Dad's going to do whatever he wants to do despite what anyone tells him. Any advice?

I am having this same trouble with my dad and his wife doesn't seem to think its much of a big deal but that's another story. My dad is 85 and an ex cop so I have put myself in his place. He can't do what he use to and now I am having to do it all for him and her when she's home. Thank Goodness she gone with her kids on weekends but during the week I am the go getter. I have realized because he has to sit to pee or wear a dipper, can't ride his horse that I feed every day and can't sell along with the dogs(3) and cats(8).He still thinks his 25 and a wwomen's man. I turned a death ear to his bulling and foul mouth. Because I know he doesn't know half the time what his fussing about plus here in the south we are brought up to take care of our elders
Just as they took care of us as children. Once aan twice a chilf

I always think of this board, when I hear of an elderly person that is missing. It happened on Monday in Sierra Vista, AZ. He was found dead, yesterday, a mile from home. He was 83 and had some dementia.

Sorry. My above post ended up on the wrong question. It was supposed to relate to statins. I don't know what happened.

With my husband who has Lewy Body Dementia, which is similar to the Parkinson's dementia. I find discussing concerns, options and consequences helps. Like someone else said, with dementia they don't reason they way they use to, because they can't. So do it for him. If my husband is part of the discussion and decision, he is more receptive and cooperative.

For example: Dad, I'm concerned about your driving. I'm concerned because you get lost, drive too slow on the freeway, whatever... If you were to get in an accident AND they find out you have dementia, your insurance may not pay. OR I notice your brain fades in and out and in that moment, you might kill someone and not yourself could you live with that? Then they might sue and you could loose your house. SO IF you give up driving, what are the options? 1) Dial-a-ride 2) taking a taxi 3) call me, etc. All saving a lot money, no car maintenance, no insurance cost, and getting to spend more time with me. Yea!

Anyway, it works at our house for now in mid-stage, but I'm sure all bets are off when we get further along. But I've read that even then, when they've been part of the decision process all along and prior to the foreseeable and discussed future, they are more cooperative. It's as if somewhere in there they remember making the decision or at least thinking they made it.

I took Crestor for three days because I read where it could be a prophylactic for dementia. My muscles ached so badly I stopped. No more muscle aches. That's what this class of drugs does to the muscles. I lowered both our cholesterol by switching to less red meat, more veggies and black rice. Try that!

I would double check our father's condition. Is he really suffering from dementia? I find that term is whipped out too frequently by "health providers". The Parkinson's is easier to correctly diagnose. Even if he has some level of dementia can someone determine how much care he needs to be safe?

I think trying to make him as "independent" as possible would be a smart move. Think of things he can do, even when someone is really handicapped they can help out by folding towels etc. Everyone wants to be able to do something for themselves or for the family.

At 74 he should still have friends, ex-coworkers, siblings around. I would try to get visitors to come to see him. If he is mobile, perhaps they could take him to a diner for breakfast. It depends on his level of functioning.

If he enjoys reading, read to him or have books on tape on subjects he is interested in.

A daily routine can really help. My father lived almost 20 yrs older than your dad is now and he still enjoyed reading newspapers etc.
If too much of his old life disappears, the elderly tend to be scared and can start acting out. He isn't upset with your comments but what they represent. His life is changing, getting smaller each year, he wants his old life where he was fully independent. If he is capable of adjusting to a smaller but still meaningful life he will rebound a bit. My father always knew whatever he would face we would fact it together and that reassurance put him at peace. We did not argue about not driving, or not using his walker or anything he eventually had to contend with as he aged. We were a team. I told him I would work with him to "keep his pieces together"--he laughed at it saying his old body was giving us a "work out".
He exercised into his 90's to not improve his walking but to keep the ability to walk as long as he could using his walker. He was a fit man all his life so of course there was sadness in losing his physical abilities but he accepted that it was part of old age and kept readjusting as best he could to have the life he wanted.

I did not however tell him what to do. I would pose the problem to him and together we would solve it in a way that he felt comfortable with. It is amazing how good he was at figuring out the "best or easiest way" to do something. He really did know his strengths and limitations as he aged. His plans were what he could do not what he wished he was able to do.

Good luck.

Evalyn my mum is taking "crestor" and has been for years over 30 id say? I had a ministroke and doc wants me to take this and i am refusing as i think diet and excercise can get my colesterol down without taking this crap. I hear a vegan diet can do this quickly.
I have read now a link between "statins" and dementia also how it can effect your metabolism.
I will ask my doc about this BUT hes useless i would be worried now if taking her off it now at this late stage would be harmful?
My friend has "self producing cholesterol" she is on crestor years her cholesterol is higher than mine even though she eats alot better than me and is taking this?

Sometimes the person doing the urging is not the person who will be listened to. Have an objective person evaluate your father and give an opinion. Unless he is harming himself or cannot function in his living environment, short of taking him physically to a facility where he is safe what else can you do? Pray nothing untoward happens to him in his present state.

