I have asked a few questions on this forum over the last 3 years while taking care of my parent's issues. It has been very helpful reading all the answers to mine and other's questions.
As of last week my last remaining parent passed away. I am sad they are both gone but also relieved that the toll it took on me is now over.
Now the catch. While cleaning out my mom's room at AL I came across some hidden papers in her dresser. They were rolled up and doubled bagged in her sock drawer. I almost just threw them out with all the other items I was getting rid of but decided at the last second to open the bag. It turned out they are adoption papers for me and my brother. I am 57 years old and never once had any idea that I was adopted.
I'm not mad, not sad, not happy, not anything. I'm just numb. I don't really expect many answers on this forum for this particular subject since it's not really care giving related but I just had to get that out.
I did want to say thanks for all the help over the years.
I have a friend and colleague (also 57, by the way) who had a cousin's child visiting recently from their home country.
The cousin's son (an adult) said, well, it's really nice of you to let me stay here seeing as how we're not really family.
My friend said "come again?" The guy said , well you're adopted. Wait, you didn't know that?
No, my friend did NOT know that.
He's taking it well; immediately went ot 23 and Me to get his DNA done. Is researching possible relatives, to see if he can find out who is bio parents were. But he says that he had the best possible adoptive parents (they apparently realized he was gay before HE did; loved him unconditionally and allowed him, always, to be who he was. Protected him from bullying by children and teachers (he says "I was always a little fairy") and launched him into the successful human being that he is.
Just big (((((((hugs))))))) from me. I hope that you can find your way through this; if you find yourself having difficulties, please seek out counseling; there is NO need to suffer this revelation alone.
Now that you are free of caregiving, do not let this be an anchor around your neck. Now is the time to take care of YOU. Seek the counsel of a good friend, counselor or pastor. I have found a few weird things when cleaning out paper work as well, but I have decided to shred it and move on....as we cannot fix the past. We can only work on today and tomorrow. Hugs to you.
We had planned a trip to New York and just before leaving I was going to mail the final paperwork for our second child. I didn’t have a stamp and figured as soon as we returned home I would mail it.
We were in NY for 10 days and we attended mass at St. Patrick’s while there. During the prayer intentions I prayed that we would be able to adopt another child soon. I have no idea why I did this, absolutely no idea! I stopped in the middle of my silent prayer to God and told him that I was not going to limit Him, that if He wanted me to have a baby, no matter what I had been through medically (I went through hell and back, told I would never have a baby) that I was open to an adoption or biological child. Then after mass I burned a candle in church as I always do.
Absolutely loved NY, had so much fun but later became very irritable in NY! Nothing tasted right, smells got to me, etc. My brother was living there and suspected I was pregnant because I wasn’t acting like myself but didn’t dare tell me knowing all I had been through.
Came home, my friend came over to visit and told me that I looked awful, exhausted and so forth. She is a very close friend so she is comfortable being honest with me. I said to her that I was tired from the trip. She looked me dead in the eye and told me I was pregnant! I thought she was crazy. She insisted I go to the doctor. I bought a pregnancy test, was pregnant and was in shock! 7 years of fertility issues! I remembered my prayer in mass. I feel God was preparing me for being pregnant. I was already 3 months along when I went to doctor.
Horrible high risk pregnancy, I almost lost the baby, I almost died but we made it!
I volunteered at highscools to speak about adoption. I served on my local auxiliary board for years with an adoption agency. I allowed the students to ask me questions after my presentations. I wanted them to feel comfortable with me. I told them they could ask anything they wanted to ask.
Great questions from those kids! One girl said, “My aunt is 40 and having a baby. Isn’t that too old?” Haha! I was 40 but have never looked my age. I giggled and told her, no! and that I was 40 when I gave birth to my child.
But the best question that day was from a young man who asked me if I loved my biological daughter more than the one I adopted.
At first his question crushed me, (I didn’t show him his question hurt) because love is love to me and there is no difference if a child is adopted or not. I love my kids the same. I was so glad that he asked me that because I had the opportunity to share that with the class. I told him it was a smart question and I was glad to tell him the answer and that I appreciated that he wanted to ask me instead of assuming or wondering.
I miss my outreach work. I also worked with birth mothers and had them tell their side. It was healing for them. They were comfortable with me because I knew both sides, adopted a child and gave birth to a child. My love is absolutely the same for both!
You sound like an amazing son and I am sure your parents loved you. I told my daughter very young. I wish you and your brother had been told.
A long time ago some adoptive parents did not know how to handle it. People are better educated now.
