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My 90 year old father has been diagnosed with early to moderate dementia.


For the last 2 years he has treated me dreadfully; abusive, controlling, cruel, and selfish.


He had demonstrated some of these traits throughout his life from time to time, but nothing like he has been in the last 2 years.


About two weeks ago his temperament changed back to the loving dad I knew growing up.


He is now kind to me, not argumentative or nasty.


I pray this is the new Dad going forward, but I am worried that this kind nature will not last long and he will revert back to the monster he has been again.


Any advice or sharing of similar stories would be very much appreciated.



Thank you

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My mother always displayed nasty behaviors her whole life, primarily to me and her immediate family, but never to OTHERS. To others she was all sunshine and rainbows. When she was diagnosed with dementia, nothing changed. She was still nasty and insulting to me and most of the family members, and most of the other residents in her Memory Care AL, but 1000% worse than before she developed dementia. At the very end of her life, I'd say the last few months, she suddenly forgot who she hated and held grudges against, and became a softer, nicer version of her former self. It was sad to see, b/c I wish she could've been that way her WHOLE LIFE, but at least I got to see a decent, loving side of her before she passed. For that I am grateful.

Nobody can say how your dad's temperament will change, or IF it will even. Just enjoy the 'nice dad' while he's around, and pray that it stays that way for the rest of his life, Amen. :)
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purplebadger Jan 2023
My heart goes out to you, Lealonnie! My mom was the same way to me my whole life! All my friends thought she was great and believed her lies about me! FINALLY, I got a beautiful man who lived with me while I lived with my mom and he got to see her crap firsthand! I just couldn't believe that finally someone saw through her and believed me! God has blessed me with that man for 20 years! I hope you know that I believe you and I know what it feels like! God bless you and please take care of yourself! 🙏
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Try not to spend energy worrying about something that may or may not ever happen. One person's experience may not be yours. With dementia, best to take it one day at a time.
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if you're lucky that the "nice dad" lasts...greattttttt.

as you know very well, no one can guess the future about your dad:
"nice dad" can stay, or mean dad can come back.

normally, mean people who are suddenly "nice", are quite calculating. they want something from you. (even people with dementia can be calculating).
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TiredK12 Jan 2023
This is so true! Narcissistic parents know how to fake kindness and caring to manipulate you into doing what they want. It usually defaults back to mean and selfish behaviour if kindness is not a natural instinct for them.
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I am hardly an expert, but I took care of my dad in his final stages of dementia. He had always had a bad temper and my parents divorced when I was young because of it, but for the most part he was kind to me over the years and I wasn’t exposed to that part of his personality a lot. He was in mental decline for almost 10 years before he came to live with me and he did get easily frustrated and angered during that time. I just thought he was being a jerk because he hadn’t really been diagnosed with dementia yet. Long story short, he had a bad accident and ended up having to live with me for the remainder of his life. Toward the end he became very sweet and said the nicest things to me. I had expected him to get worse so I was surprised by that outcome, but it was a nice way to end, and I have happy memories of him now.
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Take each day as it comes..................nothing is guaranteed. Gratitude will take you far, but a vacation will take you away from a toxic situation should it occur.
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With mine, it depended on what he wanted. If he wanted dinner I was the best daughter in the world. When he wanted to drive I was the meanest b**** on the planet. His last year he adored me, would only listen to me and always wanted me. So, the changes can be hourly, daily, weekly etc. prayers
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My mother was never the easiest person to get along with. She could be charming, but all her life she could also be mean, angry, take offense at anything, and hold a grudge forever. She could not keep friends because she'd always get mad about something trivial and walk away from the friendship, telling them off in grand fashion. She fomented bad feelings between members of the family by spreading untruths and speculations, usually to her advantage.

When she was suffering from dementia, she seemed to forget those coping behaviors, if that's what they were. She was a nice old gray-haired lady. She got along with the caregivers and others. Granted, she didn't know who she was or where she was anymore, but she was nice at last. It was as if her brain was no longer capable of being who she was before. In her case, it was a good thing.
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A neighbor lady who was always somewhat superior and cold in her treatment of us became pleasant and warm after her dementia became obvious.
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With dementia the changes can be gradual or instant, positive or extremely negative. Best to be prepared for the worse and thankful for anything better. Be prepared emotionally to call 911 immediately if his behavior swings back to abusive and, have him transported to an ER where he can be reassessed for his " level of care needs" and,you can confer with staff and social services about placement options for him.
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Debsann: My late sister in law berated her DH (Dear Husband) when she was a well woman. After her Alzheimer's diagnosis, she was suddenly pleasant to him. I am sorry to hear that your father suffers from dementia. Hugs sent.
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