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I hate this disease, dementia. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Mom called me this morning and we spoke briefly on Facetime. She asked, once again, when my brother and I would deliver the lounge bed she ordered. I have no idea what she is talking about. I try to console myself with the knowledge that she is safe where she is, in assisted living, and fairly comfortable. But I find myself grieving just about every day.

Besides guilt, and besides grief, there’s another G word, and it’s gratitude. Gratitude that she is, after all, in a place that keeps her warm and safe. Gratitude that there are funds to pay for it. Gratitude that there is now a whole team to care for her. It’s the best that anyone could do.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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We all hate this disease. Dementia sucks the life and soul out of the person that has it, the family and friends.
She is safe that is the important thing.
funkygrandma59 is right on with the "fiblets"
Back order
Can't be delivered until next week
They ordered the wrong color
And here is an idea...
If she is wanting to replace a couch or chair in her room get a cover for it. When she is at lunch or at an activity cover what she has with the new cover and she may think that she has a new piece of furniture.
Rejoice in the fact that she can still call you and talk to you. My Husband was nonverbal the last 7 or so years of his life so if he said even 1 word I would have been happy.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Dementia is HORRIBLE. I’ve been dealing w/my mom’s for 8 years. She’s now lingering in moderate/severe ( leaning more severe ) for a long time.

I’ve found the phrase, “ Everything is pre-arranged” to be very very helpful. “ No worries, the payment for lunch is pre-arranged”, “ The schedule for the family roller skating party is pre-arranged”, “ The lounge bed logistics are pre-arranged, it’s just a slow process…” etc…that kind of thing. May have to repeat the phrase but it often works for me.

Best to you…
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Reply to Madisoncuckoo7
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I think we all grieve(d) the loss of our loved one with dementia long before they actually pass, which is why it's called "the long goodbye". To watch a person lose more and more of their mind every day is even worse than watching them lose their strength and coordination. Although watching my father die from a brain tumor was dreadful also, I must say. The death process in old age is what takes a terrible toll on us "children" because we've always seen our parents as strong, invincible creatures there to protect US. Now that the roles are reversed, it's a sad and grief inducing situation.

My mother died at 95 from advanced dementia and CHF after 6 years of a progressive downhill slide with the dementia. I cried every time i saw her for a visit in Memory Care Assisted Living. I didnt try to stop the tears either, I just let them flow. Same with my father who was devastated by the brain tumor which rendered him immobile at the end. It tugged at my heart to watch them fall apart, knowing there was nothing I could do to fix the situation this time. Only God could intervene and end their suffering at that point.

I'm sorry for your pain. It's the price of love, Wheat. May you find peace along the way for yourself.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Of course you're grieving, and all of us that have been through or are still going through caring for someone with dementia HATE IT!!!
When mom asks where her lounge bed is just tell her that it's on backorder and you will let her know when it comes in. Eventually she'll be on to something else.
You must learn little "fiblets" to keep her and you calm.
I'm glad to hear that at least your mom is in assisted living so that the brunt of her care is not on you. That is a blessing for sure.
You're going to be ok, as this too shall pass.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Anticipatory Grief - it's real thing.

Back in early 2020 it would hit me. I would almost be sick to my stomach with grief over my Mother, and here she is still chugging along at 97.

Anyway, what you're feeling is a normal part of watching your Mother go through that slow decline called dementia.

I wish you peace.
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Reply to southiebella
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Remember that you are making the right decision for your mom's care. I too have been grieving for my mom who is in a facility. We are not given a set of instructions for what's to come later on in life. These dementia challenges take us through a whole range of emotions, but you must take care of your mental and physical health too. The emotions will cause your blood pressure to go up. We want to remember the good memories. Your pain will eventually subside. Try to do things that you enjoy. Have a purpose. Life is so short, so make the most of it!
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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When I'm feeling upset or unsettled I make myself do something productive. Since you don't have your profile filled out, I will suggest that you make sure your Mom's legal ducks are in a row: that she has a PoA assigned (before she gets too far gone cognitively), an Advance Healthcare Directive, Will, etc. I'm hoping she already has this in place.

If you are her PoA and, if you haven't already done this, read it to see what is required to activate the authority. Usually it's 1 official medical diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment. Make sure you get this done so you don't have to do it in a crisis.

A certified elder law attorney will determine, during an appointment with her, whether she has legal capacity or not. The bar is low so don't presume she doesn't meet it.

Everything about dementia is hard. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
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Reply to Geaton777
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So sorry wheat, I completely understand, mom doesn't have server dementia, but I took her out yesterday to are local Apple orchard and then are local dairy store. As I was doing it I was thinking and remembering last year and how much easier it was, and how her health is failing, and there may very well not be a next year.

Every thing I do with her now, I'm thinking this may be are last time.

It's hard and it stinks, but it's life.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Anxietynacy Sep 14, 2024
I will also add, that I'm learning better how to compartmentalize these issues better, in a more mentally healthy way.

By accepting, this is what happens, we are not alone, let myself be sad when I am, but also how to put it out of my mind and enjoy my life.

Because all of are life's are short, every day we have is one less day. And I try not to ruin that day I have , by worrying about something that I have no power over.
(6)
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Though your mom is still with you physically, this quote I read recently on James Clear’s newsletter came to mind when I read your post.

Writer Heidi Priebe on love and grief: 

"As long as there is love, there will be grief. The grief of time passing, of life moving on half-finished, of empty spaces that were once bursting with the laughter and energy of people we loved. 
As long as there is love there will be grief because grief is love's natural continuation. It shows up in the aisles of stores we once frequented, in the half-finished bottle of wine we pour out, in the whiff of cologne we get two years after they've been gone.
Grief is a giant neon sign, protruding through everything, pointing everywhere, broadcasting loudly, "Love was here." In the finer print, quietly, "Love still is."

https://jamesclear.com/3-2-1/September-19-2024
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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