How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?

Well, true, however, she did have to quit being a full-time housewife in 1970 due to my father's poor health and begin a very successful career in real-estate, but with no retirement from her working years, she has had to struggle since my father's death in '96. Trust me, she's been humbled by my brothers, myself and now her grandchildren. We all had our issues she had to deal with.

My middle brother and myself were adopted at birth, (she wanted a daughter and could have no more children) he became an alcoholic..knew the tendency was there. My daughter became pregnant her Sr. year and was abused by the father of the baby...now doing great, but she endured that. My niece is truly testing her now - poor mother figure, but since they live in Dallas, it is not as bad.

She wants to be needed...hearing other posts...I am really being humbled and appreciating her more and more.

i know -wish my mom could go to senior daycare but she cant talk or play games- she has dementia- its so sad - we cant even talk during the day -

I first lived with my mom for about five years in a condominium. Mom basically was there for financial reasons, she could not go on paying rent after my father died in the place that they were living. I was dependent on her a lot for transportation and I had a lot of health problems. I was trying to keep working full-time even though I had a lot of health problems. The main problem we had living together was she wanted to have parties all the time, at least once a week, sometimes even twice a week, and a lot of them were on weeknights when I would come home and need to rest. She insisted on the same high standard of living she had when my father was alive, even though we could just barely afford it. Then her health gradually started to get worse, so I was helping her more than she was helping me. Then they moved my job to a crazy location west of town, and the only alternative for me was to move downtown so I could get a direct express bus to my new work location. I knew I would be spending at least an hour each way commuting, so mother decided to move out of state to live with my sister. Mom and my sister did not get along, so she moved into an assisted living apartment and began a romance with a man 10 years older than she was. I finally lost my job due to health problems, and so I moved in with my mother. She had fallen and broken her back, so I was really needed to help take care of her, they would not let her out of the nursing home unless someone was with her 24 hours, even going to assisted living. She insisted on continuing this romance with an older man even though he was going downhill with dementia and Alzheimers. He was both verbally and physically abusive with her. When the assisted living workers saw the physical abuse, they made him go to the nursing home and visits were curtailed there. All of our money went to getting transportation so she could see him every day after he moved to the nursing home. He died in 2008, then we moved to be closer to my sister. I tried taking care of mom alone in apartment for another year, but she started falling down a lot, so she is now in the nursing home. She wants me visiting all the time, even though I live with my disabled sister across town, and I am busy helping my sister with housework and cleaning. I have two people now clammoring for my attention, and an unhappy mother complaining about being in the nursing in a shared room.

My Mom thinks I have all kinds of money and time (even though I gave up my job) to give to her and Dad and I can't seem to get it through to them. She thinks I should cook for them every night and be the one to buy the groceries!

Needy people = entrapment; so it's no wonder you're feeling like a hostage. It's your house, your rules, and your children; but for some reason she has deluded herself into believing that the Mountain must come to Mohammed. Time for a crash course designed to remind her who's in charge, what's expected of her, and to understand/accept others have lives and responsibilities that she must respect.

She can't afford much, but must pull her own weight around the house. After all, she stopped being your guest after 3 days. Although there's some dementia that has to be taken into consideration, it shouldn't be used as a crutch by her or as an excuse by others to justify her a behavior that's quite common. My mother wasn't diagnosed with dementia, but behaved the same way and wasn't just needy. She was overly dramatic. In retrospect, I questioned my own sanity for allowing something like this to go on for three years. But there comes a point when enough is enough; and when you don't honk your own horn people won't know you're coming.

Good luck my friend.

