He is a chronic pain patient, has a pump with dilaudid in it, a spinal chord stimulator and a pacemaker.I think he is starting to have either dimentia or side effects of his meds. I have to tell him the same things more than once and he just doesn't seem to be thinking clearly anymore. I feel like I am in mourning already as we had a close relationship before allthis started 4 years ago.
Your feeling of "mourning" is a common theme here in this forum. It is so difficult to watch our family members deteriorate before our eyes, not to mention being a fulltime caregiver and working too. If you didn't feel some sense of loss, that would be unusual. You are essentially robbed of that relationship you once had and forced to shift into the role of care manager.
Is there a caregiver support group in your area? What we have all found here is that most people, who have not gone through this, do not know how hard it is...in fact, they do not want to hear about it at all. So going to a group or coming to this forum gives you a safe, non-judgmental place to vent or get advice.
It is also so very important to keep yourself healthy. All of us put our health on the back burner and pay for it later. If it gets to be to much for you, consider having family, friends, church members, etc. come in so you can have a break. If there is no one in the area, hire in-home help for a few hours a week.
good luck