My mother is 90 and still lives in her home, with my unemployed adult brother living with her. Without going into too many details, I'll just say that for financial reasons my brother has been trying to keep her at home for as long as possible. She's had a few stints in a rehab after being hospitalized for illnesses (pneumonia) and they've been nice places, with good food and activities and even visiting entertainers. Each time I've gently suggested that she might be able to stay there one day, but she would start crying and getting upset, saying she has her own home and doesn't EVER want to go in a NH. I think she remembers the awful places my grandmother and great-grandmother were in the 1960s and 70s. She is a very stubborn woman and I've been dreading this NH issue for many years. It certainly hasn't helped having my brother side with her - it's been two against one. I am her DPOA, but do not have a medical POA; stupid, I know.
It's been a rough road the past few years and both my mother and brother, for their own personal reasons, have fought her going in a NH. It's now becoming apparent that we're nearing the end of the road for her staying at home and she will need to go in a NH soon. She is on a cocktail of meds that are keeping her fairly healthy for her age, but she has mild to middling dementia and worsening arthritis in her knees. There was an awful flareup of pain last week and an ambulance took her to the ER. They were unable to do much else but give her a painkiller injection and a lidocaine shot, along with a cortisone shot which didn't work. We didn't think she'd be able to get around the house too well when she got home (get on and off the toilet, etc) so we pretty much begged her doc to admit her, which he refused to do for an arthritic knee. We brought her home (with difficulty, after that painkiller), and she's been in pain but stable ever since. We have an appt with an orthopedic this week.
The helplessness we felt that night in the ER when told they us they wouldn't admit her was just awful. It was really obvious my brother wouldn't be able to handle taking care of her and I work and have my own family to care for. I asked to speak to a social worker about moving her to a NH that very night but was told since it was a Sunday night, there weren't any available. I think that night, coupled with my mother's increasing hygiene problems and dementia, has shown my brother that our mother can no longer live at home. I spoke to an elder lawyer a while back and the house will probably be transferred to my brother, as a "caretaker child". From that moment on, he'll own the house and be responsible for all the bills, which is the reason he's been fighting putting my mother in a NH for so long. Hiring an in-home caretaker is out of the question due to the cluttered condition of the home and other problems which I won't go into. We now have a home health aide coming in twice a week to bathe my mother and, while I'm thrilled that she's finally getting clean, it's been causing it's own kind of problems having someone come into the house.
I always thought my mother would move into a NH after another stint in the hospital and then rehab. I had hoped that it would be a natural progression. But it's obvious to me now that she'll probably need to go in one not due to illness but because of my and my brother's inability to care for her ourselves. My question to the message board is: how do I get her into a NH directly from her home? I can't imagine just loading her up into my car and driving her there; she would most likely throw herself out of the car. Is there a procedure? (I've already picked the NH). Also, does anyone have any advice on what we should do if (more like when) we're back in the ER with our mother and they won't admit her and there's no way she should be going home that night because we can't care for her? We're in NJ, by the way.
Thank you in advance for any advice or stories about your own experiences when moving a parent to NH directly from their home and how you got through it. I really appreciate your support.
Thank you,
Sue
Actually I do sympathise. But what you, in return, need to recognise is that the dumping granny at the ER strategy is the last resort, often after years of her being turned away from other options because she's being looked after at home. Then her husband dies, or her child dies, or the caregiver breaks down in some other way...
Plus, you talk blithely about the children's having had years to plan their elders' care. HA! See if you can count the number of people on this very forum whose elders turn purple if anyone so much as breathes the word "plan." The children are not responsible for planning their care. The elders themselves are. They're the ones who've had the most advance notice and the authority to act. Why aren't you blaming them?
You see a similar dumping phenomenon with rescue animals, too. Most times the owners who abandon them are just callous irresponsible bastards. But sometimes there's going to be a heartbroken, grieving family in the background, whose circumstances mean they can't any longer take care of their beloved companion animal. Not don't want to, note. Can't.