-- ED

I have the same situation. Very, very identical situation! Only I lost my husband six years to cancer so it is just my Mom and I now.
She also cannot afford to live on her own, is also however in very good health for her age. She can do for herself and does.
She like your Mom hovers over me to much and has for along time and I have come to resent it. It's gone on way to long and it is time now for it to stop!! I have had the care for her since I was 48 and I am now 65. I have gotten past my husbands death and now I would like to know how it would feel to have a life of my own?
She like your Mom watches every move I make who I talk to, and what we talk about. If I don't answer her or tell her geeezzzzzzzz! Mom can I be entiled to some privacy here!! Then she'll rant and rave and carry on about all she has done for me and been through all the thick and thin with me. Then for me to speak back to her in that tone of voice and on and on!! Ya know the putting of guilt back to me.
Now keep in mind I pay all the bills here, I don't ask anything from her financialy, because I know she "is" on a very limited income so her money goes for essentials and things "she" needs. Plus this is my home. She lives with me I don't live with her!
I did finally meet a very nice guy, whom now and then we go out to dinner or a movie together. I consider him to be just a good friend to hang out with, laugh with and share Grandchildren stories with.
But she is resentful as all get out over this and we only get together a couple of times a month, because we both are still working!!
I just say some days WOW!! How much more can I take?? This is just one of many of my stories.
But I do wish you well with your journey as a caretaker also with your Mom!

I'm sorry to hear about the death of your husband, but glad to hear you have a new friend in your life. It is your house, it is your life, and she's your ungrateful guest. I would not argue back with her or let her trap me into an argument. She's treating you like a little girl, but you are a grown woman. I would find out if she qualifies for Medicaid and find a nursing home which would take her and take good care of her.

I can relate to your concerns very well and I am afraid of the future in my relationship with my mom. Although my mom doesn't live with me it often feels like she does as she is very emotionally needy, 80 years old and twice widowed - most recently 2.5 years ago. She hasn't really got over that loss. What compounds the loss of her husband is that he took on responsibility for so much - cooking, shopping, driving, social organizing and generally planning their days and lives. This suited my mom perfectly. I never really felt like she was a willing adult at any time as her belief system has her asking spirit guides for answers to even the most everyday questions. I don't share this belief, but her husband did. While he was alive it was relatively easy to maintain a friendly relationship.... Now that he is gone she is much more needy in many ways...I helped her a lot in the beginning as she didn't know how to write a cheque for the rent, pay a bill, etc. Some larger tasks and heavy duty cleaning I also do. The hard part is the emotional tension as in truth, I love my mom but I have a lot of resentment towards her as well as I feel emotionally trapped to socialize with her at least once a week as well as do a few of her chores...I've never felt like we really understand one another or that I had the mother I wished for, but I have a sense of duty to take care of her as well as I can. This is a big problem as I am an only child in my fifties with a very demanding job (that I love) and lifetime dreams I have only started to fulfill that fill much of my time. I'm in a dilemma as although she believes she is getting better in health, mobility, etc. and wants to live another 15 years, I can see her health and mental capacity is going downhill. She is lonely and thinks my company and things we do together really help her feel better. However, they make me feel drained and miserable. I don't want to turn into a major caretaker as I feel it will ruin my life, but I feel guilty as I think I should. There are so many unresolved conflicts and differences between us from the past I keep to myself as I don't want hurt her, but I can't be what she'd like me to be either. Sorry for this rant - I know it is more of my story than addressing yours. I hope you can manage to find a resolution for your difficulties.

So, about 18 months later...here I am. She has not changed. I have been able to get her more involved with friends and church, but she still wants me to sit down and spend time with her, trying to guilt me. My brother recently had a ruptured aorta, is still in the hospital, lost a leg and still unable to breathe on his own for very long (was alcoholic and smoker). My other brother is caring for his affairs and keeps mom for about 10 days here and there. I treasure those 10 days!

I have finally given up on worrying about her finances. She overdrafts about $250 every month, pays $50 for mini-storage for her junk she has not seen for two years. Tried to help, then found my brother tried when she was living on her own. He even footed her bills for one month and she was angered and could not live on a budget, it is not worth it. It still drives me nuts when she tries to pay for everything, buying groceries - many times the wrong things so they just sit around or rot; or when we take her with us to eat out and we know she cannot afford it but still tries to pay, I just get tired of the lengthy debate about her not paying every time...I hate inviting her now.

I go out to take my horse to the vet....she asks which horse...we have 9 and the names are nothing she remembers...the one I was taking is named for one of my granddaughters (we have one named for each of our two girls)....OMG....I finally told her it does not matter which one...I'm just taking one to the vet and left. REALLY....did she need to know which one? She has no clue as to which one is which.