I had a closed adoption because open adoption wasn’t legal then. I would have welcomed an open adoption and told my daughter if she wants to meet her birth parents that I would never see it as a threat. We are secure in our relationship.
There is no right or wrong here. Follow your heart. Be at peace.
I'm fairly new here and don't know your story with your parents, but I'll assume unless you say otherwise that they were good and loving parents. I'm sorry for your loss, but glad the toll of caregiving is over.
I wonder if your mom kept those papers because she intended to tell you one day?
Did you tell your brother yet?
I don't know what to say except to offer you a cyber hug, and remind you that adopted families are real families. Your parents chose you and your brother with the desire to love you and raise you. They will always be "your parents" just as you were always their child. Nothing changes the love you all shared for a lifetime.
Please be extra kind to yourself during this time of grief and shock with this news.
So you know God gave you this gift but not the conventional means to express it. Now, it’s the 60s. Adoption was not like it is today. As parents they were probably desperate for this outlet of love and just followed the advice of adoption counselors, family, etc. they didn’t have the same idea of psychology at that time either. I would guess “telling children they’re adopted could result in....”(add something that would have terrified your parents).
So they finally get this wonderful baby. They are overjoyed. They take great care and cross t’s and dot i’s, and their mission in life is to love you and never ever lose you because they have already lost too many children.
Fast forward through the years and they love you as flesh and blood the way any good parent does. You never notice a difference. Maybe they talk about “Should we tell them?” From time to time but fear holds them back. We might lose them! I have children. I can imagine the fear of them growing up, loving their in-laws more than us (closest thing to other parents I can imagine) and then growing farther away.
But.....your mom took care. She ensured their safety from the elements by double bagging them? Those documents signify the happiest days of her life. The day she was finally a mom. From this mom’s perspective, it was her treasure. You and your brother are her precious treasures. She kept them because they were special to her and she wasn’t ashamed but she wanted to hold on to the lie that “I am their mom. Just me. I love them, I always wanted them, and no ones going to take them away from me.”
Fast forward to more current times, she probably realized that adopted children might need or want to know about their biological families, so she kept them too, so you would have the truth and be able to do what you needed to do when the time came. I’m sure the weight of “an I doing the right thing,” and the weight of the fear of losing you was just difficult.
I can’t understand how you feel. But I am a mom. And from this perspective, you were fiercely loved. How blessed you are! :)
I think you right-guessed all these parents feelings, thoughts and concerns.
And dear mikejrexec, although I know this is naturally a shock, I think having given care for both of your parents is the greatest shock there is! (Definitely not an easy path) so at this point, if I were you, I would likely just move on, because you were indeed your parents child, the chosen, the desired, the blessing from God! as your sibling was too.
If you are curious you could attempt to find out who your blood relatives are...yet at this point, when you are so tired from all you’ve gone through, would it be worth it to put yourself through more emotional distress? Only you can answer that and decide.
But as far as who your parents were, which family do you come from, and which love covered you and your sibling as only parent’s love can, that is clear with no doubt, the two parents that raised you, who you took care of until the end and who loved you until the end, those as your parents and always will be. I think you both were the most precious gift for them.
A hug and God bless!
I “lost” an adoption when her birth mother decided to give her to another family, and the loss was like a death to me.
Breathe easy, Good Child, and cherish memories of those who loved you!
I remember my shock at age 10 when my parents revealed that Mom had been married before marrying our Dad, and that our older sisters were hers, but not his, and that he had adopted them. This meant they were not our full sisters. (We also had another brother being raised by her brother, but that's another chapter!) It took some getting used to! I wish counseling had been an option at that time, back in the 60's. Instead it was, Welp, your whole lives have been based on a lie, happy birthday, now go play.
I may be romanticizing your story a bit, but here's my take on it. I think your Mom meant for you to find those papers. The fact that they were double-wrapped indicates the care she took to protect them. But it seems to me that she must have promised someone never to tell you that you were adopted, and she kept that promise. Who was so important to her that she kept that vow to her dying day? Surely it could only have been your birth mother - someone who held a deep hold over her. Someone that she loved dearly. A sister? A friend? Or was making and keeping that secret a condition of the adoption? In any case, your mom was a woman of her word, an honorable woman. How blessed you were to have been raised by her! She never *told* you. Yet she knew you and your brother had a right to know. She has trusted you with this information. Now it's your turn to do the right thing.
God bless and guide you going forward, my friend.
I heard a very wise woman once said: "The real parents are the ones that raise you and love you, not the ones that gave birth to you."
From the view of the parents, I think there is a fear that the child will not love them as much once the child finds out he/she was adopted. Perhaps, your parents had this fear and didn't want to tell you.