I have elderly parents myself so I do see the dilemma. I get that you are worried about your mom safety and health. What I. Learned is that a NH is scary because it is the end of the line and they know it. It seems to me you have planned out everything for mom and did not ask her for input. While your intention is for the best you are taking away her rights as a person and what dignity she has left. My advice is to get with a social worker and you mom together and talk about these issues. You have a lot of options like home health and even adult daycare. Give her some choice where she wants to live. Just remember one day you too will be old.. Is this how you want to be treated?
You are not you mom's guardian. Being poa means doing what the grantor wishes. But if doing that is not in their best interests, then you need to get someone else involved.
If mom is still competent, you might tell her to appoint one of your sisters poa, since they clearly know so much better...
I have had her convinced to go into a very exceptional assisted nursing home, twice but each time, the day arrives and she refuses and there is no going. MY brothers are on my side but my two sisters, who see mom once every two weeks for 15 min convince her ,that she would hate it there and she doesn't have to go...so she doesn't go and I am left to check on her 3-4 times a day. make sure the doors are locked and closed every night,make sure she hasn't fallen and laid there for hours, plus I work full time. I have POA medically and financial, so I take care of everything. No one else helps at all except to butt in and make things so that she thinks I am the bad one and am spending all her money, etc. she screams at me and tells me not to blame my little sister, etc....
She needs help and I can not force her to leave her house. My husband and I lived with her for 15 long years, we finally had enough and bought a house near by, hoping that eventually I could get her to go into an assisted home..NO LUCK...
She does not need to be living alone, I can not continue to do this. I was told if she falls and gets hurt that I would be responsible and investigated by APS,,,what can I do?
Thanks for any input!
I really hope by now you've had your mother checked out for some form of dementia or early onset alzheimer. It is not "love" to have her around your wife and daughters. Try to manage the finance another way and safe your girls. Get her to a nursing home. I'm in Canada so I am not familiar with what is involved in the US.
Good Luck.
Did you not have the opportunity to have her sent to the ER for further investigation of what caused this? (NH admission is always easiest from a hospital setting, something to remember ). Her doctor should be consulted about the process for admission to a NH; it usually needs to be ordered by a doctor .
Above the input box to answer a question and right below the words "Answer this Question", the AgingCare folks have written, "Please stay on topic or ask a new question".
You WERE on topic however this thread started in 2011 and pretty much concluded in 2012 except for some extraneous Q&A that tripled in after that. I believe DogGrrrl's mom has passed on because I saw a follow up question from her about how to file taxes for a deceased person.
Your post was long and descriptive but it's probably not going to get much attention under someone else's gold heading. Lt's got some very good information in it and it would be too bad for it to get lost. Why don't you repost it as a new question or a new discussion under a new heading of your own.
I totally understand what you are going through and I am going to have to push for my mum to go into a home.
I live here with her but want to move on I cannot handle her abuse etc.. but apart from her illness I dont want to live in this area and need to move and have some sort of a life?
My mums house is a pigstye and she cannot see it! I am drained from her hygiene and clutter issues and like you have a problem with getting cleaners as they do not understand and lets be honest they do not want to come back??
I do everything have a USELESS brother down the road who comes up and does the lawn has a quick cup of tea with mum then leaves.
My dr has told me to find a solution or walk away the stress of all this has made me ill with chronic back pain. I know myself that either she goes into a home or I will have to leave and let my family sort it out as the stress of worrying about her is just too much and making me ill.
If your brother cannot take care of her I dont think you have any choice like us my family live abroad and they have NO IDEA what the stress is like.
You are doing the right thing as I know I will have to look at nusing homes soon but like most parents on here my mum is so stubborn and will refuse to go to a NH and this is what I have nightmares about that she may be forced against her will for her own safety??
Nobody wants to put thier loved one in a home but sometimes their safety takes over all emotions and its usually the best for everyone. My mum is going into respite next week for the first time and i know this will be very hard for me I just pray she has a great time as this would be the home I would choose for her permanently as my friends mum went here and was very well looked after with Alsz.