She keeps talking about looking for somewhere else to live, I tell her I will go and pack her things and head off to do so...she backs down. She was telling my brother the same thing in Texas, he started telling everyone that she was moving and she kept arguing that she was just thinking about it...he said it got her to stop talking about it. Thus, it is all attention seeking and we just aren't playing along. I know now why my parents argued all the time. My dad was just dealing with her all the time, I also know why they had separate checking accounts as well.

The feedback everyone leaves does not provide an answer, even the answers are not answers for her, but I DO appreciate and I know others do as well, that we are not in this alone and the feelings that cause frustration or guilt are not of our own doing.

Obviously I love her or she would not be living with me, I have just learned to ignore her annoying behaviors and respond when it is a sensible concern or request she is making. How annoying when she knocks on our bedroom door to make sure everyone is home....OMG...that's another story! :)

My Mom was similar too, when we started living together. It was quite an adjustment for both of us! She wanted to do EVERYTHING with me, like best buddies. I, as her daughter, wanted to do my own thing and be free to come and go as I pleased, but be there to help her when needed . Well, it's been several years now and I'm still here. Like a captain who will go down with the ship, rather than jump off. And, I'm proud of myself for staying the course, even though there have been sacrifices.
Looking back, though, I could have been more assertive about going out and doing my own activities, in a kind way. So that's what I'm working on now, carving out some time for myself and making new friends. I want to make friends with others who are doing the caregiving thing like I am, so we'll have that in common.

sbil,
You say the feedback here is not helping you. What do you want to hear? To me, that comment means you already have an idea of what you want to do and are looking for someone here to confirm it for you. Is that correct?

I understand what you mean when you say that. You want someone to HEAR your frustration, really LISTEN to you, and then give you the RIGHT ANSWER.

"Feelings that cause frustration or guilt are not of our own doing"--yes, they are.
YOU decide to feel guilty or frustrated, just as not taking action to change your situation with your Mother is your doing, as well. You may love her, but you have much resentment of her. It comes through in your words. You are creating more guilt and frustration for YOURSELF in the FUTURE by treating her the way you are. After she is gone, you will remember the snippy comments you made to her, and wonder how she might have felt when you "ignored her knocks on your door".

Do something to make yourself happy and provide her with a better place to live so you can have enjoyable visits a couple of times a week, instead of resenting her and stressing yourself perhaps to some illness in the future.

Does this feedback help you at all? Most people who reply are thinking of their own situation, and that triggers their own frustration, which leads to them to NOT giving you the feedback YOU want. I have already done it, so I have no further frustration and am happy with my decision. I hope you will do the same.

Hmmmmm....I find it interesting that you so need to lecture me. My statement was based on the fact that there are only a couple of suggestions given, of which I have indeed greatly appreciated, internalized and tried. Indeed, I know that my ability to understand is limited considering I am only working on PhD. I was merely encouraging people to continue venting their frustrations, like I have been able to since this is normally a supportive and empatheic environment.

I will not validate your analyzation of me with any further discussion due to your lack of knowledge of my personal circumstances or family dynamics. I know that I am relationship challenged and should truly listen to you considering I have been married a total of one time for 30 years to the same man (who totally supports my mother living with us) and my children and grandchildren live so close and come to visit so often. As for my happienss, I have not been any happier in my life than I am at this very moment.

Who's lecturing? I answered your question honestly. If it struck a nerve, maybe it's the truth. You just want to whine and complain: a bad habit. Finding a resolution involves taking a stand, then taking action. Sorry you don't like my idea.

Christina
Your e-mail to sbil was nothing but a sarcastic lecture, that I was even taken back by it when I read it!!!
Apparently you have never been a caretaker of an elderly parent and if so well then alls I can say is I am glad it wasn't me you were taking care of with that uncompationate razor sharp attitude. People don't come here for that! We come here to support on another, not tear down one another!!!
So on that note Ms Insensative I think you should do one of two things, either get off this site or appologize to sbil for this horable act of such unkindness.

