Hi,
New here.
My Father passed a few months ago. Parents married for nearly 56 years. Not the best relationship but they dealt. He was verbally abusive & my Mom suffered from that daily causing stress confusion.
She stayed with me for a few months after his passing to help cope & deal with her confusion hoping it would get better.
My brother who has been absent from their lives for many years due to him & my Father not getting along - came to see my Mom at my house the day my father passed, the day we went to the funeral home to make arrangements & one other time sorta called out forced visit. Other than that in 4 months has only seen his Mom 3 times, & called a handful times, but "text bullied me" many times demanding we go to Mom's house to go thru the papers. Which I refused always stating "Moms grief and life is more important right now, don't you think".
So, I became very protective of her knowing he had other motives. My brother and his wife are sharks, show boaters. They buy and sell homes, etc. and are proud to boast their wealth. We, just live like normal people. I quietly with my Mom went pulled the papers needed, got her to an attorney, got a will done, a Ladybird Deed on the house naming me, and am her Financial POA and Medical POA. Financial is immediate. Over the past several years I've been my parents sorta main advocate since my Father alienated most everyone from their lives.
I finally had my Mom to a point where she could go home and live on her own her confusion seemed to be a little better, but I know she will eventually have have assistance or more. I gave her back her car to drive after putting a tracker on it and testing her where she lives to drive to the store and back. My brother never knew she was back at home for a few weeks. It wasn't his business I figured. During the entire time she stayed with me no one ever offered to have my Mom at their house overnight, take her for a day to help me out. In fact, even her sis or brother only offered to taker her to lunch. ITS all been me. I have a full time job I work from home and dealing with her in my small home had been such a stress struggle with her confusion.
He found out last week she was at home by text and got mad. But BAM next day he called her. And, he and his wife were up there the next day to take her to "dinner". I have Ring cameras set up all over the house for her security. I let her have her privacy I check in on the cameras breakfast lunch and dinner that's the deal. I don't sit and watch her.
He went up there, and they sat & talked but I saw the video of it all. He saw the cameras gave a sneer and a condescending wave. - then I saw him ask her for Dads precious collection of a few items which she told me she wouldn't let him have they were placed in the will. Then they went into the garage. The items in the garage were left to him also. She told them to "take whatever they wanted" as it was such a mess. They dove in like "vultures" His wife smiled at the garage camera and said hi to me.
Note they have no idea about the will, or POA, L.Deed.
My brother is coming back on Wednesday with his son - to collect the rest of the items. I told my Mom you need to write on the will you gave those items to him. Just give him the remaining. I said and tell him you don't want anything cleaned out til Spring. Tell him we will do it "as a family" I said you are the matriarch. She wrote it down all over. But I don't think she has the strength to step up to him.
I believe my brothers intent is to clear the house out, get the house somehow & put her in a home. She falls under his spell. When they left she went back in the condition she was the first month after my father passed - crying, asking me where my Father was, was he cremated? Did we have a funeral service.
My brother has no contact with me, only demands via text. I don't know what to do. But my anxiety and stress is exploding.
Any suggestions?
TIA!
I waited too late & my sibling had my mom sign every single thing over to him when she had originally had everything 50/50. He kept harassing her until she did what he wanted. At that age they just want peace.
Some people are just greedy & controlling & want it all. Best wishes to you.
Too many people seem to think that once one parent is gone, it's OK to start pilfering through all the jointly-owned belongings of both parents.
You need to stop this immediately, and keep all those videos from the cameras. Get Mom into some kind of care situation, because she is not competent to make decisions and as others have said, your brother may very well coerce her into changing her power of attorney to him.
See an Elder Care attorney, I guess, as that'd be your best bet. Keep mom's best interests at heart and really, who cares about the 'stuff' in the garage? If your mother is crying and asking you where dad is, and if he was cremated and if you had a funeral service, her dementia is further along than you realize. And not likely to 'get better' either. She should NOT be driving ANYWHERE, not even up the street to the store. She can easily get lost and you'll be getting a call from the police one day, God forbid, with who knows what kind of message?
The ideal situation would be for you and your brother to work together to find the best solution for mom; for him to take some things as mementos from her home and for you to take the rest. Divvy up the belongings and be done with that matter asap. Then focus on what to do with mom moving forward and to best care for her: in home caregivers or managed care? Where will the $$$ come for that care? Etc etc. This is where the CELA attorney is very helpful and can guide you, even about Medicaid qualifiers should that need arise.
It's very difficult to have a toxic sibling to deal with. Remember you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, so think about what steps you can take to smooth out this relationship with him, even if it means you make more compromises than he does. It'll be for MOM'S sake only that you take the high road. With advice from the lawyer, of course.
BEST OF LUCK.
I suggest you focus on Mom and yourself and let go of the hostility. Letting go of your resentments will help bring peace into your life. Blocking him on the phone will force him to e-mail you and then you have everything in writing which can be shown to a judge who can order a cease and desist and trespassing/restraining order.
If she has dementia and needs placement, it would be good to get her a social worker who can fill out the Medicaid forms to see what the financial requirements will be, especially spend down requirements: the house should be her financial security for her life-long care. Adult Protective Services can help you get mom the protection she needs.
I myself think time is quite near, if not HERE, that your Mom needs 24/7 care. Greedy children seldom put their parent into care, as the money is eaten up quite quickly. It may be your brother's opinion that you Mom needs to be in 24/7 care at this point. Frankly I myself shudder at the idea of her being able to drive, in your opinion, but only to store and back. This is how my brother was diagnosed, after a serious accident.
I think if you cannot work together with your brother and he is as determined as you say, your POA is worthless. You cannot use it against your Mom's wishes while she is well enough, and you have left her on her own which indicates she IS well enough to make all her own decisions.
I honestly don't know what to tell you. When you tell your bro you are her POA then he can ask Mom to make him POA and you won't be anymore. You say your Mom told him to take what he wants. She likely is finished with all that stuff.I would see an elder law attorney for advice were I you. I wish you luck.
You are Moms Immediate POA and can stop brother from doing anything. You can stop him from removing anything from the house. I suggest, you get over there and take anything of value out of the house. I would take her check books and any banking info to ur house. May even ask the bank to flag Moms acct (and yours if ur name is on it) if Mom tries to withdrawal a large amt of money.
I hope you took an inventory of what he took. The Will should be adjusted if he took something in the Will. The inventory can be included in the Will.