facility know to check for UTI but unfortunately I think that is not the problem. He probably does need a cognitive exam also so we'll let the facility know. I just checked the phone records and he is lying about calling a lawyer. He has also always been a liar so no big surprise. My husband said he knows which buttons to push with my brother and I and that is true. Thank you.
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Imo your Dad is suffering immensely from grief. He is loosing his wife & his life is in crises.

Also sounds like a huge amount of denial (or lack of understanding) about Mom's Dementia. LBD is a terrible type & can progress fast.

I am so sorry you are going though this.

Dad needs some healthy ways to extress his anger. Also a huge reality pill - best delivered by his Doctor & an understanding Psychologist. This is a major life change for him & as such, he will benefit from support from the right professionals. Put them in touch with him, then give him some space.
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Oh my gosh. I am so, so sorry to read what you are going through. I would ask the facility that had asked him to stop visiting for a while to document that for you (can't hurt). Keep the name and badge number of the police officer that visited. Stop paying for his phone. Sad to say people can TAKE others to court for just about anything (I'm guessing in this case he would be attempting to get an elder abuse restraining order against you but it could be some other approach). And there are plenty of lawyers who will happily take money from people with grievances, even if they have no case or are impaired. But *most* judges actually require evidence that such an action is needed, and in this case your father would not be able to produce it. Honestly do you think he is competent enough to even file a case? If he does manage to file a restraining order you have to take it seriously because that would go on your record, but many people deal with those without the expense of an attorney. And based on what you wrote here it would likely be denied (hopefully with prejudice so he can't file again) on first hearing. So you probably just need to take it one step at a time. Good that you are clear you don't want him in your life and also that you and your brother are working together, but hard that you still have concerns for your mom's welfare. Bigger picture you probably should consult with an elder attorney to figure out how best to protect your mom. Good luck.
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