Nothing sarcastic about it. But I understand your point; my opinions have had this effect on others who don't know how to move beyond their problems.

sskape2..yes, I too am trying to not be snide with her since I know I cannot change her, I have to change what I do in response to her. We do sit down and talk, don't get me wrong. When my brother lost his leg...she kept blaming herself for his alcoholism and smoking. I told her that our children make their choices and all we can do as parents is love them through it...as she and dad always did with his drinking and smoking. We were both adopted at birth and we always knew he was prone to drinking and smoking and they did everything they could to dissuade him. She finally felt that her and dad did indeed do all they could and love him in-spite of his decisions.
It is just really nice when she goes and does her things and I can go and do mine. It's just getting her back into the groove of going and doing when she returns from my brothers house.
Yes, there are many sacrifices and I would not have it any other way. She always sacrificed so much for me. She did say the other day that now she knew how her mother felt after she moved in with mom and dad. :)

Thank you claw10. It is SOOOO nice to have others who empathize and sincerely care about helping.

sbil
You are very welcome!
Gosh the more I read your e-mails the more I feel we have in commin. I also have a brother who has alcohol and drug problems. That I know has tore my mother up for years over him. Neither her or my Dad were ever drinkers. The most I ever saw them drink was at my wedding and that may have been 2-3 glasses of wine.
He is such a peace of work and when I think of the h-ll he has put her through over the years, I get so angry to think of the pain in the family he has caused and he'll just sit back like he is clueless and act like what I have I done? He also smokes like freight train. But you can't say a thing against him to my Mom and I understand the unconditional love a Mother has for her child. I am not tryng to take a thing from her on that issue, but when she wants to bring him into my home, then I do have a problem with that!! We've had many discussions on this. Even on a short stay. He lives in another state, and this is what I have told her! He can come to see her but he must stay at a motel and he can visit with her and take her out dinner and then go back to a motel!
But when he does come, she sets him up right here against my better wishes!! I feel like at that point she is disrespecting me and my home and that creates even more tension between us!!
So that is why, among what I am already dealing with, I am at this point seeking some help for assisted living for her.
I like you know I can't change her at this point in her life. Alls I was asking for in return from her, for all the years I gave back to her in caring for her (18yrs) was to respect me and my wishes. I know she has always been there for me through my younger years and the support she gave when I needed it, and I appreciated her being there for me and I still do to today when I think back on it. But the key thing is and was, I showed her back the repect I felt she deserved as a Mom for being there for me.
And now I feel that is not asking to much from me to her to just respect MY wishes now and stop hovering, stop trying to be so controlling and to stop bringing things onto me that I don't to happen in my life, like my brother staying here, instead of in a motel.
So that is why I am at this point.

christina28, If people knew how to move beyond their problems they wouldn't be on this site asking for help. My question is, if you have all the answers why are you still on this site? Go start a blog, get a TV show, write a book, we could all then be enlightened by you knowledge.

claw10 we are living in parallel worlds. I can so empathize with you dilemma about what to do with your mother. Mom and I had such an in-depth discussion about her - of all things - not folding our clothes and towels. She gets my husbands and my clothes all mixed up and I have a glass door on our towels storage - so you see the towels when they are put away. I like them a certain way...I just do not want her to do them - I have to go back and take them all out and re- do them. My husband has some specific towels he uses to work out with - we went on a search for them last night - they were in the wrong place. I know it is SOOOOOO small, but I have asked her for two years to not do anything with our laundry - she is not our maid and it is our responsibility anyway. Our daily searches for laundry items does get quite old. So, I understand, if they would just respect the few requests ... of which there are FEW...I sincerely do not believe there would be rifts.
I'm sorry, she is still my mother and as a daughter, we do tend to expect more from our mothers than other people in life or we were not close to begin with. My mother and I have ALWAYS been very close, just like my daughter and I - who by the way tells me when I get on her nerves and we just go on.
Well, if nothing else, we have been brought together for some reason. Keep me posted and I will you. :)

You rock madge1 !!!! I was thinking that myself.

An affectionate, toilet-trained cat would be nice.

sbil, Oh yes! I hear ya also on the laundry detail took me in the beginning when she first came to live us,nearly 3)yrs to stop my Mom from going into our bedroom getting our laundry doing it. She would do it while I was at work and just like you, I have my own way of folding, washing and putting the clothes up. I tried to be gental with her to start with, by telling her I appreciate her wanting to help around the house but this is our responsibility. Ya know it was similar to the approach you used with your Mom. Finally I had to get firm with her to leave our laundry alone and to stay out of our bedroom when we are not home! It was making me uncomfortable with her doing that!
Well, finally she stopped it! But why did she keep doing that and being so persistant when I asked several? Then finally I have to hurt her feelings to get her to stop it. It has over time been that way on many things with her.
Well, speaking of work I have to get ready now to go!

