Like many here, I am at my wit's end. My mom is going to be 91 and is physically in pretty good shape. That's the irony because she is in the mid stage of dementia. She looks great and can still carry on conversations with people and if you didn't know her you would think she was a charming older woman with lots of style. But.....she refuses to take the Namenda the doctor has prescribed and then says I told her to stop and then totally denies that she ever said it when we go for her checkup. She is in total denial that there is anything wrong with her. It's not she who has misplaced her keys but someone (usually me...I'm an only child of 61) who has stolen them. I think the constant accusations of stealing are getting to me. I feel abused. She is under the belief that the neighbor downstairs (who isn't really a very pleasant person) is controlling her refrigerator and turning it on and off and sending up bad smells to her apartment. I've told her that even if she's 100% correct, there's nothing she can do if she can't prove it. Her "rationale" is that when someone is there, he doesn't do anything. I've asked her to move in with me but she says she couldn't live with me because I'm moody and I steal. I don't know what to do. She lives a couple of buildings down from me but now I'm moving a mile away and I can't get anyone to "help" her because, as she says "there's nothing wrong with me". Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am so stressed right now since I'm in the middle of packing my apartment and there is no one else to help
Agree with earlier advices posted.
Don't take any paranoia, accusations, anger or outbursts, lies, personally. We've all been through it and it's painful, irritating and sad --but I can tell you, it's a universal behavior of this disease.
Do some reading up on dementia and Alzheimer's --there are many good books and you will feel better and gain some insights into your loved one and gain handy tips on how to handle and react.
My mom has gone as far as calling police on me, threatening a lawyer etc. when she believed I stole some things, gas-lighted her, hired terrorist attack, etc.
Drs placed her on several meds over time including Namenda, Aricept, Antidepreesants, anti-anxiety, sleeping pills, etc. I felt she was over medicated and wasn't managing her meds anyway (she lives alone with no help) and finally she just stopped taking all meds and refused to take any. And, after about 6 months, her episodes, angry outbursts and craziness actually got better and less frequent and she improved alertness and personally managing herself. She's 92 and not perfect...but we all agree she is much better off these meds. I'm not advocating for everyone, just giving my experience.
If she is tired, stressed, malnourished, dehydrated, then yes, she may lash out at me, lie, accuse me of stealing, etc. I ignore the behavior, let her rant and I don't argue with her...I just tell her, I love her, wouldn't do the behavior she's accused me of and then I excuse myself away for the rest of the day or overnight and we start over the next day. Most times she doesn't remember and I don't bring it up. I consider each day a fresh start with her and it has changed my life. I'm much more patient and she is much less on edge since I'm not correcting her or making her second guess herself.
She knows she is slipping a little and I don't need to remind her. I try to make each day count and make her feel normal and important. After all, isn't that what we all want?
When one is a caregiver, especially 24/7,"Caregiver Burnout" is very real. VERY REAL.
Being a caregiver, a medical professional, & having the skills to deal with all this goes down the drain @ times. When you are told that your "nuts" all the time, what I call "being the enemy", I have found myself lost & alone.
This is a good site to share information on. This is a good site for compassion & relating to others who also are dealing with the same issues.
If nothing more~Know you are not alone in your journey, even when you're alone~you're not~
Blessings to you both.
It is a difficult path to walk~~Sometimes I RUN AWAY~not often but I have 3X over the past 14 years.
While your hands are tired without a medical POA from having the doctor talk with you about her dementia, nothing legally can keep you from informing the doctor that she is not taking her meds. I would call the neurologist office today and tell them that your mother has stopped taking her meds.
Until you can get a neurologist and or a gerontologist to diagnose her as incompetent, you are not even in a position to file for guardianship which you really need to have for your mother now.
This is quite a mess and I wish you the best. Call the neurologist's office this afternoon and tell them that she is not taking her medicine. They should have some ideas about how to proceed. I hope they would have encountered something like this before.
I do have POA for my mother, thank goodness. However, like your mother, she refuses to admit there is any problem. One document that I worked hard to get was a simple letter from her doctor stating that she was no longer able to handle her daily finances, make decisions about her estate, etc. I think that once you have this, you can then discuss further with an elder care attorney, and he can direct you further. Good luck.
And Double-Dog-Ditto to Babalou -- Do NOT bring your mother into your home.
If your mom has dementia, you need to be clear with her doctor about what her impairments are and what level of care she needs. I'm hoping that this is a geriatrics doctor that is seeing her; many Internists are totally clueless about the needs of dementia patients. If you have a signed HIPAA form, you can go and talk to the doctor on your own about mom; otherwise, send him a note before her appointment about what you've observed and ask him to discuss with both of you what her needs are. Most elders will listen to what a doctor says. Us "kids"? what do we know? We're just trying to steal their money, right! Her suspiciousness and paranoia seem to me to be an indication that her dementia is advancing and she may need meds to address those symptoms. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. And call her doctor today. Good luck!!!!
Have you called to ask the doctor's nurse what to do about the denial and refusal to take the medication? She just might need more oversight that you can realistically give her at this point..
I would like to hear what others have to say, but not many are around at this time of night.
Please keep in touch. I wish you the best.