I have not talked to my Mother in over five months. She has lied to me over and over again. How do I deal with her lying and preferential treatment to my brother?
I expect to be treated as an equal with him. Neither oneof us is more capable of handling Mom's finances and healthcare than the other. We are both honest people who were never a problem to our parents.
About 25 years ago when my children were little, I was angry with my husband for being so tight fisted. We had alot of money in investments, he was from a well to do family. I was taking care of our three children (twins). Money was so tight, he refused to "share" anything. He was building weath, or so he said, in the market. I was often depressed and vented to my Mother.
Fast forward, it has come home to roost. She claims I asked her for money to "feed my children", so she doesn't want me to know she has anything. Sad, in so many ways. When I confronted her about this she lied and blamed my now deceased father. But that opened a flood gate of her lies. I have finally stopped talking to her. My brother told me this weekend to call her, she would never call me.
I feel betrayed, lied to and about. She does not have dementia, is very healthy. My husband is angry with her and admits his wrong doing. But no one really defends me to her. I just can't call her, too much water under the bridge. My brother is zero help. He makes me feel guilty that I have distanced myself. Any thoughts on this unfortunate situation I would appreciate.
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For your sake, I suggest that you love your transgressors wit unconditional love, fogive them and do not judge their actions. Their is only one judge. I lve by these simple words and it has helped me over strife in my life good luck
Thanks for sharing.
I could not handle hearing the hurt from hearing gossip anymore so I stopped asking and checking.
Of course you will feel regret but if you did go over wouldn;t you just subject your self to more abuse ? There isn't an easy answer and I have no peace either way. My mother is a toxic person who abused me as a child and an adult -I m still trying to come to terms with it -
The other gossip is Mom's neighbor across the street from her. I will call her Ann. Ann is a childhood friend who grew up with me. We are like sister's. Ann thinks Mom is really strange and I think she wants to let me know what is going on. Mom has been told Ann tells me everything. But Mom continues to tell her lies and gossips. In fact, the main reason I stopped talking to Mom was because she told Ann , my friend, that I wanted to take over her finances. This was around the middle of February. I asked Ann if she thought Mom has the beginnings of dementia. Ann takes care of elderly people for a living. She said absolutely not, Mom is just mean. So both Ann and my brother, plus an Aunt, have told me of Mom's comments. My brother has told Mom Ann tells me everything. I just can't pick up the phone and act like I am sorry about something she has done to me.I feel like I would be returning to my abuser.
You can't control her, but you can control yourself, and exposing yourself to the toxic relationship. Even so I recommend the high road with disengagement which is what I did and am doing. I think you can remember birthdays with cards/and or flowers and send get well cards/flowers if needed. There are cards out there that are kind, well-wishing cards and don't involve you telling lies about how you feel about her personally. If your brother is POA and or executor/trustee, let him do it.
If you are not geographically close then send a note once a month updating your mom on your family and extended family...just positive newsy stuff. If she likes a special food you can send it.
If she is geographically close then decide on a calling OR visiting thing but limit it. If you bring someone with you that would limit her feeling comfortable to disrespect you by yelling or cutting you down, then bring that person...maybe a relative. If you feel calling/visiting is too toxic for you, older people like to get mail so send nice notes about how you and the family are doing or drop of favorite foods/dinners every now and then.
Looking to the future, if the time comes for her to get a higher level of care, and your brother brings it up, tell him to do what he thinks is best--but be clear that best will not include you in giving her direct care, POA, executor or anything financial. Given the toxic relationship I would keep the responsibility ball in his court. You can give disengaged positive support, but nothing that will expose you to unmitigated toxic exposure to her.
You will never regret taking the high road of giving someone grace: unmerited, undeserved kindness, favor and good will. While she has chosen to reject and to disrespect you and the family, you can choose to show her undeserved kindness. As I am currently taking care of a difficult relative, I know how very hard it is to maintain the high road. But in the long term, the high road will protect you from any regret and will leave the way open for her to have a change of heart if that ever happens.
As for the fact that you confided in your mother years ago, it is a shame that your mom wasn't just loving, wise and discreet enough to know that at that time you were possibly searching for guidance in how to deal with your husband's (at that time) stinginess. It appears to me that your mother is basically a very angry unhappy woman and she probably won't change but I think it might be worth a try to have her come face to face with the consequences of her lying. It would give you a chance to try to make her see how she is hurting you. But maybe she has no feelings for anyone but herself??
