I met Debbie about 6 months ago. She was being abused by a childhood friend who was living in her home and stealing from her.
She is only 62 but you couldn't tell by looking at her or her mobility issues.
My husband and I took a liking to her and would visit and bring food occasionally so when she asked us to move in to look out for her we quickly agreed unaware of what we were getting ourselves into.
We're a young newly wed couple. I'm 25 he's 33. We are also expecting our first child (I'm about to pop in 3 weeks) and we felt it would be "easy" to just add Debbie to the list of responsibilities and save some money along the way.
Upon moving in we realized this was NOT the case at all. We gave up our privacy and freedom as we quickly fell into this role of 24 hr caregiving.
I mean it never ended! To the point the lady would knock on our door at 3am for simple necessities that could've obviously waited for better timing. Multiple trips to the store with a list of 3 to 4 things that had SUCH URGENCY! Cleaning after 2 big dogs which weren't ours not to mention the cleaning of fecies and urine on a daily basis.
The sad part is Debbie isn't that old but her health is declining in ways that it shouldn't be at 62. She has no children and most of her family is deceased. We've tried to help in all ways possible from buying her crafts, clothes that fit, making sure she has all her meds and food she likes all to go unappreciated and swept under the rug when a new idea hits her brain.
After living with her for 6 months now we discovered she has a horrible drinking problem coupled with substance abuse.
The woman get a nice SS check each month for it to be gone in a week and then she depends on us financially for her alcohol and household needs.
It's starting to put a strain on our relationship as we have no private time anymore plus we debate over how to fix the problems with her. He wants to just shut her up and keep her in her room by giving her what she wants and I prefer to try to do healthy things like limiting her alcohol and setting boundaries and creating a schedule for her.
The problem is she has friends who stop by who will give her illegal drugs and who knows what else and she then gets so inebriated I end up having to pick her up off the floor or clean the house as she will have accidents and not even realize it or laugh about it. (I'm 9 months pregnant mind you)
I cook, I clean, take care of her dogs, manage her bills, take her to the dr, pick her meds, and entertain as much as I can but lately due to the pregnancy I've been in pain and trying to take care of myself only to be snapped at for what I don't do.
I'm starting to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. I'm having feelings of anger and spite towards her as she isn't even my family or related to me and I do more for her than my own grandmother (whose 70 yrs old and is starting to decline as well) although she does live states away.
I have this burning agitation and frustration with her and I can't figure out if its the substance abuse or if she really is losing her mind. I've recently just stopped. I go to the store on a certain day and ignore her to a T.
Where my husband works long days doing house restoration I'm home a lot stuck with her and its making me have crazy thoughts or anger but also I feel bad. It's a sad situation and now upon us saving enough to move since we are expecting a baby I worry as she doesn't have anyone else.
I've been robbed of my nesting time and just enjoying being pregnant and getting everything in order as she's so demanding and rude and slick at the mouth.
I've also been robbed of this last little time with my husband before we have a child to take care of (this is our first child) and the romance is gone.
I don't know what to do anymore as everything this woman does is a health hazard and I worry about mine and babies health as the incontinence is outta control and she smokes in house.
Any kind advice for young new caregiver?
You said you keep getting scammed and taken advantage of. And you are. The good news is, you recognize this happens. So, let's look at how this keeps happening, at least from the info you've given:
You saw a person who needed help. You stepped in and truly wanted to help her, and that is admirable. Now you see how it's all gone wrong, but you're still insisting Debbie needs help and you just can't leave her. You've gotten attached these past few months, even with her issues. Does she serve as something of a mother figure for you, physically present but emotionally absent? Did you grow up in an unstable home?
Your husband is 8 years older. Not a HUGE difference, but life in your mid-20s is a lot different than your mid-30s. I wasn't super responsible at 25 myself. If you're newlyweds, you either married because you were pregnant, or got pregnant very soon afterwards-- either way, doesn't sound like this was planned. Surprises can be wonderful beginning of a new family, but being married AND becoming a parent in such a short time are huge changes. If he truly loved you and had priorities straight, he would have gotten his act together about two seconds after you told him you're pregnant. Sh*t doesn't get more real than this.
He'd have gotten you out of that house and given the landlord hell until those keys were in his hand. He'd do anything to make sure his wife and kid were in a safe, stable home. Not be content for all of you to live in this house and let Debbie do whatever, just to keep the peace. As Barb mentioned, it looks like you're doing this alone. He's working and that's awesome, but in every other respect he's not interested and you feel powerless to say "no". In some ways he's already left you to fend for yourself. If becoming a husband and father hasn't motivated him to get in gear, nothing else will. And I'm sorry to say it, but it's not likely he will be with you 5, 10, 15 years down the road. I know that is harsh and I hope I am wrong. Because you and your baby deserve better than this.
The common thread here is you wanting to help others (which is great) but you keep finding people who walk all over you (not great). It sounds like you have love to give; it's just going to the wrong people. There is a hole in your heart you need fill, and only you can know what caused it. It's okay; we all have these empty places.
Do you feel like crappy treatment is what you deserve on some level? That ANYONE by you is still better than no one at all? Maybe it's too scary to separate yourself from not-so-good people, because then you lose what little love you've been able to get. And the baby is a godsend, because now you will have the unconditional given/received love you've wanted for so long?
Would you want your baby to have the life you have now when they turn 25?
If it's a girl, would you want her to marry someone like your husband?
If it's a boy, would you want him to be just like your husband?
I know I've asked a zillion questions and you don't have to answer them here, or ever. Just stuff to ponder.
PS: If your doctor recommends meds after the baby, please consider their advice. Depression can't be willed away. No need to be afraid of meds you need. You wouldn't withhold medicine your baby needed because you "don't believe" in it, right? Same with mental health. It's real and can be treated!
We'd love an update.