Please note I have been a Care for the past 5 years. I know and understand what Care Givers go through and experience taking care of a loved one

To make a long story short, and not to repeat what has already been previously said, I highly suggest that you ask your father's PCP to write him a prescription for either Trazadone, Remeron or Celexa. From my understanding, the lowest dosage of these meds are 50MG. I presently have my mother take 1/2Tab (25MG) of Trazadone and it has made a world of difference with her behavior and attitude.
I would say after your father takes the med for about one month, you could increase it to 50MG. Trazadone should only be increased by 25MG at a time.
For those of you who are taking care of a loved one who is taking any med with the word (Statin) in it, please see that their PCP agrees to have them stop taking it. From what I have learned, any med with Statin in the name is very deadly. If those of you who are taking care of a loved one who is taking Amlodipine, please see that their PCP agrees to have them stop taking it. Amlodipine causes tremendous swelling throughout a person's body.

What a lot of seniors don't realize is that they could possibly have UTI. Men can have this infection too. Your father's PCP needs to request your father to give him a urine sample to be tested. I highly suggest ordering a powder called
"D Mannose" which is a natural antibiotic. My mother has been taking
"D Mannose" for one week and it has been a miracle to see how much better her behavior and attitude have changed. Please note "D Mannose" is not a med prescribed by a PCP and it can be taken every day for the rest of a person's life.

What we Care Givers have to remember is that no one likes to give up their "independence". Try to put yourself in their shoes. Some elders can adjust to this change in life and others can't. What I have had to learn as a person who takes care of my mother, she is no longer the mother I once knew. She has reverted back into being a little girl. As a child some good things happened to her and some bad things happened to her. I have had time to view her behavior and it leads me to believe that she was badly abused as a child. These are stories I will never be told. When she has done something wrong, she always says that she didn't do it. This indicates to me that throughout her childhood she had to always protect herself. What we also have to remember is that our parent(s) grew up in a time of great depression. As long as they are not hurting themselves or anyone else, it is important to just go along with them in what they say and do. Please be aware of things that deal with their safety. We have spent a great deal of our life seeing our loved one taking care of themselves. We tend to over look the sample things in life that could actually hurt them. If you tell them how proud you are of them for doing what they need to do to take care of themselves, you will see a big change in the elder you are helping to take care of.

In respect to an elder's banking and money, they most likely spent a great deal of their life saving this money. Please keep in mind that most elders lived through a horrible depression and money was hard to come by. I am the POA and MPOA for my elderly mother. She had her "Living Trust" set up so that I only have access to her checking account. I only have access to her CDs after she passes. The way I look at this situation is that the money wasn't mine to begin with. If it takes all the money she owns to take care of herself, God bless her for saving her money. I wish Medicare and our Government saw things this same way but they don't. In most cases Medicare will only help an elderly person if they only own $2K to their name. If your father is having problems in your having access to his money, I would highly suggest that you talk to him and have him agree to set up a checking account with both your names on it. Tell him that this will help you to pay for his medical expenses when he personally can't do it. Tell him this is a safe way for him to know that the money will be there for him. The time will come when banking makes no sense to him.Tell your loved one that you would like to help eliminate this stress from their mind. Have the monthly banking statements, CD statements, Social Security letters, and yearly tax information sent to your address. You can do a monthly spreadsheet showing the elderly person exactly what he/she has in their account(s). This makes an elderly person feel much better knowing and seeing the money they have.

Please note that I don't know everything. What I do know from being a Care Giver, I am very happy to share it. It is very hard to see an elderly person growing older and suffering from Dementia and Alzheimer. The best we can do is help them, take care of them through the last of their years, and love them. My prayers are with you and your family.

I'm going through this now, but my dad doesn't have dementia, at least not so far. He's 93, living alone and still driving. I "suggested" that he surrender his license and almost got my head taken off! His doctor approves of his driving and MV Dept says there's nothing that can be done unless something happens, like an accident or he gets a ticket. He won't listen to me about helping him, so I've taken the attitude that whatever happens will happen. I used to worry constantly about him and what did it get me? Sick, while he goes on with his life like there's nothing wrong. He doesn't shower, but washes himself every day. He wears the same clothes over and over before he takes them to the dry cleaner. He has an odor about him. I've mentioned it to him in a nice way and was told he's fine, he washes daily. So........I've made up my mind that until someone else tells him or something happens to him, I'm just here if he decides he needs me. You can pick and choose the battles with them, but for some reason they win, So be it.

If something is a 4 step task that you are certain he can not or should not do, try to stretch it out. Work-arounds sometimes help. Example: I ruined the ceramic stovetop because I was in the restroom longer than I expected. The water boiled away, but he did not pick up on this. Very scary. I came out -smoke and popping. Cooled that off, but had to mention this as it costs money to replace/install. He was up the next night & decided to see if he might be able to do the job. By a.m. he forgot he turned off the main breaker - but still wanted to do the job. In the meantime I contacted a tech via e-mail, telling the tech I can only communicate by e-mail. Keeps it quiet & doesn't remind him he wants to do the job. All scheduling is done on-line. I contact the manufacturer to get the replacement part - while he is sleeping. The part is Fed--Exed and I grab it before my husband knows it's here. I place it in the back bedroom. Out of sight, out of mind. Several days later he mentions the desire to fix the stove. At this point, were 2 days in front of the scheduled fix date. I tell him we are not working with electrical that we need a qualified tech. I also explain that I am taking out of my life savings to pay for this, so he does not have to worry. We're one day in front, and getting ready for his doctor appointment. He thinks it's today. I remind him it's tomorrow. Try to string the process along if you can. It gives him something to think about, but less time for him to act on his impulses. Less time to act means a little less stressful moments. Cherish any moments of decreased stress you can create for both of you. Not easy, but try taking baby steps. Still a challenge, but a little more manageable.

