My 90 year old father is being released from the hospital after suffering from a mild stroke, he also has dementia. My grown children and I are planning on alternating stays so he has 24 hr care when he is released. I want to keep him in his home as long as possible but am worried about personal hygiene. The nursing staff has told me that he now needs moderate help with toilet/showering. How can I ask my sons to have to clean their grandfather after restroom breaks? Nor can I bring in an outside agency every my father needs cleaned. I don't know what to do. My father has always feared being "stuck" in a nursing home and I want to honor his wishes, but is it fair to expect my children to be able to handle this type of care?
Cleaning up a person after they urinate and/or defecate is not pleasant. If you have daughters who would have to do this, it’s really off-putting. Because he has dementia, he may not be very cooperative. My mother was combative. If you don’t understand what dementia does to a person, it makes life miserable.
Do a rethink about this. I understand not wanting to “be stuck in a nursing home”, but your father was being unfair to you when he asked you for that promise.
It's been a rough road and now it looks like she'll need to go anyway.
If we could only see in the future!
If I had known my life would not be my own, I would not have offered. Ignorance is not bliss!!
Please do research as to the mental and physical stamina one needs to do this type of care indefinitely.
1. No, it is not fair to expect your children or even yourself to handle cleaning your father, deal with dementia and aftermath of stroke and potential future worse strokes.
2. Bless you for wanting to keep him in his home, but I guarantee you need to look at skilled nursing facilities, because you are not going to be able to handle his needed care, manage his life and yours, and you will grow resentful and angry, as will your sons, of being expected to make huge sacrifices to care for him. Say goodbye to vacations, time off, your own health and well being, and some relationships because you will become engulfed in 24 hour care.
3. If your father was able to tell you, would he want to have his family having to clean him and make these sacrifices?
I have done all I can for my parents, and I have been clear I will not cross a certain line for them. They understand this and have given up the idea that they will leave us kids an inheritance as they will need their money to care for them in their last years.
I wish you peace and love - and you are an angel if you can take this task on.
Yes my husband has had terrible anger fits at the 15 yr old but it doesn't deter him. He loves his grandpa and does not understand the disease process but accepts him as he is. I don't think it is too much to ask your sons but the decision should be theirs without pressure or guilt put on them. As I said each family and each person is different. Good luck.
My dad has been more of a father to my two 23 year old boys than their real father so I guess that's why when I started looking at care homes my boys volunteered to change their work schedules to help care for him. Before the stroke I didn't see as much as a problem with it, now, it's a game changer. Before I mainly had to deal with the dementia which I think only those who have personally dealt with can understand. Experiencing someone you love turning into this person that you can't recognize is heartbreaking and upsetting.
The nursing staff at the rehab facility he is in currently say he is a fall risk and needs to be in a facility. However he has fallen 3 times while in their care so it's ironic that they are telling me this to dissuade me from caring for him at home.
I have shared all the responses to my post with my sons. We are bringing dad home this Friday and are going to give this a 3 week trial run to see if we can handle this while keeping dad safe and healthy and maintaining our sanity. I am also visiting two highly rated care homes this week just to be prepared should this not work. I've carried so much guilt and worry for the past 6-8 months that at this point I'm finally realizing that I (and my sons) are doing all we can. If this isn't enough then I will do my best to find the best care for dad and hopefully be able to accept my limitations. Thank you to all, it is wonderful to have people who know what you are going through and understand what it does to your life.
Every patient is different. What works for my Dad may not work for yours. My Dad is not suited to nursing home care at present because he has Frontotemporal Dementia and acts out in unacceptable ways when he is cooking a UTI. As UTIs are so prevalent in long-term nursing home care facilities they do not even test for them, let alone treat them, he would have to zombified with deathly psychotropic drugs to even be accepted, so that is simply not an option for us. By the way, the two rehab facilities were the highest-rated in our area. Long-term care in a nursing home might work well for your father.
Edited to add: As for the toileting issue, I thought once that I could simply not do that (helping my mother with that was one thing, but my father? Eww!). No, it is not pleasant, and it does feel really icky at first, especially with an opposite-sex parent, but you can get used to just about anything. It's really no more gross or icky than doing it for a baby -- or for yourself, for that matter. We all pee and poop, after all. Once you get used to it, that is. A Cat Genie (if you only need it for wipes) or a Diaper Genie (if needed for soiled briefs as well) can really cut down on the "ick factor" not to mention the odor and trips to the outside garbage can.
Should I ever come to realize that I have begun slipping into dementia my intention is to stop taking all meds and cease all medical care so as allow mother nature to take me sooner than might happen were I to continue receiving healthcare. I would rather pass while I still had some dignity than to live on without it. For me not being able to bath and toilet myself would represent a total loss of dignity.
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