Mom has dementia and cut me out of her will. Any advice?

Thank for your reply. I am now going to have a mince pie and some tea. I live in the UK so its late but a treat will make me feel a bit better. As far as today is concerned, its almost bed time here. I will try to detach a bit. The issue of her care home fees has never come up because I have always willingly paid them. I need to make clear that my mother no longer thinks I am of no use an a horrible daughter but that is because I give in to her demands and do as she says. If I do as she wants without question then I am wonderful. As soon as I object to something then I am awful and no good and I get told that other sons and daughters do not object so I should do as they do and behave as they behave. For instance, when my gran was still alive (my fathers mother), my father used to to and see her and do jobs for her like putting up shelves or mending the iron or going to the store and buying her a bag of groceries. I cannot do that as my mother is in a care home and even if she was still in her own home, I live too far away to do that. I have someone I know who put their career on hold to look after their father and said there is no way my father is going into a home so I will stay home and look after him myself. They do say you should stay in your own home for as long as possible. I have not given up my career to look after my mother and some would think that all I have done is shove her into a carre home and forgotten about her. My mothers elder sister never went into a home because her daughter had a granny appartment attached to her house and between my cousin, her husband and their two boys, they took turns in looking after the elderly mother. My cousin and her husband both worked so they had a nurse come and sit with the mother. When the boys got home from school, the nurse would leaeve and the boys would take over until one of the parents got in from work and then the boys could do as they wanted. If on the days that the boys had after school activities, then the nurse would simply stay longer until the parents came home.. I cannot do that because I do not have a house and I do not have the financial means to employ a nurse and I am siingle and on my own so the care home was the best option for my mother.

The emotional blackmail is nasty, but, honestly, having had it all my life, it is better not to give in to it. I understand that you are tired and worn out by the stress, and have lost enthusiasm for Christmas. You are not alone in that on this site and I expect in the larger world. I hope you will stop giving in to your mother's unreasonable demands - for your own sake. Has she made threats if you don't pay for part of her care home fees? I am wondering if your mother had some of these qualities before she developed dementia. By no means are you a horrible daughter and of no use to her. That is disease talking. Please try to detach a bit as see her as ill, and these words as coming from the illness. I know it is hard. I hear words like that too. Know that you are a worthwhile person and daughter, no matter what your mother has said or says in the future.
Please try to do something good for you today and tomorrow. You are worth it. She is fortunate to have you. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

I am worn out with it all, and tired of all the stress. it is meant to be Christmas but I have lost all enthusiasm.

Poster, you are following the orders of someone who has dementia? Even when they don't make sense? Umm ... does that really seem healthy to you?

My mother went to a solicitor to change it and her solicitor did not question it. Mind you if she did not tell the solicitor she had dementia then the solicitor would be none the wiser and would go ahead with the request. I agreed to pay for her to change the will because my mother said if I did not agree then I was a horrible daughter and no good to her and she never wanted anything to do with me ever again and did not want me to attend her funeral

Is it legal for a person with dementia to change their will? I wonder why you paid for her to change it. I agree she should be paying for her own costs - care home fees and for changing her will. That is what her money is for, not for leaving to others. I can see that accepting that your mum has dementia would help and I am glad that you feel a bit better, but continuing to pay for part of her costs, when she is able to pay for them herself. doesn't seem right to me.

I telephoned a dementia hotline and spoke to a lady who was helpful. She said to me that my mother is not being deliberately spiteful by cutting me out of her will. It is because she has dementia and she is not thinking rationally and the fact that I am getting upset about it means I have not fully come to terms with her dementia. Now I see it in a better light. There is nothing I can do about the situation. The lady on the telephone said to me that a parent does not have to give a child anything when they die. The law does not state that they HAVE to. I feel a bit better.

How odd. But my first question is why are you paying toward her home fees and for the lawyer's fee if she has enough assets to leave in a will? Shouldn't she be using her own funds for her own care? I suppose it makes a little more sense if you are thinking, "oh well, I'll get it back in the end," but one can never count on that unless the estate is quite large. She may need care for another 5 to 10 years, and as the dementia progresses she may need more expensive care. Even if she didn't disinherit you, there may not be anything left to inherit. I really don't get it that she isn't paying her own way now.

I also wonder who she is leaving money to instead of you? I have heard of parents setting up trusts for disabled children and pretty much not leaving anything to the kids who have no disabilities. She says she is excluding you because you don't need it ... who does she think does?

First idea - who or what is she giving it to instead?
Second idea - was she actually competent to change her will? Maybe you should not have been willing to pay!!
Third idea - could a neutral third party, or maybe some other family member who she trusts who would be in your corner at least a little, talk to your mom and express that it is not usual to disinherit children unless they have greatly wronged their parent, (in real life, might also be done if they would be at risk of losing government benefits if disabled) and express concern for your feelings and needs to her?