When my FIL behaved that way, and he also had dementia and Parkinson's, I would walk away for a few minutes then go to him and ask him to sit with me for a bit. Let's talk about this, I would say. Sometimes he would speak of his frutration with me and the limitations I put on him. He accused me of holding him prisoner and promised to tell the doctor or call his brother. I'd hand him the phone and assure him he could call whomever, whenever he felt the need. I also gave him a notebook and suggested he write down the things he wanted to tell them. Once or twice he made a call to his brother but once connected he just asked how he was doing, assured him he was well and ended the call. He always refused the notebook, reversing his accusations and telling me he would tell the doctors nothing. I beleive the acting out was his way of asseting some control over his illness in the only way he knew how.

That doesn't make it any easier on you but I hope it helps you to know that regardless of what he says he's in there somewhere and knows you care. I bought a baby monitor with a video camera I could carry with me wherever I was in the house allowing me to keep an eye on him even when he was in another room. It helped me save him from himself mnay times.

I now agree that waiting until something happens is the way to go. That is so hard too. BUT my 94 yr old FIL is just coming off of his very serious fall, landing himself in a nursing home (NH) for 40 days. One week back in the home and seems a bit more agreeable. Yet his home visiting nurse almost walked out because he was not agreeable to signing a consent form. She said do it or I will leave. She put her coat on and he backed down. Signed the form. That was the only resistance we have been told about. He said this last stretch was very hard and he does not want anything like that to happen again. Tough love hopefully will help the stubborness -- if they remember. Eventually they have to be in a professional system as 24 hour care is too much for one person. Hugs and prayers for you!

Yep my mum is the same battling to keep her independance even if its dangerous. Ive had to let her be and tryand swtich off something bad IS going to happen for her to wake up and realise she needs help. her bedroom is a mess she wont let me in there to clean out , she wont let carers in there i managed to get her in a good mood and she cleaned half? the room. she takes all her money out of her bank and has no understanding of direct debits ive had to take money from her purse to get food. the stress is unbearable ive spoken to her doc and got "well if she wants to behave like that what can you do?" i have to let her be until she falls or worse. she had a diabetic seizure last year and was putty in my hands after and grateful that i was here. Now the demnetia has escalated and she just argues over everything i have had to let her be as the stress caused me to have a ministroke. Its VERY hard to swtich off as we do it out of fear that something will happen ive learnt now that i cant be responsible for her actions illness or not she will learn like alot of dmentia patients that a serious fall is imminent or worse. im drained and god forgive me but i hope something happens so she can get the help she needs as i cant do this anymore its a constant battle and huge rows with extremely aggressive behaviour i let her do what she wants now as theres only so much you can do they cannot see "reason" and ive tried the softly softly approach and tried to explain to her "its because we care". Nothing you say can make a difference they are very sadly lsoing thier independance and they will fight damn hard to be able to keep doing the things they want to do. I can understand it and it must be awful for them but dont let it get to you or you will get ill. I tell myself everyday I love her i care for her i do all that is possible to keep her safe if something happens it happens i cant live in constant anxiety and fear i am much more relaxed now as ive taken a "back seat" as long as shes happy and eats well has taken her meds washes even once a week what can i do.
Hugs this is the hardest thing about "dementia" how unbelievably stubborn they become but my mum was always stubborn and a manipulator shes just got worse with this illness all i hear from professionals is "this is going to get worse".
God help me my mum is early stages and i cant cope how much worse can this get?
My advice let him be until something happens then he will have get help. I have to breath into a bag when mum gets to me, trust me it works!

I am with you, my dad is the same way. I just wait till he has no choice but to listen to me. I have yet to steer him wrong but he still doesn't trust me. Sometimes he thinks it is his idea, so I just go along. I'm battling oral hygiene with him right now. Money is the thing he understands best, so when I or the dentist present his issue it has to be in dollars. His pride it what is keeping him from doing the necessary thing. So I guess what I'm saying is find that nich that your dad understands and work with it. It's the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

You haven't provided any specifics so if my response is inappropriate, I'm sorry. We frequently forget that those we love who have dementia, can't reason the way we would. It is our burden to lean new ways to communicate. The alzheimers site has some interesting ideas (caregiver center - communications) as do many of the threads on these boards. Try to 'redirect' your Dad's behavior rather than to tell him no. If you can provide some situations after you check these other locations let us know how we can help.

What exactly is he doing that you don't agree with?

Both diseases will make him feel paranoid and fearful that he's not in control of his own life anymore.

Is he taking anything for his anxiety?

I guess you need to do what's best for him if he likes it or not!