Thank God for this forum. Where would I be without your help and reassurances?
Mom confabulates to fill in the blanks of her faulty memory. I understand this. It helps her make sense of her world. Most of the time I can "go along with" her alternate reality. When Mom says she's already acquainted with someone I've introduced her to for the first time, I never challenge it. When she says memory care staff stole her hearing aids (when in fact she's lost them for 100th time), I say "Oh, really? Why don't you help me look for for your hearing aids first before we report it to the director?"
What really troubles me is when Mom makes slanderous statements toward me or some other family member that simply aren't true. For months (possibly years) Mom has been circulating terrible stories about me that non-discerning people have taken for the truth. You could argue that you can't fix stupid; if people can't see that Mom has dementia and believe her confabulations anyway that I shouldn't worry about it. Sorry, folks. It still hurts. A lot. Not all of this character assassination goes on behind my back. Mom will tell me to my face. Am I supposed to smile benignly and agree with Mom I'm a low-down, common ______? (you fill in the blanks). Sorry; I won't. Let me add that I have minimized contact due to a lifetime history of abuse from dear ole Mom. Her more recent negativity and character assassination are just the icing on the cake.
Likewise, Mom attributes criminal actions to my dear sister, whose conduct is kind, loving, unimpeachable. I'm looking for appropriate answers that preserve mine and my sister's dignity without antagonizing Mom. Ideas, anyone?
A priest once told me that we are to honor our M and F, but there is no guidance about loving them. That has to be earned.
My mom is the fourth elder I've had to take care of in three years. I even asked her if she ever had to take care of the elderly. It has ruined my health, but I was lucky to find a role model in my Father-in-law H*y. H*y just took care of others. H*y did not look to find someone to take care of things, he just did it. I really cry when I think of the time I missed with him. And I never got to tell him he is truly my hero.
H*y learned to shut off when he was abused, I know that now. Whenever my mother gets really bad, I just think, what would H*y do?
AmberA, your mother's brain is damaged. She cannot help some of it. The problem is that she can remember just enough to push your buttons. Treat her like you would an errant 10 year old. Smart enough to annoy, but not enough to realize what she is doing. I also worry about what my mother says to others, but I try to kill that with kindness to all.
I am walking along a road at winter, a freezing, but normal person. I hear someone screaming for help. I run up and see a woman drowning in a pond. I have two choices, I can try to help and be a hero, at risk to my own life, or I can walk away and be a coward forever. But I can never be a normal person again. I choose hero.
Love you all.
Thank you!
Just as an aside, I remember Mom (before the dementia set in) telling me about her childhood when "senile" people were literally "locked up in the attic." I think her generation (she is 92 now) thinks of dementia as some abhorrent thing to be ashamed of, which I suppose is understandable.
A few months ago, Mom was actually self-aware of her deficits. She's now turned the corner and believes she is "perfectly fine" and only has "a little memory problem," saying I'm "the one with dementia." I don't argue and just say, "Well, you know, Mom, my memory ain't what it used to be," and leave it at that. Then Mom puffs up like an old hen and smiles.
I read the stories on this forum and cry. Comparatively speaking, I have it so much easier than many of you who keep your aging parent(s) home with you, when I have Mom in memory care. I thank God daily for that! Some of you have patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) forged ahead with caretaking roles; not just one but both parents AND a spouse with dementia! Why do so many of us and our LO's succumb to this awful fate? Some say it's because we're living longer. I for one would rather die of a stroke or heart attack or cancer than inflict this on my children!
There are no warm, fuzzy moments with Mom's dementia, layered as it is with mental illness. No reprieve, no hope of things getting better. I feel like Mom's disease process is some sort of test of my humanity. I pray I continue to treat Mom as I would like to be treated with the same condition: kindness and compassion tempered with boundaries. I would not want my children to give up their lives for my sake....
I got your suggested reading Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents by PaulChavetz. Truly one of the most helpful books on the topic I've EVER picked up! Short, sweet, and to the point! Great insights! Useful suggestions! Strongly recommended to anyone struggling with difficult aging parents! Got it through Amazon. Bravo!