After seven years of challenging but fulfilling caregiving for my dad, he made a peaceful transition three months ago. I prepared for this. However, what has me in shock is the insensitive and cruel reactions of some friends. I haven't seen my so called best friend in the three months since he died. I'm only child and mom went first but few understand that. Many people avoid me now and my boyfriend hung up on me three days before Christmas and we haven't spoken since. I've tried to have little to no expectations but I feel very angry and shocked by some of this. I have a good life in many ways, I work on myself and feel I'm more than a label... More than an adult orphan. Hard to get thru grief when I feel like I'm losing more friends and the pain isn't understood. I was raised to have manners and say " I'm sorry for your loss." Some can't even muster that. Going to try a grief support group but nothing right now and it hurts sooo bad!!!!
Conversely I have a girlfriend in my area that I used to love to talk to on the phone & she was actually my eldest son's godmother. We were very close at that time. She lost her husband in a freak accident about 5 years ago & it doesn't matter how often I try to email her or call her she never responds & I miss the friendship. I never knew her husband that well. I just loved her. Can't get back in touch.
So I do wonder & in fact have found it confusing & maybe a little insulting that now that he is gone she won't have anything to do with me. I have tried many times maybe every few months to reach out. Nothing.
I am very disappointed to hear in these shares that friends & family desert those who have lost a loved one to death in the same way we hear often that they desert those who have lost a loved one to alzheimer's. I was hoping that the desertion was due to feeling awkward about mental issues like AD or not wanting to be called upon to visit the patient or help out.
Apparently the desertion is due to any kind of loss close to you. But in answer to above poster my son had lost too many immediate family members not to death but to family splits & father desertion and when Grandma came with alzheimer's I don't know why but he changed overnight from the sweetest people pleaser to an expletive I can't spell here. He checked out emotionally. He & I had endured 3 years of domestic abuse from the ones who moved out & I became his rock as single moms do & you would think he would understand mom needing me but it was just too many deserting him. Some of the emotional distance happened gradually but his temperament & meanness changed overnight. If you had known him as a child & adolescent you couldn't believe it was the same person.
So very sorry for your loss, HawkWings.
If these relationships fade or end I'm ok w it. It's just been an overwhelming amount of change all at once. My father always used to say my best friend was " flaky". Lol. He was right. I've known her since we were nine so it's been a long friendship but I'm looking forward to new people coming into my life.
I am the only one that saw his attitude & behavior while mom lived here. I know when the transformation of pain occured & what it was based on. In 2 weeks he moved out to his own house. It has been downhill since. When you look at the wedding pics he looks so miserable & she looks so happy you almost can't stand to look at them.
I can't explain what happens when you are a caregiver or there is a family loss like this but I know there isn't much you can do about it because I have tried everything. My dad is still living but went through medical "hell" recently & is declining in ill-health. I had very few people in my life because of a small family & have lost most of them due to no fault of my own. My ex-husband has a 101 yr. old mother & he is an only child. He will not face her mortality or his own & it is affecting my survival, my sons survival & his mother's care.
People need to face that at some age they will die & make preparations. I believe that is all you are facing. As for support groups I don't know. It will depend on the groups available & the ppl in them. I would say take care of yourself.
This too shall pass.
If I could lose the only son I was a single mom for because my parents got alzheimer's & needed me - then one died - he talks to us even less now because she died then who knows why anything happens. I still would love to know but his new wife & her family scare me so much that I am glad I am not speaking with him. The wedding was unpleasant as were it's preparations.
Speaking for myself, only, I regret the loss of formal ritual. In the case of mourning, we need that schedule laid out for us that says: "don't expect to feel better for at least a week, then a month, then a year. After that, we'll see." I do feel it's one of the babies that got thrown out with the bathwater.
Back a century or so there were expectations that were well understood by society. I was surprised to learn that the black arm band and other markings of mourning was not really a sign of respect for the deceased, but a signal to others that this person was fragile emotionally, and needed to be treated gently.
We don't have such well-defined expectations today, which is a good thing in many ways, but it also means we don't quite know what our roles should be relating to someone who has recently lost a loved one.
I can't imagine why your boyfriend hung up on you. Perhaps your grief-driven behavior was strange and upsetting to him, and he never really learned what to expect and how to relate to it. (Or maybe he is a jerk and doesn't really deserve you. I don't know him.)
Try not to hold what you perceive as "abandonment" against your friends. When you are ready, reach out to them and re-establish social relationships.
You will never stop missing your dad, but the pain will become a less central part of your life. Give yourself time to heal. Get help from a grief support group and/or a personal counsellor if you need help dealing with the pain. You deserve to find peace, and to be ready to resume your social life.
the old timeless comparison; a friend will bail you out of jail. the true friend will be locked up with you and in it up to their eyeballs.
i know im not making any sense. its the internet, i dont have to.. you just hurl crap in 360 degrees and then duck..
Love the people who treat you right!
Forget about the others!
Believe everything happens for a reason!
I know the feeling also:0(
Hang in there, be strong,make new friends, build a new life, life is wonderful.
XO
I'm so sorry. Your suffered a big loss and your life has suddenly changed but those closest to you don't know how to react. A counselor / therapist will be able to help you through your grief and examine what is happening in your relationships. Your boyfriend hung up on you but you don't explain what preceded that so it's hard to see what's going on.
GayleV's thoughts are similar to mine. Perhaps your best friend no longer feels close to you. Or perhaps she has no idea what you need right now. I urge you to join the support group soon and start therapy to work through where your life is going now. You need to connect to others who understand.
And without you noticing how little you were part of it. Now you have all this unoccupied time and you feel abandoned. But in reality, the rest of the people in your live haven't changed at all. They are living as they always have. You are the one who's different. Yes they should have said, "I'm sorry for your loss". When it happened. Not every time they talk to you now. It's been three months, and while you are still grieving, you can't expect others to continue to act like it just happened. Nor expect them to suddenly move in and fill all the empty space in your life. And if that is what you expect, they people may actually be avoiding you. But I get the feeling that they are only going about life as usual. In the past you would have been way too busy for them. Now you have all t his time and it feels like avoidance. It's just MHO but you really might benefit from some counseling. You're impulse to attend that support group is a good one. Follow it.