Any tips on how to make the difficult decision? My mom has cancer and my father has passed - mom is telling me to go live my life but I feel so guilty about possibly moving away for work. She isn't reliant on me and is pretty self sufficient in many ways, but I feel like when the time comes I'll wish I had stayed.
Financially I can afford to take a 'career break' but a small part of me wants to get back to work. I know I'm fortunate she doesn't rely on me for much....this is all coming from me and my anxiety about leaving her. Meanwhile she's adamant she didn't have a child to be her caregiver so I should go spread my wings (still has a sense of humor!)
At this time, your mom is telling you what she wants--she wants to see you successful and happy on your own. This will bring her great joy--it's her purpose in raising you, as she has pointed out. She needs you more to fulfill that role than to become a shut-in with her, which is NOT her idea of success for you or her.
Go! Persue a wonderful life, and share your joys and successes with her by phone, photos, visits. Even ask for her advice sometimes. You don't have to be emotionally distant just because you are geographically.
She doesn't want you to be her caregiver at the end. Few emotionally healthy parents do want that, so honor her by allowing her the dignity of taking care of herself as she wants.
If the day does come when she is no longer able to make her own care decisions, you will know and can take whatever steps you need to then. But, even then, don't forget what she wanted--for you to spread your wings and honor her wishes for you.
I am glad I stayed. My sister lives less than an hour away but is unwilling to assist and my brother lives over 2 hours away and visits once a month.
If you feel you can work and not have your thoughts constantly on your mother then go for it. I knew I could not do that so I chose to give up my job and stay with her.
I wish I had the option to have my mother move in with me but she has lived in her house for over 40 years and was unwilling to relocate.
You will be busy once she starts to need your help. Ordering meds, cooking, making sure she eats, bathes, takes her meds, making/going to dr. appts, getting groceries, yard work, house keeping, etc. and the daily stress of watching her deteriorate.
When you mother's cancer progresses to the point where she really does need daily help, she is less independent and somewhat lonely, take family leave and come back then.
Whatever you decide, you are going to feel guilty. That kind of goes with the territory. Don't let the guilt make the decision. Push it to the back burner of you mind and make your plans on other considerations.
While I know that you want to be with mom if needed during her illness, before I made a decision, I'd consult with a financial planner. You state that you don't have to return to work right now, but, I'd consult with an expert who can properly evaluate your situation and how that might change if you are out of the job force for 5-7 years. (You have no way to know how much time your mom's treatment might take.) I'd consider if you can re-enter your field at that point if you have not created networks, stayed current in your field, developed your career? What if you sustained an injury or illness during this time? How would you sustain yourself then and what about retirement benefits. And if you are independently wealthy, I'd still be interested in asset protection and growth of your funds.
I also like the idea of mom moving to be with you, if you decide to return to work. Is she opposed to that? There are health care professionals who can be retained to step in and support her during her illness and treatment, so that you could also work if she lived near or with you. There are Geriatric Care Managers, who can transport to doctor appointments, monitor the home and the patient, coordinate doctor appointments, etc.
I'm interested in knowing your thoughts and how you proceed.
Most people don't look at their lives as including their parents. You are the exception to that. I took on my Mom as a caregiver about 7 years ago. She lived an hour from me and my family. It was difficult for me to get to her when she had a couple of mishaps. My Mom is now 92 and I got her to move to a town about 10 mins from where I live about 4 years ago.
My Mom still lives in her own house still drives although it is only to the Senior Center and back every week day. She really enjoys going there for lunches and playing cards in the afternoons. She also takes day trips offered by the Senior Ctr on a once a month basis. Maybe you could check to see if there is anything like this in her town.
Also check to see if they have a bus or van that could take her to her appointments so she doesn't have to drive herself. Maybe even check on having a caregiver come in once a day or a couple of days a week to help her or keep her company. It will help you as you can return to work even if it is something not in your field. You can maybe take your Mom shopping on the weekends or go out to dinner with her once a week. You would still be active in her life without your Mom feeling like she is a burden to you.
I'm in my mid 30s, single with no kids. I have one sibling who isn't really involved and chooses not to be, and we have no other family here. I took a long time off when my Dad had cancer and subsequently died and I have no regrets about that, except for that when he died I found I had no normality to go back to. I don't know if the grief would have been different if I had to go back to work and try to be 'normal' again?
In terms of career opps there aren't too many where mom lives and actually there are none where I live so I would need to move even further away, maybe up to a 3-5 hour drive from her. Where I live is a remote town I moved to for a specific job, and now that I no longer work there there's not a whole lot to keep me there either.
I guess where the feeling comes from is I think I'll never get to spend this time with my mom again but I have, in theory, a lifetime to work. I don't even think it's guilt really, I just feel I'd regret being away by choice if that makes sense?
Thanks for any additional input.