I will stay in touch

I do as much as I can for my mother, see her one day every week as well as take to Drs. appointments and call her everyday, but it's never enough to satisfy her. It's like she makes her children responsible for her happiness and wants us to feel guilty for the lack thereof. She lives in a retirement community, but still is lonely because she has never gotten used to being without a mate. How much time do most adult children spend with their elderly parents?

.... and then it was over! Well, I enjoyed reading this site until the last few posts :) I was relieved to see there were many others out there suffering the same 'stress' as I. "Talking" to others who are going through the same thing is usually helpful; concrete answers or advice aren't always necessary, which I think was evident toward the end of the thread. Good luck to all of you :)

my comment above was in reference to the Christina May 12th related posts - sorry, I jumped ahead (actual last few comments were fine, of course!). I thought someone reading my comment would wonder what in the world I was talking about!

Yes, Elizabeth, I figured that was what you were talking about...got kind of testy there for a while.

my boyfriends mom stays with us off and on. shes 83 and in good health. she had been evaluated and is fine with a bit of memory loss. the problem is , she is too healthy for a nursing home. she wants to be old and have her children keep her and care for her like she had her mom years ago.she refuses to do anymore cooking, which she stopped doing for herself when her husband passed away 10 yrs. ago. she tries real hard to make us believe she has dementia, by telling us all the time. she is a very good manipulater and pretends things she doesn't remember to get her own way. her perfect world is to have just her 3 grown children and her live together. she feels its owed her because she brought them up and also cared for her mom and all kids should take on the responsibilty of caring for their elderly parents. she is spoiled and pampered when we have her but is always complaining she wants god to take her and all old ppl should be shot.she plays the poor me card all the time.the oldest sister took her out of her apt when a friend passed away suddenly because she refused to stay alone but she also took all responsibilites away too. her chkbook, bills etc. so shes upset on where her money is going and whats going on.this daughter is her executor, the 2nd daughter wants no part of things because of the 1st daughter and the son is in the middle w me trying to figure what would be best but has no say in it because the daughter in charge is so controlling and secretive of everything. she just wants some relief when its convenient to her.i think shes abusing her rights as executor with her mothers income, but now getting tired of her. its hard to know whether the mom is telling the truth when she tells us things like the daughter yells at her all the time and tells her to get out. we are waiting for an opening to assisted living but shes getting more and more irritated about that decision too.she is usually pretty good w me until her son comes home. then she makes it sound like i dont ask her if shes hungry adn im mean to her.how do we handle her little games and theatrical acts to get her way.i think she is def depressed and i am sure the 1st daughter s reasons for keeping her mom is just financial. she makes her pay rent and pay for other luxuries she wants for herself and home. how do we stop this type of behavior of deceit and secrecy and still help the mother without legal action to cause her more heartache???

You know, it seems that people have all these needs and desires, but they don't have the balance, self-control and good reasoning abilities that would help them fulfill their own needs and desires.

Additionally, I think that parents are used to having things their own way in their relationships with their children. Parents condition their children to do whatever the parent says or likes. They mentally condition their children to constantly be in pursuit what the parent would like or enjoy, but they do not reciprocate in any way. For example, you're being a "good boy or girl" when you make mommy happy. They wrongly enforce this sentiment when we are children, and they expect it to remain in place when we are adults. Additional sentiments seem to be, "You should do this or that because I like it. See to my needs but don't expect gratitude. Do things my way and the way I say you should because I personally prefer it. Give me what I want, and don't bother telling me about what you want." It is utterly selfish and unhealthy.

The only solution I have been able to come up with is to set definite bounds and stick to them. I try to do it gently, but I do it. I remind my mother, for example, that I'm not failing her when I don't call her anymore than she is failing me when she doesn't call me. The phone--and life--works both ways.

you are so right about pushing your parents away, did the siblings forget
who took care of them, I took care of my mother and she is gone now
but I will miss her and I am not sorry for taking care of her, it was a
pleasure