My 82 year old dad was recently diagnosed with dementia. He was in the hospital for 8 days and then transferred to a very nice memory care facility. He calls me every few days and asks to come home. He says it’s a “nuthouse” there and everyone is crazy. He sounds so rational when he calls. He also sounds like a child and it makes me feel so incredibly sad and guilty. Prior to going to the hospital, my once very clean and well dressed dad stopped showering and changing his clothes. He was eating cold beans and chili out of a can. His refrigerator was full of rotten food. He left his propane on and almost killed himself. Luckily, I stopped by and shut it off. He was so messed up he just stood in his kitchen in his underwear unable to say multi syllabic words. When he finally went to the hospital he was hallucinating, but still sounded reasonable.
I know he’s safer, healthier, cleaner, and better off, but when I hear him beg to come home I don’t know what to say. I can’t go see him because of COVID restrictions. He can’t live with us because of his dementia. Anyway, what do I say to him? What can I tell him to reassure him he’s in the best place?
She eventually started to join in with her Memory Care friends and stopped asking about going home - it took quite a few months. Since then she has fallen and chipped her hip, and fallen a few other times. I am now thankful that she was where she was, where they check on them every hour if she is not out with them and overnight. They DO NOT do this in AL. Plus, they make sure she has her meds, recommend when they think she needs something, and truly treat her like family.
So, within a year, her memory issues have got worse and now I know, even when she seems clear and "normal" that she cannot be anywhere else. Her toileting took a turn for the worse and they were there for her overnight every couple of hours (Her toileting is better now). And although my heart tells me that she would have been better of at first to be in AL, I know now that she is better off where she is and would have had to move within one year, which would have had its on set of issues again.
So, when Covid subsides and indoor activities can begin again, I will take her down again with the general population (who grew to know her and also understand her mental issues and loved her, accepted her, and treated her with respect), and hope that she feels "normal." But I understand that my emotions kept me from understanding what her "normal" was.
I empathize with you and can only offer you my experience. There are residents in the general AL population who should be in Memory Care, and there are those in Memory Care that are more functioning than my mother. But in the end, in the right place, the staff foster a sense of community. It just takes time. My prayers are with you and your dad. When the staff told me my Mom would adjust, I didn't believe them. But, they were there with me every step of the way (and still are), and they were right.
I found that not going for a week, at first, helped some. The Aids and staff are very aware of what Dad is going through. They really do understand his fears and why he is doing what he is doing. I learned that This reaction is very Normal. In time he will adjust. Just be sure that he is being included in activities and such. It will make a difference. Get to know the staff at his facility, ask questions, talk about the issues, that will help you to understand and relax with the decisions you have had to make.
Don't feel guilty, you have done the very best for him. He cannot be alone and be safe. Dementia is so horrible and unjust. Keep reading and sharing on this site the things that come up. I found it so very very helpful. And I would suggest finding a therapist for yourself or at least someone (not connected to the issues) to talk with. It will help you. Just keep reassuring him that he really is OK. Try to remember with Dementia he does not remember many many things.
Blessings for you and your Dad.
What I’ve taken from all of the responses is to remain positive. Remind myself he’s in a safe environment. He is... the MC has great reviews and the staff is extremely friendly, attentive, and reassuring. Guilt is pointless, but as his daughter, I still feel badly. Thank you for all of the responses.