Anyway, I am glad you wrote in to this caregiver's site and I hope you received in your heart a feeling of love and support from this community.
told me I was nuts and didn't owe him anything. He died 10 years ago and I never got the love or even an apology that I deserved. But you know what? I did what was right for me and I can feel proud of myself for that. It wasn't easy, but in the end, we have our self respect and less regrets. Now, Im taking care of my mom with alzheimers. Maybe I needed to remind myself of that story, to get thru it this time. It sure didn't get any easier. Good luck to you Madge!
It is truly painful and sad that you do not have a loving mother. Vent away! And do what you have to do to protect yourself from a toxin in your life.
I was feeling bad about this post until you responded. Like I had done something really wrong. But you hit the nail ont he head, unless you have toxic parents you can't really relate. Thank you again, it cleared the fog.
If distance from your Mom is what you need right now, so be it. She has already distanced herself. However be prepared for a phone call when she becomes ill and needs YOUR help. Decide now how you will handle that scenario now. Be armed with assistance for her, but do not take her into your home. (I've seen this so often.)
Don't let anyone "guilt" you into feeling the way they feel. They may have a different relationship with her. Do none of this out of vindictiveness...I have never ascribed to the "eye for and eye" philosphy.
I do not know if you will regret stopping communications with her in the long run. But, for now, you need the peace, she is able to take care of herself, and it will give you a chance to figure out what relationship you want with her on YOUR terms.
My Mom has selective memory, too. She does this to start an argument with me or get me frustrated. Then she is happy because someone is as miserable as she is. If you begin communicating with your Mom, set ground rules. When she starts the lies, disengage. Say, "Mom, I would love to chat, but there is someone at the door." It is a calm little fib that still sends the message that her words are inappropriate. It also relieves her of an audience. But you need to do this EVERY time. It won't change her behavior, but she will have to find another venue for her negativity.
You deserve a good life, you are a good person, and you are an adult separate from your mother. Take charge and live guilt free.
Yes, people can appoint who they want to what and leave all their money to one kid. It is a free country. But the lasting damage is the problem. How is it working for me to not talk to my Mother? I have moments of sorrow, as this posts shows but most of the time I am fine. I wish I could make it better but I know if I call her she will run directly to her neighbor, tell a lie about me, my neighbor will then call me with the lie. It is a vicious cycle. I had to break the cycle for my own mental health.
As for Mom, she is a healthy 80 years old, independent (physically and financially), shops almost everyday. Has great mental health (no dementia, etc.), takes no drugs. However, she has no friends, never calls anyone and hasn't been to my house in 12 years. She didn't attend her granddaughters wedding, my girls graduations from high school or college (my oldest was valedictorian of her 500+ high school class), her daughter-in-law's mom's funeral. Nor did she help with her father in his old age, nor her mother. She wasn't there when I had my twins, I had to call my MIL from Miami to help me. Mom couldn't miss her sleep. Not one in-law, grandchild, brother, sister, nor neighbor thinks she is a nice person.
What I am sad about I guess it what isn't and what I can't make better. I have tried over and over. As my husband said to me (and this is ironic), You just have to disengage.
So I guess her attitude now is just the straw that broke th camel's back. And I guess, yes I am venting.
You did a foolish thing in complaining to your parents about your marriage problems. OK. You were young and you're human. Forgive yourself and move on from that.
If your mother is truly lying to you, she is behaving badly. If she is honestly remembering things incorrectly, she is being human and elderly. Either way it is painful for you. An in-person heart-to-heart with her on this topic might pave the way to forgiving her.
Each person needs to assign a POA and a medical proxy. If there are two equally suitable candidates, they still need to pick one. If she put you in charge of finances, would your brother then complain that he was equally qualified and why didn't he get the assignment? Hubby and I have 5 kids. Ain't no way we are giving POA to 5 people. It would be utter chaos. If you have a good relationship with your brother he can get your input when decisions have to be made.
You may be justified in feeling betrayed and lied to. You may be justified in severing ties with you mother. But would you rather be "right" or be on reasonably good terms with your mother? What would really make you feel better?
It is not true that you can't call your mother because there is too much water under the bridge. You choose not to call her. That is your choice to make. It doesn't seem to be making you happy, though. Perhaps it is time to try another choice.
And also while you're at it, I'd tell my hubby that even though he and I were having an issue at the time, I was sorry about telling the folks instead of working it out between the two of you. Maybe you've done all this already which is good, but if not that's where I would start. My mouth always gets me into trouble, so I guess that means I'm human.